Thank you.

October 23, 2005 at 4:24 PM

A bit overwhelmed for this entry! First, thanks so much to v.commies Eric and Marie who came out to hear my concert! I'm always amazed when people I've never met before make that effort and that leap of faith. Your support was much appreciated.

So, the concert--I was generally quite happy with how things went! In fact, perhaps more importantly, that was also the best I felt before setting foot onstage, which is probably telling. It was certainly an adventure to perform with just the one rehearsal that same afternoon, but we came through it all right and I felt that I had a lot of good moments. A few of my Chicago friends came out and we ate afterwards, and I was really excited to hear their point of view, because it seems that some of the things I have been realizing and struggling with all summer are gradually coming into place. I'd have to watch a video to know for sure, but I hear that my movements were not as excessive as they usually are, and that I was more grounded. This is great because "grounded" was exactly the one word I thought would be most crucial for me in this performance, as well as "calm," and in the cadenza, "time." It's almost paradoxical, because the violin's entrance after 90 bars of orchestral introduction is right in the middle of emotional turmoil and chaos. Yet I knew that for the first note I still had to feel a strong source of strength and center within myself to fully convey that through the sound. The other thing, apparently, is I'm now finding more intimacy in my sound, which is also great. I really think that has something to do with hearing the beautiful, refined sound of the Cleveland Orchestra every week, and with Mr. Preucil's gentle suggestions in my lessons of lightening up and letting the sound really float and ring. There's an intensity to my playing which is spot on in some passages and overbearing in others, and it's good that I can finally start allowing that burden to lift so that not absolutely everything I play is tinged with a tragic tone (although it's definitely appropriate for some works and composers). There have been times--in particular I remember my Strauss Sonata at Meadowmount 2004--where I gave a strong performance overall, but felt in some passages that I couldn't quite muster enough joy to be wholly, authentically in those triumphant moments. I am happy to report that that was not the case yesterday. I think the presence of friends may have had something to do with it. I love playing for anyone, but it meant a lot to me and made some things that happened special to know that there were people I've really personally connected with in the audience. I don't mean to say that to the exclusion of anyone, however. I think what I love most about music and the privilege of being a performing musician, if it can be put into words, is the chance to communicate, to speak honestly and directly to people through a strange, beautiful, abstract, but ultimately real and living art form. Hitting all the octaves is totally inconsequential compared to what you can say with those octaves, and I feel completely satisfied and compensated for my work when just one person is moved or affected. I suppose this sounds somewhat like a power trip, but it's a power trip of love! So it's all good.

I am now officially on fall break and hope to spend the next couple days visiting some old friends. I also have all new repertoire to learn for my recital (if you're planning way ahead, it's on Monday, February 20th, at 8 pm in Harkness Chapel on the Case campus in Cleveland). We also register for spring semester classes soon and I very much hope to fit German into my schedule this time around. There is something I recognize and that feels familiar to me about European orchestras--the sound, the unity, the beauty--and I would be intrigued by the chance to know them better.

My good friend thinks that some of my discontent comes from expecting life to be profound at all times, and not just resigning to and accepting the mundane. But perhaps it's the other way around, and life is profound at all times, and I just have to not lose sight of that.

Last, but not least: Go Sox!

Thank you.

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