January 27, 2006 at 4:02 AM

Well, it certainly has been a long long time since I've been back on the internet. I apologize, my violin frenzied friends! I haven't played in awhile either, but that has a very well explainable reason. My father passed away in November so I've been in Ohio for awhile. Everytime I look at my violin I think of my father, so of course I don't want to go there. My dad was one of those hard to please guys who never let his guard down. I had only ever seen him cry one time and that was when his father had passed away. He always made me keep practicing when I was young because I wanted to quit many times, but he would never let me. He signed me up for orchestra's in 5th and 6th grades but he would NEVER ever come to the concerts. So, he never heard me perform in a group until my brothers wedding when I was about 16 or 17 years old. I played in a duet with a piano and myself. My brother and sister in law are good ol' boy and girl so of course they chose Kannon in D. My father was in the crowd at the wedding and of course I wasn't watching him, I was watching the music on the page. Well, we were watching the video from the wedding after my dad's funeral, and the camera man zoomed in on my mom and dad when we were playing Kannon. His eyes were locked on me and there were tears streaming down his face. He was so proud of me because none of my brothers or sisters ever stuck with the instruments they chose, but he would never say it. I'm glad I saw the video because it made me realize that he really was proud of me. It put some old skeletons in my closet to rest, but I still have issues with my violin and him. I'll get over it but for now she's collecting dust in the music room. Good thing I bought polish....

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on January 27, 2006 at 9:46 AM

Something similar happened to me. After my father's death, I went through his desk and looked at the papers there. I was amazed at what I found. He had saved every birthday card and every Father's Day card I had drawn and colored for him, as well as every program for every concert for every orchestra I had played in. I didn't even remember some of them. Why did he keep his pride for me locked in a desk drawer for all those years?

From Marcianne O'Day
Posted on January 27, 2006 at 10:46 PM

Your story reminds me of my dad too. He didn't do 'approval' and couldn't bear recitals no matter how hard we worked. We always had to do our practicing before he came home. (if we practiced at all :-)) I always felt very ashamed of my playing (and still do to some degree).
A few years ago he was dealing with some long-term health-related trauma and I drove up to help my mother out and something in him just changed and it was like all of that 'non-approval' junk had just fallen away and we had a lot of fun jamming together one Sunday. I'll remember it til the day that I die.

Even though he is supportive and proud of me now, I still grieve for the loss of that type of support during the critical years of my upbringing. I feel very conflicted about it and I think I definitely carry some of those feelings into my music-making- which is sad.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It got me thinking and as dangerous as that may be sometimes, it is definitely a good thing in this case. :-)

From Kelly Kilcourse
Posted on January 29, 2006 at 4:40 PM

Thank you two for sharing that with me, it helps me know that I wasn't the only one with a father who "secretly" supported us. :) My fathers desk contained a lot of "kelly-artifacts" as my brother called them, too. I guess we just never know until we dig, huh.

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January 27, 2006 at 4:02 AM

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