August 26, 2005 at 1:55 AM

From practicing lately, which has been not bad but still frustrating for reasons mentioned in the last post (difficulty putting it all together), I can tell that the only way I have a shot of performing Brahms to a relative level of satisfaction in October is to make a practice schedule with enough structure so that I don't get lost, and stick with it. In the way of technique, which I desperately need to start spending a couple hours a day on, I should focus on the stuff I'll need. My double-stops are just not up to speed (literally) and if I play other things mostly in tune than I should learn how to play multiple, simultaneous notes in tune as well. Another huge thing is vibrato; I simply need to develop more widths so that I can actually choose differently for different passages. When I actually do practice repertoire, it needs to start crudely, with a constant solid sound no matter how unmusical, to counteract my habit of fading unreliably in and out of a core sound when I'm trying too hard to be sensitive. Intonation also--I feel like the last thing I played extremely in tune was Sibelius because I worked like a dog on it, and that was quite some time ago. From the standpoint of decent sound and intonation, I have to learn to sculpt from there, and not the other way around as I usually do.

In a way my biggest problem is simply psyching myself out. I have actually noticed that even when I'm not off ignoring what's coming out of the instrument because I'm too in the zone, even when I'm trying to observe what's really going on, I do tune it out. That's rather disconcerting. If I am watching my bow changes in the mirror, I will actually sometimes avoid watching them. What could I possibly be doing instead? Generally, flinching, or grimacing out of trying too hard, or quickly glancing somewhere else like at the floor during the moment of change, or psyching myself out by thinking that making this bow change smooth will be deathly hard, and thus it becomes so when it's really not at all. To beat this I need to settle myself down and concentrate much more objectively than emotionally, not worrying about what people outside my practice room might think but just about the way things look and sound and what needs to be adjusted to improve it. The psyching myself out thing also contributes to my periods of procrastination. I usually procrastinate because I know the first five minutes of rusty, cold, out-of-shape playing will be the worst, and I am too critical and perfectionistic to be able to bear getting through those five minutes and on to more warmed-up playing. On some level I know this is immature behavior. Five minutes of not getting what I want can be enough to make me give up and go seek out something that gives instant but hollow gratification, like a computer game, and that's really pretty lame. If I can accept faults in others, then with myself I must have the patience and faith to push through the rough times and know that something better lies ahead. If I can't stand to hear some bad playing or to fail something I experiment with, then I will never improve.

August 26, 2005 at 1:55 AM

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