September 17, 2004 at 1:46 AM

I don't know what it is about my all day every day that saps my energy so much. I keep very detailed accounts of all my practicing...not just the times, but what I do and what I am frustrated about...failures and sucesses. That sort of thing. When I got home tonight I counted my time and had only done a few hours when I felt like I'd been practicing all day. My breaks kind of turned into siestas...so I broke out the violin and played through the whole Beethoven for my husband without stopping. It was hard because I was feeling a bit dizzy before I started (I didn't eat until I got home today and then I ate too much at once. stupid. Have to remember to eat at school/work during the day mental note to self). But I did it! I was surprised that I didn't give up. Somewhere in the middle of the last movement I lost my sense of the tonal center. I'm hoping that playing with the piano will help with things like that. I couldn't just stop and reposition my hand or play the tonic or anything. Oh well. I had a bad experience with the cadenza this morning. One of the other students is giving a recital in a week, so this morning I listened to her play through some of her pieces. To make her nervous and give her practice playing in front of someone. She didn't seem nervous.... played extremely well. I was proud of her, really. Then, a bit later was my turn. I wasn't really expecting it so I hadn't taken my performance meds. But I decided to try it anyway. I was o.k. until the middle of the first page when my bow hand started to shake and I messed up, like, ALL of the chords and shifts. Then mywhole body started to shake, lips included. I just stopped. She understood and we were going to do it later, but I got exhausted and went home and we'll do it tomorrow if there is time. I was pretty embarrased. That is the problem (past thread) with performance meds. You don't always know when there is going to be an impromptu need to play...after she left the practice room I tried to log in my notebook the experience but I was still shaking so hard I coudln't write. Pathetic. I didnt' want to say as an excuse that my ritalin was doubled this mornign so that could be a cause. Total excuse. I couldn't help thinking that she is a freshman and I'm almost done with my Masters and, well, it was just a hard pill to swallow that I couldn't play for her. ANyhow. TOmorrow is a new day. I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I'm tired all the time. I can't believe a weekend is finally almost here. TWO WHOLE DAYS to chill out. I have to send my violin off to get fixed. I've never done that before. I hope that it all goes well. And doesn't cost mea fortune. I've never robbed a bank before....don't want to start now! Anyhow. For those who have emailed me and I have not gotten back to you...I'm sorry. I'll try to catch up soon.
JW

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September 17, 2004 at 1:46 AM

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