viola jokes
starting a viola joke thread here's the first one:
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer
Replies (99)
This is a mean one: ... : )
What do you call a Viola section in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.
Some original ones from a forum thread on 'intervals' -
minor second - viola section tuning up
major seventh - violist checking C string with cellist in SQ
augmented seventh - adding a dead violist at the back to make up the numbers
diminished octave - well, have you ever heard a violist play octaves in tune?
PLENTY of them here:
http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/viola.html
One of my favorite "viola jokes," however, was in real life. We were rehearsing something-or-other, and the conductor said, as conductors so often do, "Let me just hear the violas right there." So they played, and somebody was totally playing wrong notes. So he had them play it again and it sounded no better. The conductor got this "oh-dear-what's-a-tactful-way-to-say-this" expression on his face, but he was saved the effort when suddenly the ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL violist gasped and said "oh! Wrong string! Whoops!"
As soon as the conductor got over the sheer enormity of what had just happened, he had the section play again and everything sounded just fine.
I am not making this up.
Nevermind the fact I've recently taken to playing the viola.
q. How are a violist's fingers like lightning?
a. They never strike twice in the same place.
I hate to say it Kimberly, but I thought that was a violin joke.
I think Kate's was hilarious. The meaner the funnier.
But Charlie, it has such a nice ring to it when replaced with viola.
;)
True story:
I tried to buy a sonata book at a used bookstore, but the violin score was missing. I thought I would bring this to the attention of the sales clerk, so I showed her the piano score and mentioned that the violin part was gone. "No," she said, "See, the violin part is right there, above the piano part."
"No, that's the score, so that the pianist can follow along. The violin has its own part, with fingerings and bowings..."
"No, look right here, that's the violin part, trust me."
"I know that the violin's part is written above the piano's music, but there's also a different part, a separate book..."
We went back and forth like this for some time before I finally asked her, "Do you play a musical instrument?"
(yeah, you know the rest of the story.)
I love it Emily! That was hilarious!
you come to a fork in the road and don't know which way to go. you see the easter bunny, a good violist, and a bad violist. who do you ask for directions?
the bad violist. the other two are figments of your imagination.
Q) If there is a violist and a conductor standing in the middle of the road, who do you run over first?
A) The conductor. Business before pleasure.
that was great zak.
This guy is on a safari. As they bed down for the night he hears rumbling and pounding noises not too far away. He anxiously asks the guide, "what's that?" The guide says, "don't worry, those are just jungle drums. If they keep playing everything is fine; however,if they stop, it is very bad." The guy says, "what happens if they stop?" The guide says, "oh, a viola solo."
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Oooh I have a bunch. No offense intended!
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.
When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.
A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
clef: something to jump from before the viola solo
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
I know this isn't really a viola joke, but I like it!
A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.
i think these are mainly from this site:
http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/viola.html
How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's
Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
Orchestra Personnel Standards
conductor
-Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
-Is more powerful than a locomotive.
-Is faster than a speeding bullet.
-Walks on water.
-settles all arguments, words are final
concertmaster
-Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
-Is more powerful than a switch engine.
-Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
-Walks on water if sea is calm.
-reports arguments to conductor
violist
-Runs into buildings.
-Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
-Is not issued any ammunition, wets self with water pistol
-Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
-Talks to walls, argues with self,loses
Ive had it with viola player bashing. Lets be nice. In fact, screw you guys, im off to www.violasolo.com.
John, you may want to visit viola.com, first. Their insightful home page is enlightening violists everywhere as to the proper tuning for their strings.
Ok, Ive had enough fun there now. Im BACK!
Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
HEHE
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.
OK, heres another
In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?"
The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask."
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter.
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply.
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said.
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!"
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree.
"OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below.
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us."
"I don't understand," said his friend.
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face.
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"
A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a violist".
"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"
curtesy of http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola2.html
YAAA HAAA Viola.com kicks ass!! HEHE
Im gonna get me a viola t-shirt, im gonna be the coolest kid on the block. Oh crap they are sold out!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAAAAAAA
I love that peculiar quote and the clause, "with appropriate loudness/softness." Ohhh, loud and soft? No wonder Bach was so brilliant.
Did you notice all two of the viola pioneers?
Nah, I was too busy clicking the 'clear history' button - I dont want to be embarrased by the websites ive visited...
Watch out, you may have contracted a virus after visiting those shady sites. You'll know it if you get obnoxious pop-ups of crude and nasty violas.
Emily, I know what you mean! I started getting "Enlarge your violin now!" spam emails after visiting some of those sites...
Wow. That's a good one.
Haha
LMAO!! thats funny larry
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!
A violist went to the store to get some items and absentmindedly left his valuable (supposedly :)) viola in the car with the door unlocked. When he went back to his car it was full of violas !
Here's two of my favorites...
What do you do when a violist comes to your door?
Pay him for the pizza.
Why do violists keep their cases on the dashboard of their cars?
So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Mmm, Michael, that second joke is a classic.
An oldie but a goodie:
What does a violist use for birth control?
Her (or his) personality.
How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. They haven't figured that out yet.
2. Three: One to look up which direction to turn it, one to turn it, and the third to write up the union contract.
3. None -- violists are always in the dark.
4. One -- It's easy (as long as it has nothing to do with music).
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
:)
why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It's usually still in it's case.
Why are there so few viola jokes, and everybody is always repeating the same ones?
Because violinists can't think up any more.
I posted some jokes on the below thread that are too long to repeat.
How do you prevent a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
With the viola the dead person is outside the wooden box!
What is the difference between a dead chicken in the road and a dead violist? The dead chicken has skid marks in front of it.
Samuel, I think that joke would make more sense if you said "in a coffin the dead person is inside the wooden box"..... :)
How many violinists does it take to tell viola jokes?
100
How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they cant get up that high
BOOM BOOM
Doctor, doctor, I think im turning into a viola - Oh, stop grumbling
How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
Violist: "What's a light blub?"
Violinist: "What's a violist?"
I am reviving this post too. :)
Someone's got a witty signature on their forum profile:
Confucius say, every journey begins with a single step.
Andrew say, every viola solo begins with a single wrong note.
I love that!
what is the difference between first seat and last in the viola section?
.
.
.
.
.
.
about a semitone and a tempo
:o)
What do they call violists who practice the rhythm method?.......
Parents.
In the viola part of the last movement of K.498, why did Mozart write the same chord four times?
So violists would get it right on the fifth.
Q. How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they're used to being kept in the dark.
Just outside the stage entrance of a major orchestra I saw a dumpster that had a sign painted on it: "Viola Dump."
Ray, enlighten me...I don't get it
Sam ... there's a waste management company called Viola. They have their name plastered on dumpsters all over the place. At least they do in Chicago. Hence ... the joke.
as Ralph Kramden would say..."Har har, hardee har har"!
There was once this ad in a newspaper:
"Internationally active string quartet is recruiting two violinists and one cellist"
Since you resurrected this thread, I might as well add my personal favorite:
Q: Why is a viola bigger than a violin?
A: Because it's easier to use as a shield when the audience hurls tomatoes.
;)
Haha! Gene!
My all-time favorite: What separates the violists from the great apes? The seconds.
Unless they sit on the immediate right of the conductor, so then it might often be the cellos ...
My favourite.
How do you get a violist to play tremolando?
Mark it pp solo.
When do you know that you've found a violinist who would be better suited to being a violist?
They actually think viola jokes are funny.
My personal favorites... a little inappropriate but very funny:
What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
The prostitute knows more than two positions
OR
The prostitute has a better sense of rhythm
Why do violists get antsy when reading "The Kama Sutra"?
All those positions!
A violist was crying during an orchestra rehearsal and screaming at the oboist sitting next to him. The conductor asked what the problem was.
The violist wailed, "He just reached over and loosened one of my pegs, and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor replied, "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
Said the violist, "I'm not overreacting... the problem is that he won't tell me which one!"
My dad has also just recently discovered the viola joke (despite the fact that I've been playing it for two years). Most of his jokes involve people stealing my case from the car, only to put it back when they realize that it's a viola...
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key and they don’t know when to come in.
Listening to a violist playing a viola.
How many viola jokes can be scraped out of the bottom of a barrel?
How many viola jokes can be scraped out of the bottom of a barrel?
Just one more...
Top marks, John.
I am laughing so hard right now!! These made my day :)
Why is a viola solo like peeing in your pants?
Both are quiet and very embarrassing!
Cheers Carlo
What do you call someone who likes to hang around with musicians?
A violist!
Adrian - a response:
"what do you call someone who likes to hang out with non-musicians?"
A violist.
[disclaimer to my violist friends - I really don't believe any of this and plese do substitute 'violinist']
Here's one I think I just made up:
Whats the difference between a violinist and a violist?
There's nothing in the latter.
.... kaboom...
I get a phone call yesterday morning from a dear international client who owns one of my violas they commissioned recently.
"HOW DO I GET THE SPIDER OUT OF THE VIOLA!?", "Wha.. What! Are you kidding me? There is a spider inside?"
"YES HOW DO I KILL IT OR GET IT OUT?"
I kid you not my response. "Play Harder??"
Sorry Kids. I dont have any luthier tricks for getting spiders out of instruments. But it made for the best phone call of my life.
A couple of classics:
How are violists' finders similar to lightning?
Neither strike twice in the same place.
OK, a long one:
A section violist, on the way home from a community orchestra rehearsal, noticed a glint in the gutter. He pulled over to see what it was, and found a genie's lamp. Upon arriving home with the lamp, he rubbed it and out popped a genie.
"You have 3 wishes" stated the genie. What would you like? Riches? Fame? Women?"
The violist replied: "I'd like to be a better violist"
Poof! And the genie disappeared into the lamp.
At the next community orchestra, the violist found himself 2nd chair and was pretty excited. After the rehearsal that night, he sped home and rubbed the genie lamp again. Out popped the genie.
"You have 2 wishes left" stated the genie. What would you like? Riches? Fame? Women?"
"I'd like to be a better violist"
At the next rehearsal, he found himself principal viola. This was incredibly exciting! Again, he sped home after rehearsal to rub the lamp.
"You have 1 remaining wish" stated the genie. What would you like? Riches? Fame? Women?"
"I'd like to be a better violist"
At the next rehearsal, he found himself last chair second violin.
how many violists does it take to eat a possum?
answer: two - one to eat it and one to watch for cars.
Why don't viola players get piles?
Because all the a***holes are in the violin section!
What do they do when a violist dies?
Move him/her back a row.
An armed masked man went into a bank and said "don't touch the alarm, just hand over the money".
The bank teller said "my daughter's learning viola, can you give any advice about how to get her into college?".
The bank robber, surprised, asked "how did you know I was a viola player?".
"Because you've sawn off the wrong end of the shot gun" replied the teller.
Q: What separates the violists from the animals?
A: The second violins.
Why are viola jokes short?
- For violinists can understand
=D
What is the difference between a lawnmower and a viola?
- If absolutely necessary, you can use the mower in a string quartet.
Why many people acquire instant dislike to the viola?
- Save time.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone enters a bank with a violin case under his arm?
- People think he carries a gun and can use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone enters a bank with a case of Viola under her arm?
- People think he carries a Viola and can use it.
@Andre
Oh come on! I wanted to post the last two!!!
Uh-hem...
How's a violin like a vampire?
1) They sleep in cases
How's a violin like a vampire?
2) They leave marks on your neck
How's a violin like a vampire?
3) They melt in direct sunlight.....
I play violin but... meh!
(Bump)
My all time favorite is:
Why is the viola called bratsche in German?
Because that's the noise it makes when you sit on it (or step on it).
My middle school students in 2008 found it especially funny since one of them had broken an instrument the previous year by sitting on it by accident.
@Jessie that's one thing I don't want to happen on me...
Here's a great viola joke I heard from a violist.
Sgfne ntek swe sd-0 asdmo sdnfljik
nk;lm cvd oeqwio l
njckds lknf ..asd ioewhu; hfo['a jdfpo/.
jnkldf werlkfn vspo?
SW,.lkjndfkl;dsn!!!!!
(It sounded better when he told it, even if it is in all the wrong keys....)
This on FB this morning (for real):
A question from the 'Are you smarter than a 5th Grader' game on my iPad:
Which of the following instruments is a member of the percussion family?
a) bassoon
b) guitar
c) xylophone
d) viola
4/7 people answered 'viola'....
Ed's wants son to learn the viola so Ed pays for him to take lessons. The first day he comes home and Ed asks him "How did it go". "Just great" replies son, "we learned how to play four notes on the fourth string". Great says dear dad.
The next week he has his second lesson and Ed asks him "How did it go". "Terrific" replies son, "we learned how to play four notes on the third string". Excellent says dear dad.
The next week he has his third lesson and Ed asks him "How was it". "Wonderful" replies the son, "we learned how to play four notes on the second string". "Good progress", says dad.
The following week son has his fourth lesson and Ed asks him "what did you learn"? "Oh nothing," replies son, "I didn't go to the lesson, I had a gig in a quartet"....
One day, at rehearsal, the conductor had a massive heart attack. It was announced that he would miss the rest of the season. The management decided to use an orchestra member to save money, and decided on the last chair violist, as he was the most dispensable.
To everyone's surprise, the violist performed remarkably. Critics gave him rave reviews, attendance swelled with each performance as word spread, and the orchestra was astounded at what talent had been hidden at the back of the orchestra.
Alas, the last chair violist finished the season and the conductor recovered over the summer. At the first rehearsal of the new season, the modest violist returned to last chair, happy to help out, but glad to be where he belonged. When his stand partner saw him, the first thing he said was, 'Where the heck have you been? You missed half the concerts last season!'
There was this family of string players who fell on hard times. The four siblings were all female, two violins a cello and a viola.
So the father said to them that their string quartet busking had brought in very little moeny, so unfortunately they would have to go down to the red light distict, Soho, and earn money as women from the oldest profession have done for centuries.
This they do, and having all arived back home, the father asked how much they had made. Both fiddlers had made £60 each with 3 clients. The cellist £30 from two.
The father asked the viola player - and she said she had made £10.10 pence. Good said the father, but who gave you the ten pence?
They all did, she replied ...
having recently acquired a chin-cello - and loving it - i feel compelled to say "nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah ..."
viola players get down - they have longer reach ... they don't fiddle around.
"they have a longer reach."
And they have reached the end of the road. But if a conductor is lying also at the end of the road, then one must run over the conductor. Business before pleasure ...
I took my viola to a bluegrass jam the other night. Bluegrassers are a pretty conservative bunch, but I think they were too stunned to lynch me. They asked me to imitate a train whistle, but I gave them a ferryboat horn instead.
New viola joke, I hope, definition of minimalism: a musical style in which everyone plays a viola part.
What do you call the cadenza in a viola concerto?
Intermission.
minimalism: a musical style in which everyone plays a viola part.
serialism: a viola section playing a major scale in unison.
I have to confess that I am myself the ultimate in viola jokes.
Symphony Orchestra viola sections are stuffed with failed violinists.
I was a viola player FORCED by circumstances to change to violin to earn a living in various orchestras.
My standard of my fiddle playing was probably a joke to some colleagues, but ha ha, I survived and drew a pension.
Fight back, viola players!
I guess we should have been worried by a violist spy in the violin section, David. But OTOH....
:)))
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December 28, 2005 at 08:15 AM · what is this the 100th time