I Can't Do This... I Just Can't!!!!

June 17, 2006 at 2:30 AM

I can't do this anymore. Tonight is the first night in a week when I was hoping to get some seious practicing. But no, I can't because I have to dust and wait for the vacuum to stop. It's been something every night this week. Monday, I wanted to finish reading a book, tuesday someone rear-ended me, wednessday I had insurance stuff to do, thursday I reported the accident to the police and my great aunt come over from 7 to 9:30, and now I just can't get my fingers to move and I can't concentrate. I work from 7:30am to 4 everday weekday and I'm also trying to work some hours at my first job, Hy-Vee, to get some extra money for Vienna. I'm just tired of this, I don't have time to get warmed up properly and then play. I have to just start practicing and it sucks because my figers aren't all set and ready to go. I'm just tired of it. The whole reason I'm working so much is so I can go to Vienna but it's ruining my violin practice, which is the whole reason I'm going to Vienna, I'm going with my Symphony Orch. I just can't stand this. I'm playing out of tune, and I just feel uncomfortable with my violin.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I just want to give up on violin. for the last few months I've felt nothign from music. I don't feel moved by the orchestral music that could make me weep. Music feels like it's become a chore rather than my release. My dedication is wanning. Today, I have contemplated applying to be a Personnel Specialist or a Unit Coordinator at the place where I work, just to see if i could get those jobs. I'm serious when I say I want to quit but yet I'm not. What I have I been working hard for all these years, if I quit now, they would have all been for nothing. I gave up friends and oppurtunites just to play violin and get as good as I could. I don't want to take a break either, I took too many of those over the last semester. I just want to stop playing violin, I just want to be done with it...but I love playing it...but it's a chore...

I'll probably never be good enough for the professional world anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. I've only played 3 freakin concertos in my life and not even whole ones, just movements. And my jury left something to be desired and my teacher wants to remain on 1 movement per semester. But if I want to actually do performance I need to master pieces not do one movement and then go to another one. Also, I get the feeling that she no longer thinks that I can do performance because of these suggestions and other things she has said, like me finding my correct placement for a carrer. She thinks I'd be good at doing music management but guess what, I have very little interest in that, aside from perhaps starting my own violin school or something like that. Or, she even suggested I could be a instrument museum curator. I think not, sure I love old instruments, but I want to play a Strad, not look at it through a payne of glass. I also really don't want to conduct. I just don't think I would like it.

Perhaps I'm not supposed to do music. But I don't know what else to do. I'm not good at anything really anymore. I'm bad at math but I love science and you can't do science without math. I love psychology, but there again, more math than I want to do. I like language but I don't want to do that either. I don't have an interest in computers all that much. I'm a good writer but I don't have an interest in english. I like politics but I don't want to get involved in that demoralized world. I used to want to be a doctor but I can't look at blood or the parts of a human body, that just sickens me. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I suck too much at violin to make a career out of it. I'm just not good enough. I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even express how I feel. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I don't understand why I would feel such a love for violin performance when I'm not even good at it. I could never compete with the conservatory trained people, even if I did have 5 or 6 hours of practice time a day. I don't know who I'm kidding.

From William Wolcott
Posted on June 17, 2006 at 2:50 AM

Andrew, I live in Omaha. If you ever come to town give me a call. My contact info is on my bio page.

I know how you feel. But, what you believe is what you will become. If you really believe that you never be good enough, then guess what? You'll never be good enough. But if you CHOOSE to believe in yourself, and you work hard, and you remain honest with yourself, then good things will happen.

I will say this, though. Someone that speaks with the passion of your entry must feel something when listening to the Beethoven Violin Concerto, right?

Maybe a career in violin isn't right for you. Is that such a bad thing? Does that mean that you should never play the violin? Or try to improve? Or shut music out of your life completely? I think not.

Go for a walk, read a book, but know that things will work out. You don't have to make a career out of the violin to play the violin.

Now, if you want a career as a violinist, then you must examine (with 100% honesty) where you are currently at, and where you want to be- playing wise, teacher wise, state wise, career wise, etc. If you're not where you want to be, don't panic. Just realize the situation for what it is and make a plan to get where you want to go. Don't become clouded with thoughts of, "I suck, etc." That is FEAR talking. I challenge you to not let fear take ahold of you.

If you don't want to be a violinist or in music at all, then don't worry. I realize you're at college for music. That's great. Nothing wrong with that at all for now. If you're not sure what you want to do, just keep your options open and let your subconscious think about it. Don't press the panic button. There's no law saying you must decide on your career TODAY. Just keep your eyes open, something will happen.

I wish you the best of luck. Again, if you are ever in Omaha, give me a call....

From Jenna Potts
Posted on June 18, 2006 at 3:47 AM

I'm so sorry you're feeling low...it is so hard to practice during times like this. Let me encourage you, though, to not quit when you're down. Wait a few months or however long it takes for you so you can decided when you have a "clear head." You'll be glad you did.

This entry has been archived and is no longer accepting comments.

I Can't Do This... I Just Can't!!!!

Subscribe

Laurie's Books