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May 27, 2006 at 5:11 AM

Well, I got my grades today and I must say they were the most disappointing things I have ever seen in my life. I only got one A and that was in freakin Paideia!! I somehow got a flippin B in Music theory and all I have to say is, wtf mate? I don't quite understand, I got an A or A- on ever single test, I got 3 A/A- on quizes (two B+'s), and basically got an A or A- on the majority of homework (maybe at most 2 B's on homework), I didn't do great on the keyboard crap and that's what ruined my grade (believe me, it wasn't the final, at least I don't think it was), I got like C's and D's on them because A) I don't like piano and didn't practice as much as I could have (B) They don't help me understand theory and (C) on the lowest one I didn't have access to a piano over easter break because I was at home. I managed to get a B+ in Spanish, which makes me happy and mad because I got a higher grade in that than in Theory. Class Piano C+ (like I really care), and Ear Training is my lowest grade, I got a D- because I honestly stopped caring. The final grade which also upsets me is my grade in Violin Lessons which is a B+, not bad but yeah...no good for someone wanting to do performance. I'm half tempted to just quit music. I'm tired of it, sort of. I still love playing and listening.

Will I honestly make it one violin? Probably not, I suck, I really do. I'll never be as good as I want to be, as good as I should be considering I want it to be the rest of my life. Can I honestly expect to get a job? No, because I won't be good enough either for teaching or playing professionally. You have to audition for every position, I could be an excelllent teacher and not get the job because I wouldn't put on a good enough recital every year. I'm not evening being pessimistic here, I'm being realistic. I'm just not good enough at music, end of story. I started violin late, I started lessons late, I started caring late, I did just about everything wrong on the path to be an excellent violinist. I could of course be a mediocre violinist, there are many of those, and most of those end up working at McDonalds for the rest of their lives. Do I honestly want my life to have a mediocre existance? Actually, I don't think I have a lot of choice in the matter, I'm just a mediocre person, I guess I come a dime a dozen. I'm a 2nd violinist, I let my nerves get the best of me, I can't play with piano and I can't play piano, I'm bad with people, I'm bad a being alone, I never made it into All-State Orchestra, I give up too easily (Concertmaster Audition), I'm obviously not as good academically as I thought I was, I'm somewhat arrogant (I have no reason to be, I'm not good at anything, obviously!!), and finally, I want to do things that I'm bad at. In conclusion, what the heck am I doing!!!

I am serious about what I'm about to say: If I'm not at Luther after this summer it could be for three reasons 1) I decided to stay permanently on as a staff member at the Pennitentury (they tend to draw you in I've heard, my dad was going to work their for 6 months, it's now been over 26 years and he's a corporal working for Special Security) or 2) I was convicted of a Class 6 felony because I was conned by an inmate into bringing contraband (tabacoo, drugs, hacksaw blades, weapons, alcohol etc.) into the prison and I will be serving my sentence there or 3) I decided it's not worth going there if I decide that I suck at violin too much to continue in music.

Night

WOW... Andrew, you need to chill out and take things one at a time! Remember, everything you do in life is a matter of the right attitude.
Andrew,

If you love it, don't give it up! What's wrong with being a 2nd? If music was all melody (1sts) it would be boring. I personally prefer playing 2nd because I love harmony (and I can count). *Not that 1sts can't count, it's just really important for 2nds (I don't want to offend anyone!)*

Most importantly, don't let the frustration of your grades now make you make a rash decision you will regret later. Take some time to make a big decision like this.

Finally, if you do decide to change your major, find ways you can still play. Community orchestras can be loads of fun and are filled with teachers, doctors, burger-flippers, construction workers, accountants, and all sorts of others that love making music, but not for a living.

Chin up...and then back down on your violin ;) !!!

Mellisa

I second Melissa totally!
Whatever, take your time to think things over, its not a decision to be made in a hurry and in the wake of the backwash from the grades.
If playing the violin and making music are what you love; if they are your true passion, then it would be a huge mistake to give that up because of self-doubt.

While being self-critical can be extremely useful in teh practice room (which it seems like you can be, which is a GOOD thing) it can kill you outside of it. It's so easy to think of "what if" scenarios... believe me, I used to do it all the time ("What if I had started earlier?" "What if I had gotten a teacher before high school?" "What if I had just practiced really really hard beforehand?").

As nontheistic as I try to be, I truely think that everything does happen for a reason, and that this is just a test for you right now. You can either allow the self-doubt to destroy your passion and hard work towards something you truely love, or you can push past it and do your absolute best from now on. The choice is yours. The main question is: How much do you love it?

Well, that blog entry kind of shows how you managed to get an A in paidia (or however you spell it), seriously mate, calm down. Even the best people have problems getting professional gigs and it sounds like (your blog is one of the ones I read regularly) that you work a little too hard, it's okay to slob around a bit, you know, in fact it might do you some good. Don't take contraband into prison if you can help it. Stand back a little bit. One night, when the music building closes, go and get pissed. Just go and have a few drinks and don't think about music too much. Bring your friends to bitch with. Bitch about music whilst drinking, it's the best thing ever I assure you. Drink, bitch and talk music with fellow musos. the collective knowledge in the group also rubs off and it's kinda like studying.
Jonathan,

I could not agree more!!

Honestly, man, if my orchestra director at my high school could find a job, then you can, too.
Thanks everyone!! I feel somewhat better now.