May 30, 2005 at 4:28 AM

Today I had a late start with practicing, so I've spent the entire evening at Regenstein. I took a dinner break at Norris and listened to Joseph Suk's Brahms Sonatas on my iPod. They are literally amazing. If I could convey just one ounce of his tremendous vitality and passion, I would feel successful. I think my second movement of Beethoven should go well. The first movement cadenza is also better than ever, though still so hard to be totally clean with. The first movement in general is more solid as well, which in turn allows me more comfort and freedom. Tomorrow I have a lesson at noon to run the Beethoven, and after that I will probably work a lot on Brahms and maybe the third movement of Beethoven. I'm also a little panicked about program notes, but I'm sure between tonight and tomorrrow and Tuesday morning if I need it, I'll get them done and copied and everything. Those are a very important part of the recital for me as well, and I'll be sure to post them here soon!

I feel generally happy and somewhat wistful today. I am more in love with music than ever. So many of those poignant, vulnerable, indescribable moments in life are captured so perfectly in music. And it will always be a wonder and a paradox to me that music can so effortlessly covey those unspeakable emotions--yet at the same time music is forever abstract, and to truly know the power behind it one has to live life. I suppose it's circular. What am I trying to say? That it's simply bittersweet that people appreciate my expression through music--indeed, perhaps my feelings can be expressed in no other way so beautifully; I often feel that playing is the only truly pure, redemptive thing I do--yet that at this point in my life, I still have many things to discover before I am able and allowed to express myself in a much more universal, human way. I have a caveman theory that everything would be easier if we didn't have today's complex societal issues to deal with, if we simply hunted and foraged and raised children and were interested only in survival on the most basic level. But it was once pointed out to me that then, there would be no music.

May 30, 2005 at 4:28 AM

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