November 3, 2005 at 3:47 AM

I am getting so tired of music and well...life in general. I wake up in the morning and I have a headache and I go to bed at night with headache. It's a perpetual headache that I only don't feel when I'm asleep. It causes me to not want to practice and when I do it's a complete waste of time because I get absolutely nothing accomplished because I'm too busy thinking about the pain in my head. Lately, I have been feeling dizzy as well. I think this basically all stemming from my eyes because that is generally were it hurts and then the back of my head does too where the visual cortex is.

I am beginning to wonder if I sould do music at all anymore. I am beginning to find that I'm a horrible music person. I am suck at ear training, violin doesn't go how I want it to go and neither does piano. I make mistakes that I shouldn't and I know better. My fingers aren't responding well right now and overall I'm just a mediocre musician. The only thing that I am good at in music is music theory but then again, I've had it once so this year is exactly the same stuff so it's pretty easy at the moment. Otherwise, all of my classes are going well (I hope, you don't really ever know your exact grade around here). I am on the verge though of just saying goodbye to music. I think a lot of this stems from the viola thing. I'm not excited to tell Professor Martin that next semester I'm not taking viola lessons and that I'm just going to stick with violin.

Also, I'm getting really, really tired of having to work really hard at everything I do. When I was younger I had a reading problem and I couldn't read so I had to try hard at that. Then came trying hard at math because I couldn't get it, then came trying hard at everything else I do, trying to forge friendships, the violin, ear training, chemistry, and writing. Really, I'm getting sick of it, nothing can ever just come naturally to me at all. I am a mediocre person at everything I do it seems like for everything. I am growing tired and my patience is beginning to wear thin.

I'm not sure if I really truely like Luther at the moment. I like the campus and the people for the most part, I like the professors but I'm not sure if I really an happy here. Most of my days are bad, headaches, homework, practicing, feeling tired all of time (no matter how much sleep I get) and ear-training. I'm also growing tired of my neighbors, they are quiet until around midnight for and then they dicide to be loud so I generally can't sleep until around 2am. I am tired...of music, of people, of school, of cafeteria food, of homework of neighbors, of nothing ever just coming naturally to me and of life.

From Jim W. Miller
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 3:53 AM

At large universities these days you can major in so many arcane or inter-disciplinary things. When I went to school, which wasn't all that long ago really, you could basically major in readin' writin' or arithmetic.

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 4:02 AM

You sound downright depressed. You're not a mediocre person. You just have to work hard to achieve your goals, like almost everyone else. There are very, very few people for whom everything comes easy.

From Sheila Ganapathy
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 3:54 AM

You sound like me exactly when I was a freshman in college. I was terrible at ear training; my intonation on violin was horrible! I still can't do dictation but my sight singing is a whole lot better. I really did have to practice very very hard though to make it work and as far as how I am as a violinist, I am a very poor violinist. Nevertheless, I don't give up b/c if it was easy everyone would do it. Besides that, nearly anything you do in life is hard, you have to put effort into it. I am good at the theory of music too and I feel the same way, that for me to have a music degree is not going to do anything for me b/c I am so bad, but I also keep in mind that I have a lot of time and a lot more hard work to do to become "good." Believe me when I say that after freshman and sophomore year, it gets easier. Sophomore year was the hardest for me and I never ever got any sleep when I was a freshman. I was lucky to get four hours of sleep. After the first two years though, it just got easier b/c I established a discipline and I am driven by my passion for the music.

Perhaps you should try just resting for a few days. I mean really resting, not practicing but go to class and practice a very minimal amount and sleep ALOT. When I get to the point you are at, I usually just don't do anything.

Also realize that progress in music is "like watching children grow." It takes time.

Sheila

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 6:16 AM

Read Natasha Marsalli's most recent blog entry. I hope it encourages you.

From Donovan Seidle
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 6:12 AM

Andrew, even though I have a professional career in music I still have my frustrations about my instrument, and my abilities. I remember having days exactly how you describe (and still have those days, in fact!).

First of all, please have your eyes checked out. I've been having trouble as of late playing in the orchestra I work with - eyestrain, headaches, dizziness... it turned out I needed a prescription change on my contacts. Anyway, that solved all those symptoms, and now I can see what notes I am actually missing! ;)

As for the rest of your blog, please don't lose hope. Relax, and try to remember what gets you excited about playing music (enjoyment is really what it's all about, I think) - listen to a favourite recording, go to a concert...

one of the best pick-me-ups for me is to have a chamber music party. There's something about playing music with friends and having a good time with it that really brings me back to life. Have some beer (or some good wine), play some fun tunes (sight read if you're able, or choose the programs before the party and learn your part).

As for switching to viola, that's totally your call - I had the same dilemma during my undergrad; I truly felt that I belonged with violin, (though I did play a year in my university orchestra in the viola section) so I chose to stick with that. Please do what YOU truly feel. Regardless, my experience with viola opened up a new realm in my violin technique as well - don't discount the power of the alto clef!

Also, if you really are depressed, go to a councillor, or psychologist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, and he/she could really help if there's an imbalance you might need help with. Don't get down on yourself! Just fix it! People are very willing to help if you just ask.

I recommend the book, "Feeling Good." by David D Burns, M.D.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, Andrew.

Donovan

From Peggy Beaudoin
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 6:40 PM

Andrew, are you an allergic person? Is it possible that there's something in your dorm/apartment -- carpets, new paint, your bed -- that's triggering the headaches and fatigue? For allergic types like me and many others, there are "sick" environments that just drain you and cause severe headaches and make everything around you kind of exist in a haze. Check that out, too, and take the advice others are giving about getting a ton of sleep to recuperate before pushing yourself again.

Finally, you might have yourself assessed at some point to see if learning problems are still standing in your way. An interesting method of note taking and organizing facts in general is "mind mapping" and you might benefit from looking it up on the net. There are books and software, and some people respond really well to this way of mastering written material.

The thing that benefits me the very most in improving my long neglected technique was/is double stops and scales and making up my own little exercises when I hit a rough spot in a piece. Best wishes to you and keep posting here so you can get support from all of these v.com folks who care about you!

From Patty Rutins
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 8:57 PM

I was going to say the same thing as Donovan -- please get your eyes checked. I also tend to get eyestrain, and it was at its worst in college with all the reading assignments I had. Top that with all the other stress of college and you've no doubt got a continuous headache!

If you haven't had a physical in a while, this would be a good time. Headaches -- especially long-term ones! -- can be symptoms of something curable.

Pursuing the allergy angle is a good suggestion as well. My sister spent her first few months at college feeling homesick and depressed -- until she got an air filter! Her entire world changed, just with that one little device.

Don't get down on yourself -- it's far more important to know how to learn and how to try hard than it is to be naturally talented or smart or just good at things. The people who are just good at things will always be "just good". The people who understand how to work and learn -- those people can be truly great.

Good luck to you, and I hope you can solve your headaches soon!

From Natasha Marsalli
Posted on November 3, 2005 at 10:24 PM

Hehe...I'm flattered that my last blog was recommended reading...Don't give up Andrew! We all have our down days, and most of us are just mediocre too. If it makes you feel better, nothing comes easily for me either. I'm one of those people that has to slave away to be mediocre, a "jack of all trades, master of none" if you will. I'd see a campus counselor, they might be able to help you out.
Best Wishes and Good Luck,
Natasha

From Andrew Paa
Posted on November 4, 2005 at 3:55 AM

Thank you for all your replies. I feel much better today now that I have vented my frustrations and guess what...NO HEADACHE TODAY!

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November 3, 2005 at 3:47 AM

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