September 11, 2005 at 5:17 AM

In non-musical news, I adopted a cat from the Cleveland Animal Protective League. She's a bizarre mutt blend of brown and white tiger--part snow white and part striped--spayed, one-and-a-half years old, and thoroughly spoiled already. I went on a slight shopping spree for her at PetsMart and it figures that the one toy she's crazy about was 99 cents, while her expensive 4 ft. tall scratching post/hideout (dubbed the "Mini-Skyscraper") sits practically untouched, even with catnip.

I posted something in the message boards that may or may not go up soon about Don Greene's profiles/inventories/surveys for performing artists. Despite the fact that I have yet to be able to actually take the artist survey I paid for, I did want to be fair and blog to say I got some use out of the profile that was free and worked properly. That would be the Seven Skills Survey. It measures your strengths and weaknesses in areas related to performance success and well-being, and the fact that all of the factors are shown in a concrete bar graph from low to high makes the issues I face a little more tangible. Here is the summary of my results, and if you're interested in some narcissistically self-absorbed pscyhoanalysis of them, you can continue reading the ensuing paragraphs as well:

Strengths:
*Intensity (the power of your concentration)
*Duration (your attention span)
*Presenting (your ability to present to groups)

Mid-Range Scores:
*Will to Succeed (your intent to succeed)
*Intrinsic Motivation (motivation from within)
*Mental Quiet (the amount of mental chatter)

Areas for Improvement:
*Ability to Relax (the ability to relax)
*Ability to Risk Success (your fear of success)
*Ability to Risk Defeat (your fear of failure)

The complete bar graph shows even more factors (24 grouped into 7 broader category areas which I will denote in italics), but what strikes me most is those last two. In fact, looking at the bar graph, the only other area in dire need of improvement would also be Self Talk, which is much more towards the critical end rather than supportive. This makes a lot of sense to me; just as musically reaching the fusion of all my separate abilities is holding me back, so mentally do I have many strengths that often fall just short in the face of adversity.

Or a lot short. I can't really tell which; I only scored a bit less than 50% on Perspective in general. In fact, NOW looking at these graphs, they just look all over the place. According to Dr. Greene's analysis, I have an incredible Ability to Fight, but am too Sensitive and don't Recover from setbacks very well, putting my overall Resilience in a paltry middle range. My strongest areas are Focus and Poise, which may be why I appear to be so put together to people on the outside. Determination factors are all generally high but not enough so in my opinion, or I would be able to push through more often than I do. Self Confidence is about 50% which makes sense as I waver between optimism and pessimism, Self Talk is terribly negative, and Expectancy (which I assume means self-expectations) is through the roof. My Energy is rather low, though it has been a slow practice week. My Optimal performance Energy is exactly halfway between calm and excited, which I completely agree with. Of course, my actual Performance Energy is much too anxious. The most pathetic category, however, is Courage, and I suppose therein lies my problem. Despite all the thinking I do, I haven't completely learned to trust my own abilities. In fact often the thinking gives me an excuse to hide behind. In my personal life I am not a big risk taker, and this must show in my music as well. I don't believe my playing is at all boring, and I think it's often fairly free, but it's probably not too surprising. I stay in my emotional comfort zone, which is quite vast, but it doesn't run the gamut. I want to develop emotions that don't come as naturally; for example, I'm not a particularly adept showpiece performer because I'm not much of a charmer, I readily admit.

I apologize for the length of this entry and I hope I'm getting somewhere, if you're still with me. Even if you're not, this is mostly for myself anyway (in keeping with my self-absorbed nature lately, meaning, my entire life): I have been using the word fear a lot, but I'm sure the word risk works as well; in fact, it matters very little what word I use because everyone knows and understands the feeling. It's just that in my case it looks a little more preposterous, because here I am with the tools to make myself be (and I think no other verb belongs there), and I reject them because the sort of limbo or purgatory I am currently in, musically, is more comfortable than the work and years and sweat of striving, and once I arrive wherever it may be--top or bottom, makes no difference--I will still be less comfortable than I am now. However, I will probably be happier. So all you who have been reading and admiring my approach to things--you've been drawing inspiration from someone who values comfort right now more than anything else. What a silly thing to cling to in comparison to the greater things I could be achieving or the nobler things I could be doing, directly, for others. I don't love comfort; it is just the way I've lived and I've become attached. I know how to fight, but I would wager that I don't know how to fight for my life, and in a way that is the skill I need to learn to get past the last block. I'm at an edge now--a tired and melodramatic metaphor, but it serves its purpose--and I'd rather just idly stand there, dumbly ignoring my choices and my self-responsibility, when I know how much harder and how much better flying would be. Falling also would be better, but it's something I don't even like to consider an option.

The general premise of psychotherapy is that once you understand your own patterns and workings, you will be able to liberate yourself and change. Well, I'm not an idiot and I've empowered myself through all that rationalism, but it still just comes down to something in my gut kickstarting that change. I clearly haven't felt it for good yet, and maybe it never happens for good. I can certainly attempt to rationalize away my fears, but I'm not 100% logical and that can never completely vanquish them. I feel I need proof that trust works, and yet I have had that proof; I have given a handful of great performances and have been happy. As much as I would like to end this post on some lovely note, I think I'll have to leave it in this decidedly gray area for now.

What do musicians without regular existential crises have that I don't? They have overflowing determination, will to succeed, commitment, whatever--not lukewarm. And they probably don't think as much and therefore have less cause to fear.

September 11, 2005 at 5:17 AM

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