Featuring doormat-quality interior lining that will virtually never wear out even if you walk on it daily, the shell is guaranteed to bounce back to its original shape even if flattened by an automobile passing over it, Hummers included.
Style is likewise paramount: the most original feature is in fact the cover-less exterior that will collect scratches on an entirely random basis to create, with time, a truly unique work of art, each one original and different.
Humidity control is achieved through a mouthpiece that you can breathe into when your iPhone or Android device receives a “dry air” text alert coming from the case itself (visit our website to download the app). A small compartment can house hot coals for winter heating, featuring an ingenious cinder trap that you can inconspicuously empty onto your neighbor’s driveway before entering your house, and in a pinch it can barbecue a filet mignon in less than 15 minutes.
Theft of the case and the violin it contains is deterred by metal spikes, studded with industrial grade diamonds, that automatically come out of the handle should the embedded software not recognize your fingerprint (don’t wear gloves!), and tracking of the stolen case is facilitated by its releasing a smokescreen that can be visible for miles and is guaranteed to attract the attention of not only the police, but also the Federal Aviation Administration.
So many ground-breaking features obviously have a price, but we are happy to introduce qualifying clients to Joe “King Kong” Pesci of Great White Financial Services in Hoboken, New Jersey, and their international affiliates, for financing at very competitive rates, so competitive in fact that you’ll discover that you simply can’t refuse.
As the French say, “poisson sans boissons c’est poison” (rough translation: eating fish without good wine is awful).
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