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July 28, 2005 at 8:32 PM

My third lesson with Helen a couple days ago was one of those frustrating ones--where the teacher says, "Wow, great lesson! You're learning so much," and where you say, "Crap, I have so much to fix." My vibrato starts late, I don't have enough different vibrato colors, my bow changes are problematic...I have known all these things for a while and have not been forced to confront them until now. I went away feeling overwhelmed and unable to accomplish even the simplest tasks in the practice room (like vibrate every note, or play with a consistent sound with core and focus).

Fortunately, the great thing about Helen is that she not only has high standards, but she is also very kind and human. At my last lesson I felt comfortable enough to just be honest and say that I had had a hard time figuring things out, and we spent our time writing down in detail all the steps I need to take to, for example, learn how to make a smooth bow change. All this seemingly very basic effort, in turn, made me realize that because I have had incredibly detailed teachers, I have never had to really figure things out for myself and understand the feel, look, and sound that I want to achieve. So this road block for me probably appears bigger than it is, because I don't trust that I have the total capacity to overcome it when I have, in a way, had things relatively easy. I have certainly worked hard, but I am trying to learn a new way to work--of really being aware and hearing and seeing things as objectively as possible--to get to the next level, and for a while it's a bit mind-boggling. I hope this is a new skill I'll be able to learn in the coming months, rather than something that right now seems so intimidating.