November 2008

Musicians and Manic Disorders

November 12, 2008 22:12

A fellow member of this site recently contacted me and asked if I would be interested in writing a blog article about a sometimes misunderstood disease that affects millions of people, many of which are musicians artists and other creative thinkers. After a bit of consideration, and a great deal of drawing upon my own courage, I decided to expose the topic, to the best of my personal understanding, for the considerations of other members of this site who may relate to the subject. The disease I refer to is bi-polar disorder, depression, and other manias that can limit the most talented of musicians, and render their professional careers a living nightmare for all involved.

I was diagnosed in 1996 with bi-polar disorder 1, accompanied with severe depression and anxiety, topped with an added diagnosis of psycho-affective disorder an the occasional delusions of grandeur. This diagnosis was followed by several medications, over a period of time, that did not work, but caused more trouble, and worse fits of anxiety and depression and eventually rendered me as legally disabled. I had enjoyed working and performing, both in the classical arena and popular music fields, for 20 years prior to the diagnosis. I had many great opportunities and travels along the way, which I can say has only been a blessing. Not many persons can work and make a decent living at what they really enjoy doing. Alcohol abuse was rampant in my business, and I drank heavily for many of those years. The popular music jobs often found me in very dangerous places, and drinking, along with some recreational marijuana use, was a way to handle being able to deal with people. It never affected my playing, but often I would become belligerent and verbally abusive to other musicians and colleagues who were not as talented as I. These things were only a prelude to the culmination of the disease in its worst form. I have witnessed the worse of people and the best of people. I have seen murders committed less than 10 feet away and not a cop in sight. I have been in the company of the most refined of socialites and the most violent of criminals. Often, I could tell no difference between the two.

The symptoms may have actually always been there, possibly surfacing around the pre-teen years, being inherited genealogically from my blood parents (I am adopted, and a twin). Other childhood factors included certain traumatic incidents, both physical and mental. I was raised in an extremely disciplined, almost Victorian manner by a strict step brother, a Vietnam vet who ran things in a ship-shape military fashion, as he convinced himself that my brother and I were to become soldiers at 18. Laughing and pointless talk was prohibited in the home, and the orders were followed without a word of question. Failure to do so resulted in severe discipline with a fan belt or a custom made paddle. Difficulties in some schoolwork, particularly mathematics, and disruptive social behaviors soon became evident and were quickly disciplined by both the school and my mother. The ideas of medications, in those days, were out of the question. They used a thick wooden paddle to solve problems with students. Of course, this is not permitted today, and we can see the results of that decision in our prisons.

The violin, and music in general, was my only real interest, almost to the point of obsession. Reading everything I could get my hands on was also an intense preoccupation. It was impossible to practice at home without my step brother condemning me for such a waste of time, and calling me "a sissy violin player". To remedy this, I would practice after school for 6 hours a day in order to keep from having to go home from school. Sometimes I would spend a few hours in the school darkroom, developing photos (I was the school newspaper’s chief photographer) and write my various homework assignments on a typewriter, which was forbidden to have at home, due to the clacking of the keys! I would find anything to do, in order to stay at school well up into the time I had to go home to bed. This could be considered a form of depression, or social withdraw. However, this paid off in the long run, as it took me around the world in my senior year for free, put me into college very well prepared and out of the home. The depression and anxiety made me intensely competitive and hard working. I pushed my self to often mentally debilitating limits, and sacrificed every thing that would occupy a normal teenager’s time.

In my professional career, I was my own boss and played by my rules. But in the end, the rules changed. The disease was not factored into the equation, and around 2004, it was apparent that I was incapable to holding a job, holding a relationship, being in the public eye and having a reputation for hard-nosed and often violent attitudes. I married once, but it was a failure after 4 years, partly due to my disease, and partly due to other personal circumstances that involved the disease. Luckily, I have no children.

As for teaching, I find it impossible to keep students after I tell them of my disease. I speak with the parent, but they have a limited understanding as to the realities of the disease. All that comes to mind for them is the tragic incidents they have seen or heard of in the news. Nothing can convince them otherwise, and this misunderstanding of what I suffer from has taken every student I have away. Parents are scared today, and rightly so. The references I may make to "my students" are those of the past that I had, before my diagnosis.

I quit drinking and drugging in 2006 and have been the better man for it, although it was the most difficult thing to do in my life. Personal productivity increased by 70% on the average, and my free time is never wasted. Being able to not be able to deal with certain social situations has proven to be a blessing in disguise, I always used to say "avoid the situation and you eradicate the problem". Now I practice religiously what I always preached. I live in relatively hermetic retirement, I still perform on occasion, record quite a bit and compose voraciously, and have my Faith to hold me steady. I appreciate the little things more than ever, and no day is taken for granted. I feel that it has, along with my past adventures, made me a more aware musician, and able to interpret and compose music on a more deeper emotional level. This is the goal of any artist: to be able to express inner feelings, not so much in words, like a poet, but with sound and the infinite wisdom and insights that are achieved only through experiences of the world. To date, my medications have finally been regulated, after a long trial and error period for the physicians, and to a minimum of those medications that have been proven by time. No SSRI’s are tolerated by my personal chemistry. Despite the dark days I have, I know they will not last forever. If one has to see the blessings and wisdom gained in tragedy, mine would be a classic case. The violin saved my life, one could say and is therapeutic in itself. No gift that the Lord has blessed me with has been more responsible for changing mine, as well and others lives for the good. Even when it seemed not so good…

If one should like an introduction to the aspects of the various kinds of mental illnesses, and to further understand how they affects artistic and non-artistic persons alike, and their relationships, visit:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

Bear in mind, that it is a wide medical opinion of most physicians and psychologists, that bi-polar disorder, and its accompanying symptoms, are a relatively new field of study, although it has been around since man himself. It was just termed differently in the past: distracted, melancholy, hysterics, the "blues" and many other terms were used to refer to depression and anxiety. It is unique to the psychology of each individual as to the severity and management of the disorder.

Jerald Franklin Archer

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November 2008

Musicians and Manic Disorders

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