August 16, 2005 at 6:35 AM

So much has happened this summer. I believe it's been mostly good, but when things change so quickly it's hard to tell. The most important thing for me musically is that I've figured out pretty much exactly where I need to go from here--something I've been yearning to discover for the past two years. Considering that I haven't even transferred yet (officially moving in a few days!), that's not bad. Besides the whole technical solidity thing, there are always, always more things I can do artistically. I was fortunate enough to see Sergey Khachatryan's recital at Ravinia last week, and it was wonderful. I particularly loved his Debussy Sonata--it seemed to showcase all the capricious, spontaneous, creative aspects of his playing, and he is overflowing with those gifts, as well as a gift for inward playing, and a gift for heart-on-sleeve romantic playing...so many palettes! I feel I need to play much more French music to develop that side of my playing; I find it somewhat difficult to change emotions so quickly and subtly but the French violin sonatas demand it. In orchestra as well, capturing that special sound is in a way compounded in difficulty, what with so many musicians trying to blend into one shimmering voice. Mr. Preucil and I have emailed a couple times and it seems that my tentative recital program this year will in fact be the Debussy Sonata, the Beethoven "Kreutzer" Sonata, and some kind of showpiece (another area in which I am lacking).

Speaking of repertoire--I am also performing the Brahms Concerto with the Waukegan Symphony Orchestra and Stephen Blackwelder, conductor, this season! And I recently found out the concert date: Saturday, October 22nd. That was a daunting but mostly exciting surprise. I learned the concerto two years ago but was never satisfied with the way I played it and hopefully can bring it to a different level this time around. Of course, this theoretically means I should have as little life as possible in the next two months that's not spent slaving away inside the practice room. In a way I think that shouldn't be too hard to accomplish since that is, after all, just what I need to throw myself into right now; and of course on the other hand, I know that with adjusting and everything I'll want to actually meet people and check out the neighborhood and stuff.

So with all of these uncertainties I've actually become quite interested in finally starting to teach--something that would bring me pleasure and stability and open up a whole new host of wonders and learning opportunities and connections. I have literally no experience, other than an informal lesson helping out my little cousin, and yet I'm hoping to build skills and confidence by throwing myself into it and just doing it already (which I kind of need to do with my practicing anyway). I know I have lots of ideas about how to help students and I love hearing my peers play and giving comments and suggestions and really trying to figure out how best to help them. I also feel like I have a knack for seeing not just where people stand but also their future potential, which is important because without those aspirations and that sometimes insane idealism, we'd be directionless. I definitely want to experience more teaching styles in the next several years of my education, but thankfully I have already experienced a couple different ones--the methodical, tried-and-true discipline of my longtime teacher Mr. Ribeiro, and the wonder and imagination of Helen Callus. I also see the importance of balance, of not presenting mechanics and music as at odds with each other, but aspects that come together in harmony to achieve something simulatenously technically grounded and artistically otherworldly. I am of course still struggling to reconcile these things, so I don't profess to always know the cleanest, most efficient way to achieve these ends. Yet I do know that with that goal in mind, the only thing I can do is get down to practical, ugly problem-solving, and perhaps I would learn just as much going through those same difficulties with students as I would on my own.

Perhaps best of all for me personally, going through the painful work of practicing day in and day out will help me gain the kind of self-knowledge and reliability and confidence and independence that enables me to be a much better support system for myself. Life is complicated and people move around all the time--I read a lovely book called A General Theory of Love that looks at love and attachment from a biological standpoint, and I believe it brings up the simple fact that despite the amazing advances of modern technology, we're simply not wired to travel thousands of miles from those we're attached to in the blink of an eye and feel totally healthy. I have great friends at Northwestern, have kept in touch throughout the summer, and I actually feel more sure now in August than I did in May that they will continue to be important to me. As much as I am changing and shifting, so is my support system, and it would be wonderful to eventually learn real self-sufficiency without isolation or emptiness--just fulfillment in making the journey toward my goals, and enjoying greatly others' company along the way. We are so apt to look to others for happiness and to meet our own needs, yet we rarely realize our power to meet our needs ourselves. Once we do that, we are freer than ever to help and reach out to others. So somehow through all these changes in my life I need to find the strength to push through for what I believe in, what and who I believe I can eventually be. I'd like to believe that the end result is not selfish. It's to be able to reach and touch others in the fullest way possible by being as complete an individual human being as I can be. I guess this is part of growing up.

August 16, 2005 at 6:35 AM

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