December 2005

Eat healthy. Exercise often. Die anyway.

December 29, 2005 00:51

Hi, everybody! Advanced Happy New year to everyone at v.com :-)

My Christmas was particularly cheery and fruitful (new girlfriend!! ^___^), so I haven't been particularly angsty lately... at least not enough to drive me to post a blog entry.

However, this was just too funny not to share with everyone:

____________________

For those who are planning to make resolutions for the new year, here's one you can strike off the list.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A : Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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More entries: January 2006 • October 2005

December 2005

Eat healthy. Exercise often. Die anyway.

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