July 2006

Remembering my violin amidst the Ph.D. journey

July 8, 2006 00:30

I've missed practicing.

The Celtic fiddling tunes of Alexis MacIsaac's "Inspired" are wonderful to listen to and tempting to play. Next week my advisor goes on vacation for three weeks. How wonderful it will be to break out the Bach Partita in E again. Although I shudder at what my intonation will be after three weeks away from practice.

My fingers should be primed for playing, though.
Maybe I should start defining how long I've been a doctor-in-training by how many letters I've erased on my keyboard. "E" vanished in January. "A" and "T" followed in May. "N", "R" and "S" disappeared in June. Perhaps there are other v.com bloggers out there who can relate to what eventually will be a blank keyboard...

I miss being able to enjoy the holidays. My family is over a thousand miles away, but I was looking forward to feeling like I was part of the USA family by spending July 4 in Manhattan for the East River fireworks with so many other Americans. Apparently enjoyment of national holidays is another privilege denied to this doctor-in-training. What would be the first two words you would think of to describe your supervisor if you were called in to work on this national holiday? Especially if you were the only one who was asked to do it among the rest of your co-workers?

It's not the first holiday I've given up, certainly, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But holidays are a great (so-called legitimate, in the eyes of most Ph.D. advisor) excuse to get away from the confines of work. Ph.D. students generally don't get weekends off for five years, and finding time to recharge is important.

There are only a few holidays in the year, and when one feels like those have been taken away as well, it becomes easy to despair of ever finding a few hours of free time once more. The more invaluable you make yourself to a boss, the more that is expected of you just because you can get the job done quickly and competently. In academia, one can be blackmailed into working, literally, 24/7/365. The Ph.D. is never guaranteed. 1,500 - 2,000 days of work, with nothing to show.

The equivalent in the v.com world is a five- to seven-year audition. Each cut one passes is met with equal relief and dread, and the experience becomes only harder the deeper into the field one gets. Soon it becomes even too hard to quit because one has invested so much. What, then, can we rely on during those times when we reach the breaking point?

The realization that while there are some things in this world that are worth sacrificing one's life for, there are many others that are not. Fortunately, the quality of our character is never defined by the letters after (or before) our names, but rather what we set out to achieve, with what we have, in the circumstances we find ourselves in.

In two years I turn 27. Sometime in 2008, I should earn my Ph.D. I hope that during that time I will have done more than just earn a 4.0 GPA or survive twenty calculus classes. I hope to have made someone's day, someone's life, brighter, by just being there for them. I hope I've realized that on some days, the Ph.D. can wait, but friends in need cannot. Lastly, I hope never to forget the healing power of music.

It will be wonderful to find that practice time again. I've missed my violin.

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