July 24, 2005 at 11:23 AM

I guess I have to admit it; I am addicted, yes I am a junkie. I get not only nervous when I am around, my fingers start making funny movements. When I wake up my left hand is trembling, sometimes people look funny at me, I am not noticing that sound is coming from my mouth. I have gone clean for two weeks now, but I am begging people I barely met if they can give it to me.

Two weeks ago I had to go back to the hospital (not rehab, but neurology!), for a total of about 5 or 6 weeks. I did not bring my violin and CD player, or any other form of music. I needed a break. But, oh man, I am a real true addict. In my dreams I am practicing (does this have any effect on my actual playing?) and I wake noticing my left hand fingers are moving. But this is hopefully the last time I am in the clinic (I keep hoping...). The good news is, currently I am not taking any meds and when things are going well, I don't have to start the kind of meds that play around with my senses (I had some real vibrato problems,although according to some collegues were only in my head, they could not hear the difference!)

This is a good thing though. I am really experiencing what music means to me all anew. With everything I did, it had become kind of normal and I guess even a little bit of routine has slipped in. But now I am realizing again that being able to play Tchaikovsky is one of the biggest presents the universe has given me. I am even writing this with tears in my eyes. I still can not understand how it is possible to be so moved by music. There is enough information here about the brain and I have been reading about trials where they searched for the parts of the brain that are used for listening polyphonic music vs. a single melody, and so many other things (for some interesting articles go to www.pubmed.com and search for music and neurology / brain) I now have a good reachered reason why I flunked eartrainig at Juilliard. (I'll spare you the details, but maybe I will have to email them to my former teacher!)

Fait has determined that my best friend, who is a cellist, can not play for some time either. She was hiking in the mountains and a rock landed on her shoulder, which is broken now. So she has a rest too. But she takes it a lot better then I do. In that sense I am almost a true addict. I can not explain the feeling, but I am just not as balanced as normal. I have no outlet for my feelings and the result is that I am giggling all day... very irritating actually! Once again I am noticing that music is trivial to life. How often have I not asked myself if I should not become a doctor or something like that, something where I would be serving people more. But I am now noticing first hand how important art are for society. As humans we have all these emotions, God gave us a limbic system that is so complex neurologists can't phantom why we feel emotions, they might know how (with endorfines and all other kind of hormaons, neurons in connection with other parts of the brain etc. etc.), but the reason is not known. Emotions guide us, intuition and emotion are so close together. And everybody needs an outlet for their emotions. We need to do something with them. and my something is playing the violin, preferably Tchaik I think!

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on July 24, 2005 at 2:33 PM

Carla, I'm glad that you're getting the medical treatment that you need. It must be terrible to be without your violin and without a CD player. Can you bring those into the hospital with you now? I know a folksinger who had a liver transplant (his third) recently, and when he got to Intensive Care, he started singing.

I was a neuroscientist in a previous life. I remain fascinated by the relationship between mind and brain. We are physical, chemical, and biological creatures, and our bodies, including our brains, obey the laws of science. I believe that there is something transcends this. For some people it's religion; for me, it's music. When scientists can map out neuronal pathways in the brain, they will get a Yahoo-style map, but there is so much more -- the Mystery, the Transcendant, the Music.

I wish you well with your medical issues. I hope that your treatment is not too traumatic but very successful. Please keep writing to us.

Pauline

From Sheila Ganapathy
Posted on July 25, 2005 at 1:31 AM

I too wondered how I could be so moved by music. It's kindda creepy that it is possible, but it is factual that it moves you. Just check it out on my blog where I wrote about that. It moved me so much it brought me to tears.

Sheila

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July 24, 2005 at 11:23 AM

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