August 2, 2005 at 4:42 AM

Yet again, I had a not so good lesson followed by a great lesson where we tried to dig straight to the heart of the problem and clear things up and find out what makes me tick. Obviously, that can't all be accomplished in one day, but Helen and I did have an-hour-and-a-half conversation/pep talk about what I need to do, where I need to go from here mentally, physically, and emotionally (as trite as that sounds). One of her big beliefs that I have also adopted is that your playing very much reflects your life and vice versa. In both my playing and my life, I am at a crossroads where I am really starting to branch out on my own with greater independence and discover what I can make of myself. As with any change, it's alternately an intimidating and truly exciting feeling. That I've been a bit initially overwhelmed by all this new information is in a way only a matter of attitude: if I decide to take these ideas as a real gift, and the tools to unlock my full potential, I should be thrilled instead.

Totally unrelated, my stomach just growled, and it kind of did a descending major arpeggio. See, unlocking hidden talents already. I wish I could do that again.

When I take a deep breath, try to be a bit more objective and practice these basic skills that I haven't reviewed in years, I discover something new every few minutes. I have been reading Barry Green's The Inner Game of Music (after reading The Inner Game of Tennis a while ago), and it's reminding me that sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is let go of all our preconceived judgements and simply be peacefully aware of what's really happening in the moment. I've had teachers always telling me exactly how to do things, so it's liberating to know I can discover solutions that can work just as well by myself. I also know if I'm really focusing my ears and brain as well as possible, because I start to lose concentration after maybe 45 minutes. Sometimes I have long practice sessions, two or even three hours maximum (with bathroom breaks), and I do well but probably am not there 100% mentally. Or at least, I'm now learning to listen in a new way and this is requiring a lot of attention.

Aside from fear of failure, I think in a weird way I'm slightly afraid of success as well. The fact that I have no idea what exactly I'm capable of in my lifetime or where my limit is makes me nervous. I think my dream job would probably be the one my new teacher has--principal or concertmaster of a major orchestra. I feel like that would be really fulfilling and I would have a lot to bring to that. I want to be able to impact people in the most direct way possible; I want to be open to everything, and having no idea what the possibilities are or aren't is humbling. I'm even unsure about which instrument I ultimately should focus on--I still have a greater affinity for the violin, but I might be able to learn to really love the viola sound, and if I would make more of a difference on that instrument then that's appealing. At this point, I really don't know! But I'm trying, day in and day out, not to lose perspective of my ultimate goals--even if I don't know how precisely, in the next several years, I will go about getting there--and just enjoy the process.

I'm also reminded of Marianne Williamson's "Our Deepest Fear" (which is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but that's supposedly inaccurate). I actually think it's been posted elsewhere on this site; I think I came across it doing a search or something. However, for everyone's convenience, here it is:

Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.

We are all to make manifest
the glory of God
that is within us.
It's not just within some of us;
it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give others
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

August 2, 2005 at 4:42 AM

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