March 8, 2005 at 5:00 PM

Back from Estonia... During the concert I made an interesting observation about my playing. Sometimes it is truly acting. The last piece on the program was Carmen. I loved this piece as a child, mainly because it was filled with all kinds of violin stuff like left hand pizz, double stops, harmonics, I had no idea how to do, and I dreamed of sometime playing it myself. I have now had the piece in my repertoire for several years, playing it with piano and with orchestras, in all kind of different venues, from Cruiseships, to hospitals, to churches, to concert halls across the northern hemisphere, even the Concertgebouw in Amsterdam.
This time I got to play it in Tallinn. I did not feel like playing it, somehow I truly lost the joy of that particular piece and it had become just a bunch of noted, preferably fast, faster, fastest... But sometimes we just have to do stuff, even if we don't feel like it. In the end playing concerts is my profession and I am sure that other people don't feel like doing something at work once in a while also, and still show up.
So after Debussy, I went back stage, drank some water and went back on stage. And the act started... I walked on stage and acted Carmen. My walk a little bit flirty, throwing a smile into the audience. It was not conscious acting, it just happened. I tuned the violin, threw a smile to the pianist and there he went off playing the Spanish toreador opening, which awakend an enormous spirit in me. My concentration was good, I took the tempi just a little bit slower, so I had time to color more with bow and vibrato. I took more liberty in timing, using the tension of silence to capture the audience. And all of a sudden it was ok, I knew the audience was into it, the pianist was having fun and so was I (in between double stops)
Making music is an art and therefor requires authenticity. But it is impossible to live your art 24/7... Thank goodness, because if I would have to live the mood of Shostakovich or Mozart or Carmen all the time, I would go crazy. Music knows joy, but also depression, music can be happy, manic, manipulative, seductive, worshipping, holy... Therefor we can not always truly live what we preach, I can not live the moods I am playing all the time and therefor sometimes need to act.
And you know what, sometimes it is truly fun to act. I will never be Carmen, but in music, when I re-enact her, I can be a strong woman, seductive, aware of physical attraction towards men and even manipulating them. That's who Carmen is, that's the experience I would like to give the audience.

The hard thing is that audiences can not always see that what you do on stage is not who you are. In my playing I use experiences I have had, emotions I have felt, stories I have heard, images I have seen (f.i. there is a passage in Debussy, which reminds me very strongly of Middle Earth from Lord of the Rings)
Someitmes after a concert it might take a while for me to come back to reality, after playing Shostakovich violin concerto it is not easy to immediately put on a smile and greet the audience, it takes at least a couple minutes to shake off the intensity of emotions. But it is not who I am, the woman you see on stage might be Carmen, it is not who I am. I hate to take of the magic of a performance for the audiences that are reading this, but it is the truth.
I am always looking for the most authentic performance from the piece's point of view, not mine. And that sometimes means, it does not at all reflect who I am.
Too often people forget that. I see it, looking at Mr. Perlman all the time. I see people struggling with their identities because of that. What we do is not who we are, however in this incredible profession you can take with you who you are and use all of that in what you do...
And I love what I am doing! Honestly, what woman would not want to "be" Carmen for 10 minutes??? :-)

From alicelizard s.
Posted on March 10, 2005 at 12:58 AM

Hey Carla,

that was a really interesting point about "being" Carmen for 10 minutes....I always enjoy reading your blog!
--alice

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March 8, 2005 at 5:00 PM

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