May 2009

Living and learning

May 30, 2009 07:41

I can hardly process all the emotions going through my heart right now. The past two days have ranged from stress and pain to consolation and hope. I can't remember the last time I cried this much. It's just been one thing after another, and it's almost surreal to see how my music has affected or been affected by it all.

First of all, I haven't practiced in the past two days. Yesterday I had to watch my brother and do errands, and when I got home, there was a lot of stressful arguing going on at home about family issues. It was very upsetting, worrying, and frustrating. I couldn't have practiced if I wanted to. I know some people like to turn to their instrument in times of emotional pain, but my violin was the last thing I wanted to see. In that moment all I wanted was a human embrace. Pieces of wood can't give hugs.

As I was getting ready for bed, it hit me. I remembered that Jerry's funeral was in the morning. His family had asked me to play a duet with Madeleine, his granddaughter and a dear student of mine. I had forgotten about the funeral in the stress of the night, and the remembrance gave me a huge sinking feeling. As I climbed into bed, I just wanted to stay home the next day and be alone, away from the world, away from the pain.

Thankfully I was so drained that I slept soundly and woke up feeling slightly better in the morning. As I showered and dressed I had to wonder to myself, would I lose it at the funeral? I already felt really down from the previous night, and was worried the Jerry's memorial would just make me sink even further. But I really wanted to be there to support the family and honor Jerry. I was almost surprised how comforting it was to see Madeleine and her family. They were so calm and gracious. Madeleine and I played a duet during the service, which was a beautiful remembrance. It was reverent and hopeful, with prayers, memories, and songs. Though I cried, I was comforted inside because I knew Jerry was looking down and smiling. The pastor said there were two things that Jerry said he wanted to leave us with:

live life to the fullest, and live every day as if it were your last.

Those thoughts stuck with me as I went to go teach that afternoon. During the lessons and in my breaks I started asking myself, what kind of person do I want to be remembered as? The more I thought about it the more determined I was to be the best possible teacher I could be. Teaching has always been important to me, but my dedication to it has grown steadily. The past few years have shown me that teaching is not just educating people on how to play music. It really can touch lives. Because I taught Madeleine, my life had become connected to hers and to her family's. I was able to be there for them in a time of grief and to provide just a little comfort. One of Jerry's favorite things to do was to spend those Saturday mornings bringing Madeleine to her lessons and taking her out for a treat afterwards. I had been a part of that ritual, and I could see the small but priceless joys that came from it each week. Those precious moments that make life worth living.

I want to be remembered for always having a smile on my face. I want to be the one who always sees the glass not just half full, but overflowing. I want to show patience. I want to spread just a little joy in people's everyday lives. I never want to forget what it means to be a kid.

When I got home today, I really didn't feel like practicing. I was too drained and too upset. I don't get sad like this very often, but when I do, it takes me just a little while to bounce back. But I had to do something. I couldn't just sit or I'd go crazy, especially with so much on my mind. So what did I do? spend the evening making and organizing the little prizes for my students' summer practice program. I realized recently that I've let their practicing habits slide a little so I brainstormed a fun way for them to get back into it over the summer. I have to admit that I have days as a teacher when I'm tired, and struggle to stay patient and animated. But much more often, I am heartwarmed by this incredible blessing in my life.

Never would I have guessed back when I first started giving lessons that I would be learning so much more that I could ever teach.

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A little musician in the making?

May 24, 2009 13:12

I love it when we get to babysit my adorable niece Ashley http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=494756&l=90f74c1f2c&id=1071690069. She's about 10 months old now, and it's been incredible to watch her grow and develop. I have two younger brothers, but we're pretty close in age, so I can't remember too much about how they grew up. With Ashley, we've been able to babysit her about once a month, so I've seen all her fascinating stages of development so far.

Right now, she's much more active and inquisitive. Instead of just watching fascinating people and objects, or making noises at them, she'll touch and grab at them. The first time I picked her up this weekend, she immediately reached for my braces and the necklace I was wearing. She can say 'mama' and 'dada,' and can get up on all fours for a few seconds, but isn't quite crawling yet. Most of the time she just sits up and plays with her toys.

The most interesting development though, is how she responds to music. She loves having music playing in the background, especially higher pitched, more peppy songs. She'll smile and start 'dancing' — bouncing up and down, waving her arms, clapping her hands. It's sooo cute. Her favorite thing is this cute stuffed doggie that plays short nursery rhymes and children's songs: everything from The Itsy Bitsy Spider to the alphabet song. I also played my ukulele for her, which she seemed to like. She especially enjoys familiar melodies; she reacted much more animatedly when I sang and played "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" than when I played the chords to Louis Armstrong song, for example.

Another thing I did was sing her this lullaby: www.youtube.com/watch when she was winding down for naptime. I had been rocking her in the rocking chair, but she didn't really settle down and relax till I started singing. I sang the words first, and then as she was drifting off, I just hummed the melody. It worked great. After her nap I noticed she was very affectionate towards me. I would smile, rub noses with her, and kiss her forehead a couple times, and after that, she started leaning towards me so we could touch noses. I wonder if it was just the nap putting her in a good mood, or the fact that my singing to her made her feel closer to me? Who knows.

It's so amazing how strongly she responds to music. Apart from people, it is the thing that most animates and entertains her. I can't wait too see how she develops next. Will she learn to imitate rhythms? "Sing" along with her songs? Next time she visits I'll have to test these things. I hope I get to teach her violin someday. That would be so much fun! From what I can see, she has all the makings of an awesome "Twinkler." :)

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A tale of two instruments

May 15, 2009 18:31

Whew. The semester is finally over. I'm officially a junior now, which is just weird. Except I have 3 more years technically, so what do you call me then? A Joshmore? A Sophnior? Eh, whatever. I'm in school. That should be enough.

I wish I could say that I ended the semester on a high note, but actually, I'm a little disappointed. The last thing I had was my violin jury, for which I played Wieniawski and Bach. It was so frustrating. I didn't feel overly nervous, but I just felt like it was a shoddy performance. My intonation was inconsistent, the technical passages weren't very accurate, and my bow distribution was kind of messy. I think what was most frustrating was noticing things that I could have fixed, that just had to do with planning and practicing. I can forgive myself for the nervous slips, but it wasn't just that. I feel like I haven't yet gotten back to where I was before my tendonitis. I must have lost something during that semester where I had to cut back on my playing and learn easier repertoire. I feel like when I'm nervous, the first thing to go is my intonation, and its frustrating. I don't know my fiddle like I used to. And the sad thing is I don't care for it as much either.

On the other hand, my viola jury this morning went great. I had no memory slips, which I had struggled with lately. My tone projected well, and I felt like everything was technically solid and musically expressive. I actually enjoyed this jury. I wonder if my less than stellar violin jury is an indirect result of playing viola. It's true that I'm spread more thin now that I split my practicing between the two instruments. Between my two juries today, I had 50 solid minutes of music prepared -— that's almost a recital. I guess its understandable if I'm not progressing quite as fast on violin as in the past. I feel like the more time goes by, the more comfortable I feel on viola than I violin. There's something about the depth of sound and solidness of the instrument that feels almost comforting. It's hard to describe. It's so strong and deep and beautiful. I love that feeling of drawing such a depth of sound from the instrument. Also, so far, I love the viola repertoire I've learned. I know there isn't nearly as much solo viola music as violin music, but there are some real gems, and a world of chamber and orchestral parts. I don't mean to sound defeated or to belittle technique, but I feel like a part of me is sick of the flashiness of violin. Maybe this is just a phase, a period of frustration. But still, there's something there. I feel more motivated to practice viola. I enjoy the sound itself better. I have long arms, which makes me feel less gangly on viola. I even feel more comfortable in the more accompanist role that the viola plays in most music.

I don't quite know what to do. I've definitely considered finishing my violin degree and then pursuing viola for grad school. It's so hard to decide. On the one hand, I love viola, but on the other hand, I've played violin a while now, and am a decent fiddler. I certainly don't dislike it. Is it imprudent to throw that aside? Or do I even have to choose? I know it's difficult to keep up both, but its certainly possible. Maybe that's the solution. I guess I don't need to decide just yet. I'm looking forward to the summer, and having more time to practice. There is so much I want to learn. I just hope I can recharge my violin batteries, because no matter what happens, I have at least two more years of it ahead of me . . .

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More entries: April 2009

May 2009

Living and learning

A little musician in the making?

A tale of two instruments

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