December 2004

December 25, 2004 18:05

Running the race

Merry Christmas!!! I hope you all enjoyed a nice meal, but especially a warm and loving time with family, friends and lots of beautiful music!
My Christmas was restful. My mom has made a great dinner, and my grandparents were here to visit. We exchanged gifts (My brother and I finally gave my parents a weekend to a nice hotel, which we have promised them for years) and Santa gave me exactly what I wanted: a watch that tells my heartrate. Because I am not only wanting to participate in the Queen Elisabeth and graduating from Juilliard (which might cause my heart rate to jump), my other goal is running a marathon! Ok, stop laughing!!! I really want to do this! :-)

This summer I had some training with a private instructor and I asked him causeously if I ever were to be able to run a marathon. I did not have much confidence in my body and just figured I would have to be satisfied with less physical ability. But to my surprise he told me New York 2004 was not possible, however 2005 might be a possibility. For anybody that knows me personally: I got that glare in my eyes I get when talking about Dvorak Quintet, Tchaik and Shostakovich 1 concerto, or the swiss mountains.
Running a marathon seemed so out of my league. But after hearing it would be a possibility, I have set my mind to it. During the fall I have been working out almost every single day. After the competition in Korea I slacked, but now it is time to get back to it. Since I don't have a personal trainer anymore I decided to take things a little slower, so for the coming year it is my goal to finish half a marathon in a decend time.
Tomorrow morning I will start / continue my training with my new heartbeat watch from Santa.

I find more and more that music and sports have so much in common. Sometimes playing a concerto feels like running a marathon. Doing a competition definetly feels like one. In Holland there is a commercial for a sportsdrink about the man with the hammer that hits you at a certain point. Talk to any sporter and they know everything about wanting to give up. I have definetly experienced that in music, but also in other fields of life. But the human body and mind are capable of amazing things. At some point the body starts making a certain "happy hormone" while sporting and you can go past borders that you never imagined. same goes for music. Often there are these moments in practicing where you just don't want to, can't concentrate. When you leave that behind, you often have your best practice sessions. I did not have that high in playing in Korea, but by going on, not quitting, walking of stage, flying home, or just even giving up while on stage, I have grown. And on top of that, I never had a nightmare anymore about being on stage and not knowing my music. It happened, I got through it and the world did not end. I was not proud of the way I played, but even more proud for keeping my head high!
Looking at Olympic gymnast, the difference between a champion and a very good gymnast is not perfection, it is how they cope after a slip. Some completely loose it and make a hughe mistake, others go one to be in the moment and put of the analyzing, the eternal why is this happening, until after their performance.

I don't want to win a marathon, but I want to grow from the process of preparing for it and the actual running it. Only when you actually go and run the race, you can learn what about your preperation is effective and what can be better or different. Same goes for music. We can practice until eternity, but only on stage we will know what the outcome is.
It might go for living too. We can think as much as we want about life. But life is not about philosophies in the end, it is about doing. We need to run the race, in order to get the prize. And that prize wil not be for being the fastest, the prize is our growth process, something internal and at the same time external. The prize is to go beyond ourselves, a place that we only can imagine in our dreams.

Christmas is good time to revisit dreams. It celebrates a new beginning. Running a marathon, getting a degree from Juilliard, participating in the Queen Elisabeth: all beautiful dreams, but none of these are the prize. They are only marks on the way to my prize.

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December 20, 2004 04:36

I am writing this blog half asleep. I just came back with the night train from Basel. But I did not sleep much. So, probably I'll take a short nap before starting my practice session today.
Tha weekend was incredible. Friday morning I was in the conservatory in Basel at 7:30, in my favorite practice room, where I used to always practice while I was still a student there. I did a good 3 hours of practising before Esme, the cellist showed up. We had not seen eachother for several months, so we did not do too much bowings and more catching up over a hot chocolate.
After that we started rehearsals in another music school, just outside of Basel, in one of those idyllic swiss towns. During the 2 days of rehearsals I was consistantly surprised how much fun being a musician is. This trio combination works great, the cellist fits in very well and on top of that, we all share a love for mountains and nature in general.
Yesterday was my day off. Esme and I decided to go to a Christmas Market in the center of Basel. It was amazing, it started snowing and the Christmas feeling was complete, drinking Gluhwein. When we went back to the family we were staying with, it was as being in a fairytale. They live somewhat outside the city in the hills and everything was completely white, the roads had not been driven on, the trees had this lair of snow and there was no sound, except of snow falling.

I am going to make some shameless advertisement for people in the Basel area reading this. On January 7, 2005 is the first concert of this trio. Together with swiss pianist Reto Reichenbach and the Dutch cellist, Esme de Vries, I am playing trio's from Mendelssohn and Martin. The concert will be in "Musikschulhaus Riehen" and will start at 6:30 PM. Entrance is free, there will be a "kollekte".

Tomorrow another rehearsal with Mendelssoh & Mozart Sonatas works of Takemitsu and Messiaen. We'll see what happens there, still a lot of work to do.

I am going to bed for my nap. Have a nice day!

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December 15, 2004 14:04

Tomorrow I am off to Switzerland for rehearsals. I think I spend this week about 25 hours staring at the computer, trying to find a place to life in New York, but until now I have not had any luck. If only I had money, then it would be a lot easier... But after just reading the article on the NY Times on the Juilliard Effect, I am wondering if I am ever going to be financially secure... But he, I mostly love what I am doing, so who cares, besides the collection agencies :)

The other part of my week has consisted out of preparation for the Queen Elisabeth. However not by practicing. I am having a hard time choosing repertoire, and I don't seem to be capable of choosing what I want to play. There are so many good pieces out there. Take for instance Distance de Fee of Takemitsu, beautiful Messiaenic piece (is that a word???) It would be a great piece for the post 1950 requirement. But I could also do the Yun Konigliches Thema, which I know by now... And for the finals: do I play Tchaikovksy Concerto combined with Debussy Sonata, both pieces which I intemately know, or do I go for the less "popular" Shostakovich first concerto and the Mendelssohn Sonata, which I do not have so much of a history with. There are so many cons and pros. And then the all time question of Paganini Caprices. Did these juryes forget how it was to be young and how much they hated playing Paganini??? Why do they make us suffer the same fate and then triple it (you are supposed to have 3 caprices ready to go, and they tell you a little bit before playing which one will be the one they want to hear...)

I am looking forward to it, even the Paganini's. But it is a hard decision, choosing programms for these kind of events. I always try to visualize myself playing at the event and then see what piece feels most natural and right. Although some pieces might never feel natural, one can always tell if something fits or not.

I told myself I have to decide before Christmas, so I have another week to brainstorm. I will play through the Mendelssohn and Takemitsu with a friend and hopefully that will help my decision. I do have to practice, think about them, eat them, breath them, sleep with them for the next 6 months. By the time the competition is over, I still want to like them. We'll see what happens. Maybe I should take a poll on what V-com readers think...
Goodnight!

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December 11, 2004 14:41

The story of Anna and I

I just read Jessica's blog and her inspiring story about her violin, which made me decide to write a little bit about mine.

About almost 10 years ago, I met a swiss cardiologist, Kaspar. I was invited to play some concerts in Switzerland and they had also organized a house concert with this man, in the vicinity of Basel. Barely 16 years old I went with my mom and a pianist from the Netherlands, and we went for a fun time around Swizterland. We stayed several days with Kaspar and his family, they were very open and sweet and we kept in touch. Several months later I was invited to another houseconcert at his place, this time the first prize winner of the Tchaikovsky competition Raphael Oleg was playing.
Up until that time I had been playing a Vuillaume owned by the Royal Conservatory in The Hague, but I knew I had to start looking for another "friend", since I was not intending to stay much longer at the conservatory.
In the days I spend at the families house, Kaspar showed me several violins he owns. One really caught my attention: a violin his parents had bought for his sister. Kaspar was raised in a musical family: his sister and brother are both professional musicians, and although Kaspar chose to become a doctor, he is a very good amateur pianist, practicing diligently at home at his grand or the upright piano at his praxis.
Anyways, he showed me the instrument and I fel in love with it. It has quite an unusual form after the "a-longer" periode of Stradivarius. Kaspar told me I could try out the instrument for a while and I left at the beginning of the summer with it.
It was the beginning of a long hate - love relationship. I loved the sound I could make, it was a quite unusual sound with a green shade as basic sound. Most violins have either a dark red (bourgondy) sound and more and more violinmakers try to brighten it. However this violin was not made for brightening. And although I loved the sound, that summer I was playing the Schubert Quintet in C and there is a woolfe on the B, a nightmare for the slow movement. On top of it, the violin had not been played for, I think almost 30 years, and needed adjustment. Although everybody told me not to stick with the instrument (or as one person said: don't get married to it) I decided to hang in and see what would happen. I turned in the Vuillaume and there was no way back.
There was not a single day, the violin was not improving. She was in desperate need of care and attention, somebody who would gently wake her up. I am not the person to do anything gently. My character is passionate and temperamental, something which helps me project music, but was not fit for this violin. So when the chance came to play a Gagliano from the Dutch Music Instrument Foundation I grabbed it. As beautiful as the Gagliano was, we were not made for eachother and after I was having financial trouble, paying the insurance, I figured it was a sign that we were not supposed to be together.
Some of you might wonder, I talk about instruments as if they would be humans. To me, they almost are. For one, violins do live. Wood reacts on humidity, temperature etc. and so my violin can be very moody at times, depending on the weather. We humans might have winter depressions, violins have them too!
Also, for me, the violin is an extension of my vocal cords. It is a way to say things, express emotions, feelings, thoughts, that can not be put in words: sometimes because words don't exist, but also often because I am afraid to speak things out loud. With a violin I can say anything, express my deepest sorrow or worship in ultimate joy.

So, I went back to Switzerland, to pick up "Anna". Yes, my violin has a name, something which I have never confessed publicly. And from there on Anna and I went on quite a journey. She thaught me to be patient. She was not going to reveal all her secrets to me in a couple weeks. Soon after I made a second start with her, I switched teachers. I went to Switzerland and worked with Stefan Muhmenthaler. With him I learned to listen to the violin and make the tone she wants to produce, rather then force my projection upon her. Many hours of open strings later, Anna started opening up. A ring came to the sound, overtones that were so incredibly rich. It was not her that needed tuning up, it was definetly me. After endless lessons open strings, intonation and bowing exercises she started flourishing (as did I) and more and more people started hearing what a gorcious instrument she is.
However, one day I decided to put Anna in her case and leave for the United States to teach 3rd grade and live with a family with 5 children. Kaspar, the owner, was so good to let me take her with me, even though I did not believe I would actually play. So Anna came along and was stored under the bed.
Untill I somehow got involved in a Christian Rockband. Anna back out of its case, playing along with electric guitar, drums, awesome keyboard, and at times great brass. Although it was a culture shock, I think we both enjoyed the freedom that came with it. I improvised whatever came to me and somehow it was always in line with what sounded best on Anna. After a while Tchaikovsky started luring me and after I came in contact with the concertmaster of the Seattle Symphony I became serious again about playing violin and doing so with Anna.
Until one day I woke up and I was in a fantasyland for violinsit. Mr. Machold came to visit Seattle and needed somebody to play several instruments of Antonio Stradivari on a radioshow. I was the lucky one to walk right into a studio, get 15 minutes with the instruments and go live on the air with Bach, Kreisler and that on the Toni brothers. And how beautiful the Toni brothers sounded. Mr. Machold left one of them with the concertmaster and his wife, who by now were also my violin teachers and landlords. I was sleeping in their basement, where also their studio was and one of the Toni brothers was stored. The idea was to raise money to buy this particular Toni brother and therefor a houseconcert was organised for people wi lot of money and I was the lucky one to play. So I had several weeks now to spend hours a day with this particular Toni brother. The concert came and especially the Ysaye sounded amazing on this instrument. But nobody bought the violin, so Toni went back to its other brothers.

Going back to Anna was as if I had commited adultary. But I also realized something very important. Sometimes all we want is to be with a moviestar or a model. Who does not want to spend the evening with Brad Pitt or Ben Affleck? But then, after a supervisual high, you come back, realizing how good life is at home, with a partner who might not be perfect, but gives you all the warmth and depth you need, and who knows you and you know them intemately.
So back to Anna. Although she did not mind, me having gone abroad, I once again started putting on my demants on her. I wanted her to be like Toni, disregarding her strenght, warmth and depth. But after several weeks our relationship grew strong again.
By now, her beauty was shining and almost everywhere I went people commented on her depth. We were getting quite strong together. I stopped searching for my perfect sound, instead looking for Anna's perfect sound.
Until another temptation came along. After winning the Concerto Competition at Juilliard I was offered to play the concert on a gorcious Guadagnini. The Mozart D Major needed something brighter than Anna could offer, and I gave her some much needed rest, going for a spa treatment with a well known violinmaker in New York. After the concert it was this violin maker that made me aware of all the things that had been playing all these years. After the concert, I braught in the Guadagnini and he gave me back Anna. I played both for him and tried to explain that I would like to have a little bit more brightness in Anna's sound. Than he told me, that yes, the Guadagnini sounded beautiful, and I sounded like many other good violinists. However on Anna I was different, the sound did indeed not have that brightness, but it was unlike anything else, playing on it I had colors unlike any other violinist.
It was as if I got conscious of the inner fight that had been going on in me and at that point I realized, that there was no boss and servant in this relationship. Without Anna I could not express much of who I am, without me playing her, Anna would be silent.

Now, almost everywhere I play, one of the first questions is what instrument I play. My standard answer: an old Italian. There are many stories about where Anna came from, as diverse as coming out of the hands of Antonio Stradivari or Guadagnini, to it formerly being a viola, that has been downsized. Her creation remains a mistery and I decided that I like it that way. We humans often look too much at labels, and too little at the actual product. Not all Stradivari sound great and not all great violins are Stradivari.

Why "Anna"? Several reasons which I can not all tell here. But a couple:
"Channah" is the Hebrew equivalent of "Anna" and means "Grace"
This is was is said about Anna in the Bible: "Anna committed her life to worshipping God. Age was no deterrent to her worship in the Temple and willingness to allow the Holy Spirit to work through her life." ( http://www.mustardseed.net/html/peanna.html )
The funny thing is, I did not find these things out until recently, but they are a perfect description of what Anna means in my life and the person this violin is named after.

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December 10, 2004 07:00

This is a week full of good news! First of all, my week in the hospital went well. Officially I do not know the result of the EEG etc, but from the guy that had to check every day if the things were still in place on my head (and I did not secretly scratch them off, while going to the bathroom where the only place was without a camera!) I heard that everything was very good. So for a long while no more hospitalizations as long as I take my meds!
Secondly I got news from Juilliard and it now is official: I will be going back in January. As much as I hate school at times, I am very, very excited. I am so looking forward to working hard with my teachers, seeing all my friends and giving my New York time a positive experience. I do no longer need to be afraid that I will be in the hospital all the time as I was before (I knew most of the personel in several Manhattan E.R.'s) and I will not let things get to me like they did before. Everything is working out and I am going to have the next couple months: "The time of my life"!
By the way, I recieved many sweet emails, especially this past week from readers. Thank you! It always feels good to know that one is that supported by collegues and friends.

From now on, no more blogs on hospitals etc. In a couple days I am leaving for Switzerland for rehearsals and of course I will let you know all about it.
Thanks again.
Carla

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December 7, 2004 08:55

My second day doing nothing. I am hooked up to an EEG and being video taped 24 hours a day. This means my freedom to move has been incredibly diminished. At the same time I am forced to do nothing. I have a TV, DVD, VHS, Stereo, Waterboiler (very important for a fanatic teadrinker as I am) in my single room. Combined with a few good books and Internet, I should be fine. Well, I guess I am so tired that whenever I read about 3 sentences in my book, I am already having trouble keeping my eyes open. I guess now is the time to sleep, a lot.
I brought some music with me and I am studying Contrasts and the Martin piano trio. Also, I brought some theory with me, because it is now about 95% sure that I will return to school. Only I have not paid any attention to Dandelot (insiders will know how great it is to read all those cleffs at the speed of light in front of a class and if your unlucky a military captain or something like that) or any theory or music history. So it is time to refresh my memory.
However, it is not all vacation here. As said, I look like Medusa, with this long lasting EEG on my head. At the same time it is hard, there are people here recovering from brain tumors, traffic accidents, childhood traumas, you name it and it is here. And they all have seizures. I have not ever been confronted with it, as much as here and that is hard. But I am also realizing how lucky I am: with me the seizures are no longer making me disfunctional. Even better, I rarely even have them. Especially in comparison to the people here.
At Juilliard I had a friend, who also had seizures. She is still my absolute example as to how one is able to deal with ilness and still be disciplined in living life as a musician. Compared to her, my life has been so easy and I can only stand in awe, seeing how she now is a grad student in another town, picking up her new life, working extra jobs to pay the rent and still coping with physical disabilities.
I feel that sometimes I am just being so negative about my own life, but being among the people here, makes me put things very fast into perspective.
Back to the subject, I am very happy to return to Juilliard. Although I am also scared at moments, but joy definetly rules. I have already discussed my program for next semester with Mr. Perlman and Mr. Weilerstein and I am looking forward to working with them. I think musically and technically I have gained quite some insights and I am forward to sharing and checking them with my dear teachers. Also, I am looking forward to spending evenings spontaneously playing chambermusic. Tell me, what's better than playing Mozart Quartets or some other great works with friends on an evening with good wine and cheese or other good snacks from Balducci's? And I heard students now even get a discount :)
And then in May I will do the things I have dreamed of as a little girl: graduate from Juilliard and participating in the Queen Elisabeth. I guess real life will start afterwards, but untill then I am going to enjoy every single moment of my life. Even the couple days I have to spend in the hospital. I know they will be the last of a couple very long years. But I can hopefully leave all that behind and life live to the fullest from friday on. Untill then I am happy to hear any DVD suggestions for this week of "doing nothing".

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December 5, 2004 15:20

Today we had Sinterklaas in Holland. It is something like Santa Claus: a big old man in a red suite bringing presents. But we add something to it, everybody makes a poem with the present. I spend a nice evening with my family, cracking up over the poems my brother produces.

Earlier this afternoon I went to a concert of Vera Beths (married to the wellknown cellist Anner Bijlsma) playing Brahms sonatas and the Scherzo. I met her during the competition in Korea and I have rarely met anybody as friendly and nice as she is. We were not allowed to talk with jury members during the competition, but one day all of a sudden she had a plate full of fruit brought to my dinner table, because I needed the vitamins! Or during my first round she had a smile on her face, the whole time during my Bach. Later on I heard she did it on purpose to make people feel more comfortable and be supportive during their performance. Rarely does one meet among musicians somebody that is so focused on the positive.
Today I heard her play after many years. She plays a gorcious Strad from 1727 which has not been tortured to fill a hall with 5000 seats. Her tone is not big, but therefor beautifully sweet.
The concert started with the Scherzo: I have truly not ever heard it play that beautiful. I was consistently surprised by the beautiful phrasing. The sonatas were beautiful as well. In a way it was nice to see a veteran like Mrs. Beths make some mistakes too, I guess it makes it more human. But that is not the thing I want to remember. I want to remember the pianisisimo's in the slow movement of the D minor, so powerful. I guess sometimes performers can create the illusion that sound is something you can touch, that can be experienced with our sense of touch on top of the hearing sense. I have only encountered that once before, with Hilary Hahn and the opening of the Bernstein and some passages in Beethoven concerto. Today I experienced it in a hall and what a powerful experience it was! Even though it was not a perfect performance, it was almost a religious experience, because of her sound. Her vibrato and bow use are also very interesting. Once in a while I felt I should listen specifically for it, but then I would rapidly forget about it, because I would be drawn back into the sound.

I feel so fortunate to be able to listen to so many good performers. I have heard some very good young performers, as described in my last blog entry. And combined with the recordings I recently bought and todays concert I feel I have again gained a whole new perspective. I have never felt so clearly in my life to be growing as an artist. And it is so nice to see that it goes hand in hand with getting more and more serious engagements where I can try out the things I am learning. At the same time most of them are engagements that I am very much invested in. My new year will start extremely well. With two of my closest friends I will performe pianotrios in Swizterland in a little town where a couple years ago my life literally took a complete different turn. In the couple weeks I lived there, I decided to take a year off, move to the US. What I will never forget is that a very dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. I was sitting in a small chapel when her husband told me the news. In the couple weeks I spend there, I feel I went from being a girl to being a young woman, having to take decisions that, looking back on it, changed my life. I was forced to grow up, look at life, with all its positive, but also sometimes deeply painful experiences. And now I am going back there, playing for dear friends, some of them whom I have not seen since that periode. And you know, I did not even organize this, it was organized by the pianist, whom I met years later and turned out to know many of the people who had become so dear to me. The pianist and I have worked together now for several years in a pianotrio and when our cellist told she could not continue, we decided to go on the look for another cellist. And it so happened that my best friend had moved from the Netherlands to Switzerland to study with cellist Patrick Demenga, a close friend of my former violin teacher in Swizterland. So it was not difficult to find out who our new cellist would be.
How often in life, do we get the chance to play with our dearest friends, for an audience that have many people that have incredibly inspired me, in a breathtaking environment (I used to go sledding down the mountain there)?
Once again, I feel to be one of the luckiest people on the planet. I often doubt about myself, but if I look at the things I am enabled to do, I can only be greatful. Somebody above (God) is giving me many presents in the form of lots of people I care about and care about me and a language in the form of music that can say what words could not express: how thankful I am!

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for the hospital. I am trusting that it will be my last hospital stay in a very long time. My health has been so much better as it has been in the last couple years, that I am trusting that the doctors can only have good news after this week.

Greetings,
Carla

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December 3, 2004 16:17

Today was a day full of music. I had a rehearsal or better said a "get to know eachother" with a very gifted Dutch pianist. We played through several Mozart Sonatas, beethoven Kreutzer and Spring, Faure, Prokofiev 1, and a piece by Khatchaturian's nephew Karen Katchaturian. We have decided to go ahead and work together as a duo and we will start with 2 concerts in March in Amsterdam. the program will be fun: Mozart 305, Mendelssohn, Messiaen Theme et Variations and (we could not find another M... composer) Respighi Sonata.I am looking forward to it. the next couple months will be very busy. On average I have 5 concerts a month with 2 or 3 different programms a month and they are as spread out as the west coast of the US to Siberia. I guess I will be getting some frequent Flyer Miles in the next couple months. And I decided to start with the preparation of the Queen Elisabeth Competition. that does not mean I'll actually participate, but I want to start the work.
Tonight I went to a concert of an old study mate: Janine Jansen played Britten Concerto with the Concertgebouw Orchestra. She has such authority on stage, very admirable and she looks great, I need to find out where she gets her dresses. However I could not say much about her playing, I was sitting somewhere where I could barely hear her. The things I did hear were very good though and observing her ahs given me many things to think about in my own violin playing. I have heard so many great violinist in the past month. I still am very impressed by the Korean BoKyoung Lee who displayed such a technical demand, combined with a pleasant tone to listen to. Listening to her was getting into a warm bath where I could just relax and enjoy. Both with Erin keefe and Janine Jansen I am forced to think. They have commanding interpretations that are very interesting and are both in their own completely different way great violinists. In fact, there were some moments in Erin's Brahms I had goosebumps all over me, her slow movement was heavenly. But I also enjoy not having to think and just be relaxing while listening. All these qualities of these people are things I am looking for. things that I want to develope in my own playing. I want to be as secure about who I am as an artist as Janine, I want to be as creative as Erin, and as stable as BoKyoung. I have learned so much in the past weeks.
Next week I am forced to take off. I have to go to the hospital for a week (nothing serious), but it will give me time to rethink who I am as an artist and what I want to be like.
recently I met with some Christian collegues and we talked a lot about our identity as a human and as an artist and how everything is combined. It is weird, I am not in school this semester and still I feel I have been learning at least as much as in school. I guess learning is more based upon attitude than geographical place.
Back to violin... How do I get that security of Janine. Well first of all: practice, practice, practice. But there was something else. I don't think she plays the mindgames with herself as I do at competitions. She is sure and convinced of her interpretation and I have proven that when I am secure and convinced, as I was in Bach at the competition, things work out. So I need to trust myself a whole lot more.
Secondly, the creativity of Erin: practice, practice, practice. At the moment I feel secure left, I can start to color right. Like a painter... when the material is in order, you can interprete. Erin's playing is incredibly flowing and I only can reach that, if I let go of all thoughts concerning perfection or worse, concerning what other people might think!
And BoKyoung: practice, practice, practice! And besides that, also her concentration was phenomenal. I have met not many people with such a gift to be fully consumed by the music. She was totally one with the moment, and at the same time she did not seem to be thinking at all about it. It truelly flowed through her.
So I guess I can say that all these things could be reached when I would do the following: Practice and be very disciplined about my life as a violinist. If you can't play the notes, you cannot expect to put artistry down. Artistry goes hand in hand with knowing your craft.
Secondly I need to be able let go while playing. For me the way to do that is to not focus on me, or my relation to the music, audience, jury, teacher, family, whatever. I need to let go of everything. This is what is described in Christianity as putting everything at the feet of God. Only when you let go of self can God (Universe, for the Zen practicioners among us, whatever one at this site might call it)work. Those are the moments where the music can come fully to what it is, and what it is meant to be. Rachel Podger has such a pure sound. But it can not be reached by just focusing on the sound. In fact, we need to let go. Because at the moment we concentrate on it, it becomes forced, and at least it will loose some of its purity and honesty.

I have many ideas, but I am not quite able to put them in words. For me, I need to start with more practice, and also putting what I just described into practice. I can start with scales, getting them completely in tune, technically (almost) perfect and than to let go. Only then will I at some point feel that it is right to play Beethoven concerto. Only then can I combine all those wonderful things of these artists.

I need to go to bed and stop this semi philisophical or otherwise described as babling.
greetings from Purmerend!
Carla

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