May 25, 2005 at 8:22 AM

After puttering around all day, I had a wonderful late-night practice session at Regenstein tonight--just me and the janitors, who were kind enough to let me keep going. I feel I got a glimpse of how I want to feel at the recital in a week: relaxed, and able to inhabit a beautiful and ideal inner world, and at the same time project it to the audience or draw them into it or both. After working on the Beethoven first movement development and recap, I had the pleasure of being so far into the zone that I could simply play large parts of my Brahms sonata and feel for the first time more centered in the piece and at one with it. I have only gradually come to realize that it is the perfect piece to end the program and my time at Northwestern, as it is, to paraphrase many people, like saying goodbye to a very dear friend.

As daunting as my program as a whole is (and I get particularly frustrated with how difficult it is to psych myself immediately into the opening of virtually every movement--in Beethoven, the first with those octaves, the second so exposed, the third right away with the theme; in Brahms, the mere fact that all the movements must start as if the music had been going on infinitely before it), I am excited and these pieces are taking on a special importance to me, which of course they held before, but it is always a different feeling to dig into a piece and eventually feel somewhat justified in calling it your own, in a way. With the Mendelssohn, I was particularly happy to have the opportunity to solo with orchestra both this year and the year before. I don't know if my interpretation changed all that drastically, but it definitely allowed me to feel increasingly more at ease, and it is simply such a fresh piece, no matter how often played. The Sibelius I will always feel particularly attached to simply because it fits my temperament so well, while at the same time it ironically exploits my greatest fears. It is certainly the piece I have worked hardest on and struggled the most with.

The pieces on my program this year are different creatures altogether. I recently read Michael Steinberg's program notes for the Beethoven Concerto (I really adore his writing), and he actually takes the view that the piece has been weighed down and burdened by its labels of "greatness" and "depth"--that the tempi are usually too slow, and that it sometimes misses the lightness, delicacy, and essentially ornamental nature that must have characterized its first performance by Franz Clement, to whose singular playing the composition was fashioned. I admittedly have a penchant for slowing things down, but I hope to find a balance between lightheartedness and profundity throughout the work. Perhaps they are not such extremes as the seem; after all, the depth in the most simple lines, such as when the violin plays the entire second theme on the D and G strings in the coda for the first time, is readily apparent.

I have been thinking a bit about general aspects of my playing that I would like to work on in the coming couple years. I have gotten a lot of comments about needing more variety in vibrato; my natural vibrato is quite wide and often too slow if I'm out of shape or just not being vigilant. Even when it is fast enough, the width can sometimes distort the pitch. So being able to phrase with vibrato as seamlessly as with the bow is one thing. Speaking of which, bow changes are another thing; in orchestra as well as solo playing it is important that they be smooth and indiscreet. I have a habit of speeding up or jerking the bow just before I change. Also, sound colors in general. It is hard to balance a flautando or airy sound with maintaining the core of the sound. In orchestra playing this is often not an issue, because the sound lies in a combination of sounds from so many string players, but in solo playing or even in playing orchestra excerpts for auditions the core is often still vital. (It is interesting that playing in the section and playing an orchestra audition are very different things--some good advice I have heard is that in the audition, one should sound like the section, still playing sensitively, but always clearly, whereas in the actual orchestra it may be the case that a fuzzy sound or one that's not even pleasant under the ear is necessary to contribute properly to the section sound.) I'm excited to be studying with Helen for a bit this summer because she is absolutely amazing at tone colors (check out her website at www.helencallus.com).

Hands down, the biggest comment I get is about my motions. I get mixed comments, with my peers mostly saying they help and are part of my charisma, and my teachers mostly saying that they're too much and get in the way of the sound. I definitely think I could learn to be more efficient, and I know that is something I will need a lot of help with.

Probably the biggest downside of today is that I used practicing as an excuse to procrastinate starting my Brahms 4 paper, so tomorrow will not be pleasant. I have a full schedule including a lesson and may not be able to start until the evening. It's due Thursday at noon, so thankfully after that time I can focus solely on recital preparation, no distractions hopefully.

On Saturday I have an appointment to have a few professional pictures taken with my instrument, as I'm kind of running out of good pictures to use (and also my senior pictures from high school featured blue streaks in my hair). I can't fake a picture smile to save my life, so I hope they turn out okay...

May 25, 2005 at 8:22 AM

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