May 27, 2005 at 5:56 PM

I have gotten a few kind messages from other members of this community and just wanted to say thanks. Everyone is so supportive! I also just wanted to say that I, too, struggle with procrastination and motivation, like everyone else. As a prime example, I was talking online to an old acquaintance last night until late, and so I jumped out of bed this morning two minutes before German started, got there barely in time for our last test, and then promptly came home and am now typing away at my computer in my underwear and hoping to take a nap before orchestra this afternoon. Which already wipes out half of my day. Practicing didn't go well yesterday so I'm hoping to somehow kick myself into high gear this weekend, rather than avoiding it by seeing my friends or driving around or surfing the web. I think people tend to get a strong impression from me that I know just what I want and am going for it, and I think long-range that is generally true. I have very concrete goals of having a family and a job. However, it is much harder to find fresh inspiration and fight insecurities in day-to-day life. To write about something a little more personal, I have been worried lately about maintaining friendships here as I move to a new school. I have a few close friends, almost all musicians, whose companionship I have very much valued during my time here, and I hope to keep in touch with them and probably also work with them again in the future. I feel like the time from now until I get settled next fall will be even more uncertain and unstable than usual, as my sense of home shifts. I'm excited and look forward to many new experiences, but it is still hard to feel grounded in anything permanent during this time.

Perfectionism is another problem that I think abounds for musicians. The process of achieving higher and higher levels of technique and artistry is so often negative, and to an extent that's just the way the field works. You "fix" things that are "wrong" and "bad" and they become "better." It is easy to see how this can carry over into one's self-esteem and personal life: "good players = good people, bad players = bad people." I have watched some of my friends become intimidated by those gravely mistaken assumptions, and I myself feel intimidated and pressured to constantly reprove my musical (and personal?) "worth" at every performance. However, I try my best to keep perspective. Many of my fears are technical, yet I find that when I am working best and at peace, it is because I understand that the ultimate aim of having such high technical standards is only to be able to achieve any sound, any nuance of expression, as effortlessly as possible. And so total artistic freedom demands technical security. Perfect intonation, all the time, is perhaps impossible to achieve, but it is still worth striving for, so that as many notes as possible in one's playing will ring as they only can when they are in tune. At any rate, those are some of the ideals I hold, but they can quickly become weighted down when it seems that people want perfect intonation only for its own sake, or virtuosity merely to dazzle and not to move.

I'll see how this weekend goes as far as practicing. Ideally, I would be compelled to practice the entire weekend out of sheer love, but I am not in the same state of mind I was for my last solo recital, nearly a year-and-a-half ago. I try to remember the thoughts and feelings that constantly motivated me back then, but they're a little hazy. Most of all I had the simple confidence and knowledge that I alone retained the power to make myself happy. As humans we need others--yet we need ourselves just as much.

May 27, 2005 at 5:56 PM

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