I'm so INSULTED!!!
Replies (100)
Why do violinists put a rag under their chins?
No spit valves.
Badum bum
Why is painting fences the best job for a retired violinist?
Because all that's going through their brains is detache.
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to whisper about how much better they could have done it.
[Adapted from a bass-player joke]
A cop was walking down the street, and in front of a theater he came across a strange scene. A tuxedo-clad man was repeatedly kicking another man who was down on the sidewalk.
"'Ere 'ere, wot's all this?" the cop said, or words to that effect.
Tux: Well, see, officer, I'm a violinist.
Cop: So???
Tux: It's like this-- during a break, he came down from the audience and detuned one of my strings!!!
Cop: That's all very well, but I don't see why that entitles you to be kicking this poor gentleman.
Tux, Well, you see officer, he won't tell me which string!
You've probaly heard this one before
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer
Heres a viola one,
The latest crime trend sweeping the nation, drive-by viola recitals! AHH!
LOL My fav. viola joke
Hey, don't let the thread degenerate into viola jokes. It's not nice to get into a battle of wits with unarmed people.
So here's another one...
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not. It's an optical illusion because the violinists' heads are so much bigger.
that was posted already, man
how do you tell if the violinist is playing out of tune?
the bow is moving
what do a violinist's fingers and lightening have in common?
they never hit the same spot twice
These are great! Keep it up!!! Here's another one...
How can you make two violinists play in unison?
Shoot one of them.
and How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Also adopted from a violin joke, what's the difference between a pizza and a violinist?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
HAHA
What do you get if you cross a viola player with a drummer?
Seriously stupid kids
Lol I just made that up, and managed to offend millions of people in one foul swoop. Hee!
What is the definition of a semi_tone?
answ. Two violists playing in unisson.
(1)What is the definition of microtonality?
--- a sectional non vibrato
(2)Q. why do violists never suffer from pyles?
A Because all the asses are in the vl sections.
Okay, why don't viola players like the Kama Sutra?
Too many positions!
Hah!
Here is a famous one:
Why is the German word for viola 'Bratsche'?
That's the noice it makes when you go sitting upon it!
Ugh . . . ok here goes . . .
Q: Why did the blonde violinist quit the symphony?
A: Because she got insulted when the conductor said she was too loud and should try playing piano instead.
This one's not a violin joke, but as far as cheesy music jokes go, it's my fav (better read out loud):
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
{pause}
Badum, tshhhh!
http://www.violinists.com/out_frame.php?PHPSESSID=434eb6c4de32296a02eb04bb132de671&ID=135
well, i've got a joke...
What's the difference between a 14 inch pizza and a musician?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
hey there!
here are a couple viola jokes:
Q: What's wrong with driving off a cliff with 5 violists in a minivan?
A: You could fit more.
Q: Why are violists like prostitutes?
A: They both fake the climax!
HAHA!
Beth
Haha thats funny. What did the viola player say at the pearly gates?
....
"Sob...Would you let me in if it were a cello"
Viola playing cop pulls over a viola player. Viola player hands viola playing cop a compact. Viola playing cop looks in the mirror and says "Why didn't you say you were a viola playing cop?" Something like that.
Either thats not funny, or I dont get it. Or both
It's the product of a sick mind.
Here is another version of what Michael wrote above:
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change a light bulb and nine to rotate his chair he stands on.
Yet another version of the lightbulb joke...
How many SECOND violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't really matter... they can't get that high anyway.
HA :-P
Alex
hehe thats good. I used to play in an orchestra and the viola player who sat next to me couldnt do harmonics so I played them for her, peering over at the music. In the performance the conductor pointed up while looking at me, indicating me to repeat what I did in rehearsal, hehe.
A violinist goes to preschool one day. When he comes back, he says to his mother, "Mommy, guess what! We did the alphabet today! I read farther than anyone else"
His mom said, "That's good honey! That's because you play the violin."
The next day he goes back to school. Again, when he comes home he says, "Mommy, guess what! We did counting today and I could count farther than anyone else." Once again his mother says, "Well done, honey. That's because you play the violin."
The next day brought the same routine. The violinist comes home and says, "Mommy, guess what! We measured our height today and I was much taller than anyone else! Is that because I play the violin?"
"No" his mother replies, "It's because you're 25!"
One day a conductor falls ill and the orchestra manager is in a pinch to find a replacement for the concert that night.
Meekly, the last chair second violin raises his hand and says, "Uh, I studied conducting..." so he goes on that night and conducts a great concert.
The next morning, in rehearsal, his stand partner asks him, "Where were you last night?"
actually this a not a joke but very funny...
Mischa Elman was having a rehearsal with his pianist when he stopped playing and said:
Joseph, you're not playing in time!!
but maestro... i AM playing in time
Let's start again (so they did it again)
Joseph, you're NOT PLAYING IN TIME!!
but maestro....I AM PLAYING IN TIME!
Elman: Maybe you're playing in time, but not in MY TIME!
That is the best joke I have ever heard, Stephen!!! I literally rolled out of my chair.
Here's one I didn't see yet:
What does a violinist use for birth control?
Her personality!
Laurie
OUCH, Laurie! :)
Click for all the violin jokes Google could find
I couldn't resist posting this one directly though:
Q: What do you call a gathering of one pretty good violinist, one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates all violinists?
A: A string quartet.
Neil
That link is great! I love reading these! Sometime, I'll have to sit down and actually come up with some.
From a newspaper:
Established quartet seeking 2 violins and a cello.
Stephen
[quote]hehe thats good. I used to play in an orchestra and the viola player who sat next to me couldnt do harmonics so I played them for her, peering over at the music. In the performance the conductor pointed up while looking at me, indicating me to repeat what I did in rehearsal, hehe.[/quote]John - that wouldn't happen to be in the Sorcerer's Apprentice, would it?
Perhaps you could help this poor dumb cretinous viola player out as well. He seems to have missed out 2 octaves from the start of the Waxman Fantasy - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B00000DMHB002006/0/002-9136566-7731244 - doh !!
Mind you, seeing as you're a 2nd violinist, see above joke, you probably couldn't play it on violin anyway, let alone viola! (Only joking - I'm sure you can ;-)
who WAS that?
that's some fine viola playing!
It's Michael Kugel - there's some good clips here - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00000DMHB/002-9136566-7731244?v=glance&s=classical&n=507846&vi=samples#disc_1
I agree, it's exquisite playing and I don't mean to demean him. I haven't heard the rest but it does seem a bit unadventurous - after all Eric Shumsky (Oscar's son) has recorded all the Casimir Ney caprices - equivalent of Paganini on viola - so it can be done.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline
and...How do you prevent your violin from being stolen?
Put your violin in a viola case
How do you shut-up a violinist?
Put some music in front of him.
How do you shut up a violist?
Take away the cardboard cut-out he's been talking to.
Haha these are excellent. Cheeky Jim, I play first vl now, not that theres anything wrong with being a second! I can get up that high but I get nose bleeds...
How do you shut-up a violinist?
You don't.
(sorry, I hit the button again by accident. That's why I play the violin.)
What do you do with a violinist who has great rhythm, but....
Can't vibrato, still hasn't learnt past 3rd position, can't play louder than mezzo forte,
has no clue how to do bouncing bow strokes, and struggles to play in tune?
Teach them to be a professional Baroque violinist!!
Ok, apologies in advanced to all Baroque players reading this!! We all love you!
Joke inspired by a concert I went to tonight. And I enjoy listening to Baroque ensembles very much! When done well it's very enjoyable...
A violinist and a friend were sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee and watching the news on the little TV in the corner. As they watched, the news anchor came on and said, "15 Brazilian soldiers were killed today..." The violinist looks at his friend and says, "Oh, that's so sad! How many is a brazilian?"
Hahahhaha
How can anyone possibly play a Baroque violin without getting it fixed?
Did you hear what the critics said about the dog who learned to play the violin?....."Bow wow."
If you scroll down on this thread, there are a lot of statements that will take you down a peg or two. But you can bridge the gap if you are sharp and just ask someone on the staff who has shifted into a higher position.
(That's about all I can Handel this time of morning)
This is ironic...the google page (from the link posted above) has this actual discussion as one of their results!
No cello/violin jokes on here yet, so here you go -
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.
Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
A: 1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
Enjoy ;-D
What do you call a cello you have sold? A "sello."
What do you get when you cross a cello with a Jews Harp? A Jello. (Should that be "minority harp"?)
What do you get when you scare the daylights out of a cellist? Vibrato.
LOL Vibrato!
A joke I just saw somewhere:
A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.
One of my violin teachers years ago told me a story which he claimed was true, but who knows.
Anyway, Antal Dorati was conducting some symphony in which the a bassoon player had to wait about a thousand measures before he came in. At the last rehearsal before the concert, he asked Maestro Dorati if he would give him a cue. Dorati of course agreed and noted it in the score. That evening, however, at the performance, Dorati conducted without a score, forgot to cue the bassoonist to come it with this very important part, and as a result the whole piece was ruined. After the concert (so the story goes), Dorati was backstage looking for this bassoon player, and when he found him, started berating him for not coming in when he was supposed to.
The poor bassoon player was bewildered: "But Maestro, you said you'd cue me."
"Cue you? Cue you?" said Dorati angrily, "Couldn't you see I was busy conducting?"
I decided to revive this post from last year.
What does a violinist do 2 hours after he locked his keys in the car? -- He tries to rescue the viola player who's still inside.
How do you call someone who likes to hang out & have a drink with musicians? -- A drummer.
Ever hear about the guy who left an accordian in his trunk?
When he got back to his car, it had indeed been broken into and . . . there were TWO accordians in his trunk.
There was this guy who was so dumb that someone felt sorry for him and gave him two sticks so he became a drummer. Then he lost a stick and ended his life as a conductor.
How do 20 violinist change a bulb?
One of them do it, and the others 19 say "I would do it better"
some of us also play the viola you know....be NICE
Reminds me of a viola joke I've told way too many times...
A man sits down next to another man on the plane and says, "I've got a ton of viola jokes!"
The other man says, "I should probably let you know first that I am a violist."
The first man replies, "Good! I'll tell them niiiicce and sloooooww."
Go here: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
for tons of instrument jokes...and three full web pages of viola jokes.
Don't try to read them in a library like I did...people might stare at you for laughing too loud.
How many French hornists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5.
The first 4 will complain about how high it is, and it will take the fifth one to actually do it.
'violin joke' is a redundancy.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.
(feel free to change "viola" to any other instrument...)
True story:
While I was playing in a trio, the violist said to the flautist, "I always hold my breath while I play. Do you hold your breath while you play, too?"
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
You're driving and up ahead, standing in the middle of the road are a conductor and a violist. Who should you run over first?
The conductor--Business before PLEASURE.
What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum?
You have to turn the vacuum on before it sucks.
Hi Guys, What is the definition of perfect pitch?
You throw a piano accordian in a dumpster and it lands on a violin.
Oh really? I thought it was throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim...
I hope there are not too many viola players out there, or we may be sued. This probably will not happen as most viola players cann't read.
hehe.
Ahhh Suresh, not only can some of us read, but we can also spell. :)
Neil
This one isn't about violins but my 2 favorite instruments. What is the definition of perfect pitch?
An accordion hitting a banjo in a dumpster.
Not a joke per-se, but years ago when I played in the Tulsa Philharmonic the concertmaster, Fran Jones, was going to play the Barber Violin Concerto. At the dress rehearsal during the break two of us carefully planted a piece of warm Limberger cheese under his chinrest. (Yes, it was wrapped so it wouldn't hurt anything) While he was playing you could see the nose start to twitch as the awful smell started to reach him. Halfway through the first movement it appeared that he was sort of gagging. It is very hard to play with tears in your eyes trying to keep the laughter in.
As much fun as it is making fun of violas...
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.
How many viola players does it take to paper a room? Three....if you slice them thinly enough!! What's black and brown,and looks good on a viola player? A Rottweiler.
Doctor: Your husband needs to get his rest. Here are some sleeping pills.
Violinist: When should he take them?
Doctor: These are for you.
This really happened. Picture me, wee Scottish lassie, discussing my opinions of a concert
Me: Of course I really enjoyed the violins.
Friend: What do you mean you liked the violence!
Talk about being misunderstood...
This is a true story.
Einstein loved to play violin
and would sometimes play
duets with Kreisler. Once
during one of these occasions they were having some
difficulty playing a certain
passage. After several tries
Kreisler put finally down his
violin and turned to
Einstein. Annoyed he
said, “Eistein can’t you count?”
Hey. Einstein got that fiddler to put the damn thing down. Smart move if you ask me.
Where's the hickey of a violinist? Chin.
And the hickey of a violist? On the left thigh.
Two violists are standing on a sinking ship:
1st violist: "Oh my god - I CAN'T SWIM!!"
2nd violist: "Calm down, just fake it!"
Look to the violists, for they are those in hiding, you can't see'em, you can't hear'em, and your heavenly Father doth nourish them.
Mischa,
In my experience, if you cant see'em or hear'em, you can almost certainly smell them. ;)
Here's my joke (adapted from viola joke):
Q: what do violinists and vacuum cleaners have in common?
A: they both suck
(Also partially true in my experience :P )
Maia
What do you call a conductor who has had his conducting load cut by 50% ??
Answer: a semi-conductor
What do you call a violinist who is faithful to his/her spouse ??
Answer: a virtuoso
What does a hard drinking musicologist do when composing ??
Answer: starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic
Ted
Why are violinists always playing scales? They can remember the tune.
What do you call a violinist with perfect pitch? A starter for the Chicago Cubs.
Why do violinists become good politicians? They've had a lifetime of practice waffling their position.
starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic. sounds like szery...uh, nevermind.
Here is a viola joke, but I have always thought it was funny.
So, the last chair Violist in the orchestra from Nowheresville, USA is walking along the beach one day and finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out and says that it will grant 3 wishes. The violist is very happy and says, "I wish to be the best violist in my orchestra." The genie snaps his fingers, and poof, the violist is now the principal of the orchestra. A couple of days later, the violist asks again, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole USA." Poof, he is now the principal of the best orchestra in the USA." Later yet, the violist requests, "I wish to be the best violist in the whole world." Poof, the Violist is now last chair second violin in the symphony in Nowheresville, USA.
How many violinists does it take to skewer an olive ?
One to hold the stick and two offering technique suggestions....
Another magic lamp joke:
A violinist is walking on the beach one day when he comes across a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me," says the genie. "I am not the most powerful genie, so I'm afraid I can only offer to grant one wish."
Without missing a beat (!), the violinist says, "I'd like there to be peace in the Middle East."
The genie, having been in a lamp for several centuries, asks him to explain. The violinist pulls out a map and details the situation at length.
"Euhhh," says the genie, "that sounds pretty complicated; I don't know if I can pull it off. Do you have a second choice?"
The violinist thinks for a few seconds. "Well, I'd like to be the concertmaster of the Berlin Philharmonic."
The genie says, "Let me take a look at that map again..."
How do violinists pay for lessons?
By the Auer.
In Cremona‘s Piazza Grande are four violin shops each boasting their Logos:
Luigi’s: Best Violin Shop in all of Cremona.
Pietro’s: Best Violin Shop in Italy.
Vitorio’s: Best Violin Shop in all of Europe.
Nardo’s : Best Violin Shop in Piazza Grande.
What's the difference between a violinist and a pigeon?
The pigeon can afford to leave a deposit on a house.
What did St. Peter say about the violinist who didn't practice scales?
The spirit was willing, but the Flesch was weak.
One piece of advice to violinists thinking of incorporating Studies (The "Etudes" title should be reserved for music of the stature of Chopin) into their recital programmes: DONT!!!
A young relative of mine took her "WOHLFARDT" studies book and changed the name to "VOLDEMORT".
Better than VOLE FART.
what is the difference between a viola section and one Granada?
None , when both sound is too late .....
What does the horsehair on a violin bow and the hair on the horses tail have in common? They both have an a$$hole at one end!
The most important part of playing the violin is the nut at the end of the frog.
What is the only thing that separates violist from animals?
the Seconds.
Mercifully, this discussion is about to reach its long overdue coda.
Or, as Marlon Brando said in On The Waterfront: "I coda been a conductor."
Enough of this VILE INanity.
What's the difference between a pizza and a violinist? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Here's a good one from Shar:
Why did Beethoven write ten violin sonatas?
Because he was deaf.
Why didn't Tchaikovsky write any violin sonatas? Because he wasn’t.
:)
This discussion has been archived and is no longer accepting responses.
Violinist.com is made possible by...
Dimitri Musafia, Master Maker of Violin and Viola Cases
Miroirs CA Classical Music Journal
Coltman Chamber Music Competition
Johnson String Instrument/Carriage House Violins
Laurie's Books
Discover the best of Violinist.com in these collections of editor Laurie Niles' exclusive interviews.
Violinist.com Interviews Volume 1, with introduction by Hilary Hahn
Violinist.com Interviews Volume 2, with introduction by Rachel Barton Pine
February 10, 2005 at 03:45 PM · Oh, and let's keep it clean 8^)