What I expect from myself

January 3, 2010 at 1:40 AM

I have only been playing the violin for seven years, since this past September 11th. (I'll never forget the day I started EVER!) I have my first college audition on the sixteenth of this month, and yes, that's 14, count-'em, 14 days!

I've been working on my concerto, Mozart #3 since May 2009. I know that I have made lots of improvement from where it's been over the past eight months. I'd say that right now, I could play it in front of people and not be too ashamed (kidding!) When it's good, it's good, when it's decent it's decent, and when it's bad... well you get the idea. Even when it's good it can be inconsistent from take to take. In my auditions, I only have one shot to get it right, or as close to right as I can be. This first audition is at a conservatory within a university, and it's pretty prestigious.

I know one of the first things a teacher looks for beyond basic violinistic things is potential. A potential teacher said that she thinks I have a lot of it. I also know that a lot of my fellow auditionees (a.k.a competition, friendly of course) have been playing much longer than I have and are probably playing things along the lines of Mendelssohn, Bruch, etc, etc. I'm not so much concerned with what they're playing, as I believe I'm playing repertoire that shows where I am and where I need to go musically and technically. I know that I will not be the next Milstein or Hahn or Perlman, and I am totally OK with that.

But, I expect my audition to be 100% perfect. What's wrong with that, you may ask? Every time I mess up on a certain thing in practicing, I play it again to get it right, which disrupts my plan to play through my piece without stopping. Like I said, when it's good it's good, but I just can't seem to keep it good all the time, which has me a little worried.

It's weird because my situation demands that you just show who you are and what you can do to the best of your ability, but in my twisted head, I think that teachers will only accept students who don't mess up and are 1000% perfect and are the next big thing. It's so bizarre how I know what they want but I still think I'm not good enough to show them my potential. Even though I've been told that I have it!

I'm not sure where this disconnect has come from, anybody want to share their college audition experiences?

P.S.

I also seem to want to compare myself to the top soloists I've seen or heard play Mozart 3. I think to myself "why can't I play it like them?" Which, probably also does not help things, at all.

From Andrew Paa
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 2:01 AM

Hey, Michael. I'm exactly the same when it comes to auditions and that's exactly how I felt when I was approaching undergrad. It's really nerve-racking to think that you're not good enough and it's taken me 4 years to get over that feeling. Being confident in your preparation and trusting your preparation during the audition is a key component in giving a great audition. I know that until I learned to trust my preparation, I gave horrible performances because I didn't trust myself. I find that with trust, I can use my nerves constructively. Hope this helps and where are you auditioning?

From Michael Divino
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 2:27 AM

Thanks Andrew. I know what you mean by trusting yourself in your abilities and your preparation. I recently made Maryland All-State, which is a huge feat in itself in Maryland. I was extremely nervous because I knew everyone there would be so incredible but I also knew I had put hours and hours into that music and it paid off! So I think I'm in the phase of coming to trust what I can do and what I can't.

I'm auditioning at Shenandoah U first, University of MD College Park, Marshall University in WV and St. Mary's College of MD ( I don't really have to audition there, it's weird.)

From Anne-Marie Proulx
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 4:33 AM

Michael, I never auditioned but I can tell you that when I prepare for an amateur modest conservatory student gig or competition, i listen to ONLY PROFESSIONNAL SOLOISTS I LIKE and, sure, since the piece is suppose to be at my level and I worked on this piece as much as them (because they do many concertos of 20 pages + their scales and studies when I just play just one poor little mvt along with my modest scales and studies), I want to have it the closest possible. I don't see this as bad or snob. It will most likely not be the same : ) but much closer than if I don't do this game of trying to play as well!

Good luck!

Anne-Marie

From SAM MIHAILOFF
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 3:03 PM

It is no doubt difficult to fathom, but relax and just do your best. Stressing just fouls the whole experience. There is indeed much to be said for the "que sera sera" philosophy.

From Michael Divino
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 10:10 PM

Thanks guys. :)

From Anne-Marie Proulx
Posted on January 3, 2010 at 11:50 PM

Sam is right too! I just had a practice with a new pianist (she's amazing and wonderful player) and told me to stop to be as conscious since it interfeers with the music and keeps me away from "beautiful moments" as she called them... My "could I start again, I was not in tune" or " oups missed this entry" should be kept for after the piece is over since it's all breaking the music flow I was trying to create. I never realized that when we talked, it interfeared badly with the music language even if it's music related!!! It's like talking two different languages at the same time and it fools the brain. At one point, one has to learn to just allow the mind and soul to relax a bit. Perfectionnists are not to good at this since the hamster in our head is too active. It was much better when I was in this kind of "meditation/relaxation" mood. But perhaps it's good to be picky and everything prior to the event but all this has to be to allow the performer to reach this "performing" stage when needed later on and not the reverse! Funny how we always have to relearn how to perform each time!

Anne-Marie

From Michael Divino
Posted on January 7, 2010 at 2:09 AM

Everyone is right! It's weird. I stared at one spot in the floor while practicing tonight, and things just clicked! I mean all the notes weren't there, but I was happy with it!

From Michael Divino
Posted on January 7, 2010 at 2:09 AM

Everyone is right! It's weird. I stared at one spot in the floor while practicing tonight, and things just clicked! I mean all the notes weren't there, but I was happy with it!

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What I expect from myself

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