Christine Goodner: Helping Parents Reduce Conflict Over Practice

May 13, 2024, 2:01 PM · Getting a young student to practice is challenging, for sure. In fact, sometimes practice turns into battleground between parent and child. And that's not fun for anyone!

But it does not have to be that way - and it's even possible to turn things around, if practice has become fraught with conflict. This was the message offered by Oregon-based violin, viola and Early Education teacher Christine Goodner in a workshop called "From Opponents to Teammates: Helping Parents and Caregivers Reduce Conflict in the Practice Room" last spring at the ASTA/SAA Conference in Louisville, Ky.

Christine Goodner and Laurie Niles.

"The goal is effective and productive practice - and to keep the caregiver-child relationship intact," Goodner said.

The issue can be particularly acute for parents involved in Suzuki lessons, where the model is the "Suzuki Triangle." (...and in fact, Goodner has an entire blog and podcast called The Suzuki Triangle - she has lived every side of it, as student, teacher and parent!)

In "Suzuki Triangle" scenario, outlined by the 20th century Japanese violin pedagogue Shinichi Suzuki in his seminal book Nurtured by Love, the student, teacher and parent comprise the "team." They work together in equal relation, with the teacher as expert guide, and the parent helping the student at home. In the case of very young students, the parent serves as a daily practice partner - a considerable commitment.

Goodner acknowledged that over the last half century, "that model has changed," and it is important to recognize what is really going on at home. For example, in Suzuki's idealized picture, the same parent attends the lessons, then practices with the child at home, replicating what happens in the lesson. But this whole scenario can be impossible in today's world, and the expectations can be easily misunderstood.

More often today, both parents are working. There might be another caregiver bringing children to lessons, and different parents may be practicing with the child on different days, depending on their schedules. And "replicating the lesson" - that is not truly the expectation.

Whatever the family model is, it's important to have a "teamwork" mindset: "You and your child are on the same team, working to accomplish a goal for the next week's lesson," Goodner said.

And both teachers and caregivers should know: they are not trying to literally "replicate the lesson" at home; instead, the aim is to re-create the tasks of the lesson at home. This can look completely different from what happened at the lesson. In fact, a teacher can help the situation by explicitly giving the parent or caregiver permission to do it their own way.

Teachers should not be afraid to hear about the challenges, and parents should not be afraid to tell the teacher about the challenges (just don't do it right in front of the child!)

Here are some of the problems that can come up: When it comes to the child, the child stall, melt down, rush through things, or refuse to participate. When it comes to the parent, the parent might feel low on energy, may not be able to finish all the tasks, may be short on time. Also, if a parent is not a musician, they might feel intimidated by some of the expectations.

Sometimes the trouble lies in a parent feeling the pressure of unrealistic expectations - a whole list of "shoulds," such as:

Practice should look more like the lesson
This should be easier
My child should be making more progress

"There are no 'shoulds,'" Goodner said, "just a continuation of a student learning and their own pace."

The first step, in helping a parent to improve the practicing environment, is to find somewhere to start, just one strategy to begin to help with the problems that a parent is reporting.

Different situations will require different strategies, but here are a few ideas Goodner offered: Think about how a practice sessions starts and ends. Seek to start with something easy, and to end with something pleasant. In between, the parent should know that they do not have to correct everything. They are there to be a cheerleader, to encourage the student, and to keep them to some specific tasks for that week. But making sure everything is perfect all the time? This is not expected. Learning is messy, and everything does not come together all at once. It will happen in steps and phases. Almost everything is a skill that can be practiced and learned, so acknowledge those small and specific things that are going right, and celebrate the incremental progress. If something seems to be going wrong, it's okay to hold back on trying to "fix" it. Write it down, talk to the teacher about it and come up with new strategies.

Parents will need motivation of their own, strategies, perspective on their child's style of learning, vision, and ongoing support. What can a teacher do, to help a parent?

They can use clear and direct language, and help the parent with how to give clear instructions at home.
They can give cooperative assignments that the parent and child can do together, making the parent role clear and having them try this together during the lesson, so it is clear when they try it at home.
They can give parents a feedback strategy - what do you say to your child? Keep it positive. If they are doing something correctly, acknowledge it very specifically. Look for specific, correct things to acknowledge, even as simple as "you stood in the same place the whole time." Go for the "next right thing." If something is wrong that isn't related to the specific task at hand, hold back and stick to today's task.

It's important to keep perspective. It might be necessary to adjust expectations and let go of things. Ask yourself: "Ten or 15 years from now, what do you want your child to have gotten from this experience?"

Teachers can also be clear about how parents can reach them - whether it's by e-mail, text, phone, or a combination - and to be open to hearing about challenges. "If none of us blames ourselves, then we can make more progress," Goodner said. Keeping the lines of communication open is vital, and "the validation in being heard" can be helpful all around.

If a parent brings up a challenge that a teacher doesn't immediately know how to address, it's all right for the teacher to say, "let me look for some research and get back to you." When both parties are looking for solutions, the answers will come.

Find Christine Goodner's blog and podcast at SuzukiTriangle.com.

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