February 28, 2005 at 4:35 PM

Life has been extremely busy.
I found myself a great place to life in New York, just around the corner of Columbia University. I have a bedroom and a livingroom and share the kitchen with a juweler, and an interior designer. Very nice and uncomplecated people. I am actually very happy at my new place.

The past weeks I really have been able to enjoy being at Juilliard and in New York. So many wonderful things have been going on at the school. It is truly amazing to be able to have a 20th century perfomance practice class with Joel Sachs, a Baroque performance class with Lionel Party, going to violin seminar - orchestral rep class with Joel Smirnoff and seminars about performance anxiety with Don Greene, the expert in the field. And then ofcourse my lessons with Mr. Weilerstein and Mr. Perlman...
Combine that with the possibility of seeing Figaro at the Met, which was absolutely amazing, taking a stroll in Central Park, completely "decorated" by Cristo and his wife Jean Claude and you will understand why I enjoy being in the city.

However right now I am in front of the computer at my parents house in the Netherlands. It is spring break and I am on my way to Estonia, where I will be playing a recital with works of Beethoven, Debussy and Sarasate. Also next week I will play my first full lenght solo recital with works of Bach, Ysaye, Yun, Paganini etc. for which I am somewhat nervous. It is like having all your weak points combined in an hour. Actually, one of the things I am learning in working with Don Greene is not to think like that. This is the kind of repertoire I need to work hard on, really hard. Not something that just comes along for me. Playing sonatas or even playing solo with orchestras feels completely natural for me in the world, however as a violinist it does not happen often that you are alone on stage, except maybe for cadenzas. But usually they don't last longer than 5 minutes and somehow I can oversee that. Ofcourse I have performed Bach Partitas in its entirety, but somehow it seems more daunting to play an entire recital. But I better get used to it, next season I am doing the complete Bach AND Ysayes in 2 evenings...

This is all ofcourse based upon fear... Fear is something we all know. For violinists it comes in the form of Beethoven, Paganini, Don Juan etc. or maybe playing for other students, auditions, jury, competitions etc. Why do some thrive upon this fear and others collapse?
A friend of mine told me her daughter described it as the following: there are people in her class (junior high) that fear tests, they black out and are not capable of answering anything. She described this as negative fear. And then there are students that are afraid they will get an F. So they learn and learn and learn, and they end up getting an A. However, the next time they are afraid again and spend all their time learning again till they go to the test and again get an A. This she described as positive fear.
I would like to add one more form to that: You are afraid of something, so you don't even try. That way you don't have to face the fear...
I think we can all recognize ourselves in these types, maybe one more than the other. It seems that the positive fear is the best one to have... we beat ourselves up untill we can do it. This is often how we excell as musicians. I know that before competition I will drive everybody around me crazy by telling them I have not done enough, I have not practiced, I can't do it, there will be 193 contestants and only 24 in the second round, so what am I thinking, etc That way I'll motivate myself to working hard, harder, hardest. In fact, just look back at my entries from Korea.

But does it work?
Well, it does make me work harder, but at what cost. Not only do friendships suffer a great deal ( as one friend of mine put it, he will not talk to me from 2 weeks before a competition on!!!), but the unconsciouss does not register this at all as a motivation tool. Instead it believes you and your unconsciousness will tell you, you can not play this. As a result, it might happen that this comes out under pressure and you end up not playing your best.
Many of my friends are in search for a job and auditioning for orchestras. They have to play these orchestral excerpts that they already have played a thousand times and still when the moment is there, somehow the audition panel turn into this hugh lion, ready to devour you. NEWSFLASH: it is not the panel that actually used their magic wand and turned into a lion; It is us, who are using our magic wand and turning ourselves into an ant! That's when our flight or fight system kicks in. Adreneline is already there, it is an exciting thing to be auditioning. But because we turned ourselves into an ant (and with that the panel into a lion) our body will choose the flight option and will makes us want to run away. Adreline is a good thing and when we start to realise how to use it, it can makes us fly through the music. Without adreneline you can not win the Olympics. Adrenaline gives you the capacity to play the way you imagine it in your head. You still might not win the audition with it, but you'll come off stage a lot happier!

I am at the point where I really need to get this into action. I need to stop beating myself up before competitions and concerts. Instead I need to breath when I feel this adrenaline, not fight it, but let my body be completely immersed in it and use it to nail that Fuge, play Paganini at top speed and keep the tension of silence in Ysaye. By the way, it is Ysaye 5 that I will be playing at the recital, the one that went horribly wrong in Korea. But I have a choice, I can keep that film of how bad it was alive (and worsen it) in my mind, or I can use the experience to see that even in a nightmare performance, a jury is not a monster, and can still actually advance somebody (you never know what they do and it turns out juries are also very human :) they have all been there too) I can choose to trust a little bit of the talent I was given comes out and I will be ok. An so will you!

From dovi rabinowitz
Posted on February 28, 2005 at 10:06 PM

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

From Ben Clapton
Posted on February 28, 2005 at 10:36 PM

Thank-you, Nelson Mandela, Inauguration speech, 1991 i believe.

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February 28, 2005 at 4:35 PM

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