September 19, 2005 at 2:00 AM

According to Amy F. I haven't updated in forever, leaving everyone to think I'm still in deep in the throes of an existential crisis. Which is true, but not so much the point. I felt a bit better after my lesson this weekend and we spent the whole time on the Brahms slow movement which was nice. I probably underestimated the time it would take to adjust to the environment and all, but adjusting to a new teaching style isn't all that difficult because Mr. Preucil is so kind and laid back. Actually I probably make it more difficult because I'm so intense, and I've never had a teacher who wasn't totally, whiplashing intense, so it's just funny when I'm so used to receiving orders to hear a teacher casually say, "Here's a tip; try this and see if you like it, but do whatever you want." I'm already excited about yet more things to think about and listen for and work on, especially shifting and slides--I've been so trained to be an intonation freak that I've let developing those nuances pass.

Other than that I can't say much that I haven't said before. I feel that more and more in the past year or so I've become preoccupied while playing--certainly not with other things, but with notes, with every little articulation that's supposed to be there. With technical things and, more importantly, the mental hurdles they present and how I still can't focus in two directions at once because I still perceive them (i.e. music and technique) to be so far apart. I can tell that I definitely look preoccupied, because whoever's teaching me is usually watching me frown and furrow my brow while I attempt to play correctly. I've watched friends play this way and am always sad that they have so much to give but don't look very free with it because there are so many constraints and hoops to jump through before it will be deemed worthy or something. This is also why there is such a difference for me between performances and competitions. Competitions = work and effort and sheer willpower, whereas performances = relaxation and love and effortlessness. I was happy with the creative work I did on the second movement, but I know some of it was from going into the zone and "copping out" again by literally tuning out to whether the sound and the phrase really was consistent. Again, it's like I'm on the verge of reaching something real and great but don't trust that it is constant within me, that I can call on my creative soul at any time and have the strength to feel it and the tools to convey it.

Even this post seems half-assed to me because I get frustrated just trying to describe this nameless feeling of where I'm at. I'm sure my posts in general are making less and less sense. If so, however, then there's no reason to read my words; just run an experiment: listen to a friend's playing or tape record your own and hear how it reveals yourself, how your problems in real life might reflect in your playing. That's where you can't hide. For all I have, I haven't yet found my stability, my core, or if I have I don't trust it, and that's why I can't pull it all together yet.

Now I have to amend that last sentence because I don't even know if it's true (and risk sounding even more out there). I said something like this before, that I can feel what I would term my soul or what I draw on emotionally in my playing, right underneath the surface of my skin, and especially in my heart and stomach, whenever I choose. So it's not true that I don't know my own core or identity. What is true is that there is no peace or order to it, that I don't know how to maintain control of it. It's all here and I'm not expressing it properly--partially because I don't know how and partially because I'm afraid to really do so anyway. Another thing that holds me back, like comfort, is normalcy. To reach my potential I might have to be even stranger than I already am; my posts might no longer make any logical sense whatsoever. I'm not technically good enough to be an uninhibited insane artist and get away with it, so I'm struggling to get this discipline thing down and it's in turn driving me insane.

Looking for freedom in a box.

September 19, 2005 at 2:00 AM

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