September 13, 2005 at 5:14 PM

Wow! Seems really crazy for me to be kind of emotional about blogging here for my first time, but I guess that's what it's all about isn't it...the emotion.

I started playing the violin in 1981 in school, 4th grade. Once I started, it progressed into the center of my life. I played in school orchestras every year, the Colorado Springs Youth Symphony, many, many solo recitals, city and state competitions both solo and large group, at church, etc. etc..

Over the years, especially in my later teen years, I started getting tired of it all. Most of my playing time started to be spent practicing and playing for my teachers, conductors, etc. and the pressure, on top of school, girlfriends, friends, etc. got to be too much. I was feeling like all of my playing was for everyone else and I wasn't getting the enjoyment out of it anymore. While working on my audition piece for the All State Orchestra in my senior year of high school, I just decided to quit it all. Private lessons, recitals, All State audition. I did finish out my year with the school orchestra and played in the school musical, but after that, I hung it up. As I've aged, I have come to regret this decision more and more. At the time of my musical suicide, I was playing pretty damn well. Every audition was effortless for me, and my performances usually brought great reviews from my family, teachers, friends, judges, whomever. But I had other "more important" things on my plate. College would be coming up soon, and I wanted to be an architect. Music didn't seem to fit into my schedule of priorities anymore. I quit the piano, which was really only an ear training tool in my eyes anyway at the time. I did keep up with the guitar a little, but I am never going to be Eddie Van Halen.

Over the last 16 years, I have "fiddled" around a little, but never for more than a day or two at a time, just to see if I could even still play. But I think even on those occasions, I was still playing for anyone but myself. I wanted to show my wife that I could still do it after all these years. (She used to love hearing me play in high school.) My kids thought it was cool, so I would impress them a little.

But recently, I've really been doing a lot of soul searching, not about my musical abilities, but just about life in general. And as I'm realizing things about myself, or more exactly, things about myself that I have missed or forgotten, music is and always has been a huge part of me. I miss how I felt when my violin was tucked under my chin, bow in hand and the emotion was flowing in and out of me! It wasn't just wood and string, and a sheet of notes, it wasn't just a song to hear. It was beauty! It was feelings flowing throughout the room and in my heart! I lost that over the years that I played. It became all about the instrument, the notes, the time, the details.

I pulled my violin out of the closet last night for the first time in about a year and a half. I sat on the bed and just looked at it for a few minutes. I picked her up and really felt her for the first time in probably 16 years. I would describe how that felt, but I don't think I can. It was like finally seeing a large piece of myself, hidden away in a dusty case, waiting for me to pick it back up and embrace it. I felt heavy hearted and light hearted at the same time. I felt like I could be a fully whole me again, and part of what I was all about was right there in my hands.

After awhile, I played again. Not just the notes on the sheet. Not just to prove I could again. Not for anyone else, although after a little bit, my wife did walk into the room, come slowly over to me with a small smile on her face, leaned across my violin as I played and kissed me. I played to feel. I played my violin again to make music, to feel the music again. I couldn't even tell you exactly what I played right now. I simply played a passage here and there of many different pieces from my past. I didn't feel the need last night to even play an entire piece for now. I just kind of let my fingers do the walking I guess you could say. And it was fantastic! To me! For me! I think I'm back! I want to keep feeling this way, and I want to share it with others again as well!

I can't wait to play again tonight, and the next, and the next. Where will it take me? At this point, I don't care! It's just good to feel that fire again after it was out for so long!

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on September 13, 2005 at 6:03 PM

Welcome to v.com. I'm glad that you feel the fire and you're playingn for yourself. Many people who contribute to this site have had experiences similar to yours.

From Natasha Marsalli
Posted on September 13, 2005 at 7:56 PM

Welcome! I loved reading your blog! Very powerful and emotional! Welcome back to the world of music!

From Wanda Jenkins
Posted on September 13, 2005 at 9:18 PM

Poignant & Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing.

From Emily Grossman
Posted on September 13, 2005 at 11:54 PM

Isn't it a wonderful feeling, being reunited with an old passion? I hope you don't feel too regretful about your time apart. It's sad, but still, it's part of your learning experience. Now you have joy again, and it can take you far if you feed it. I took an 8-year break in my twenties and picked it up again a year and a half ago. In this short amount of time back with my violin, I would say I've learned more than I did in all the years I played before I quit. You could be in for a real treat. Enjoy!

From Mendy Smith
Posted on September 15, 2005 at 4:28 AM

Geeze - your story sounds so much like mine within a few years of each other. Great feeling isn't it? After you arm back up to it a bit, take lessons again. You are NEVER to old no matter how many grey hairs you have.

Enjoy the re-awakening part of your life. Next thing you know you will be listening to classical CDs on your way to work vs. news radio and traffic reports.

From Chris Wren
Posted on September 15, 2005 at 1:54 PM

Thanks for all the comments everyone! It is a wonderful feeling. I think rediscovering the violin is going to amazing. The last few days have been interesting for me. It's amazing how much I remember all of a sudden, how my fingers are finding their way around the fretboard (sometimes very innaccurately). My bowing is atrocious, and this used to be one of my very strong suits, but hey, what can I expect, my right hand has grown accustomed to man handling a guitar pick and hammering out tones, not coaxing them gently off the strings. I think I'll give myself at least a month, probably two of practicing and then I'll begin the hunt for an instructor. I have an old friend I haven't talked to in quite some time who is still playing trumpet in the Colorado Springs Philharmonic, maybe I'll fire him off an e-mail and have him see if any of the violinists know of a good, local teacher.

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September 13, 2005 at 5:14 PM

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