I just played viola in the local symphony for the Nutcracker with the ballet company.
Not only did my arm nearly fall off but I was horrified at how badly and out of tune I played! When I was at my musical peak some years ago,as a violin music performance major, I never allowed myself to play out of tune especially in a concert. No bad note came from my instrument that anybody would hear or really notice (even when i did a little viola in college and was just learning it then). I mean, that happened to the other guy who didn't practice or wasn't a good player, (ie high school or people not as serious in music as i was).
Granted, I've only touched the viola a few times during the last 6 months due to lack of time but mostly resources. (I'm not a full time musician and work part of the year on contract where there's no orchestral opportunities.) I have lost a lot of technique on the violin as well for letting years go by without the kind of practice needed to keep it up. (Reason for this is lack of ambition/drive after about age 20 and extreme major depression from 'black' and 'white' thinking that "if- I- don't -play -as- well -at- age 15 -when -I'm -in- my 30's -i'm -a -lost -cause," "if I can't play well, i wont play at all," etc., It's sad but it's what i'm really battling against and hopefully with determination, get through what I probably need to learn from!)
So what happens is I get so depressed over this, I literally stop being able to play, or function. Yes, literally. My brain shuts down, rehearsals or concerts, doesn't matter. I freeze up. it's a disastrous loop that's been going on for years that i haven't been able to gain any victory over! I'm so miserably depressed over this last concert and it's like the clincher becasue I feel like quitting all together.
But music was the thing I knew, only thing and it was like if i'm not good at that anymore, what's the point? I will not be or become a mediocre player even if I only do it for fun!
Yet the thing that is a vital ingredient and what I had done like second nature years before, I'm lucky to do a few times a month: practice.
Not sure how to get out of THIS mess now. I really botched the concert to where people noticed and said stuff to me (esp. viola section)
Given how i play both violin and viola now, I'm sure no one would believe me that i soloed with my high school orchestra (which was known for being quite good) on the Bruch violin concerto mvt 1.
Has anyone been through this kind of situation? Anyone can relate? How did you work through it?
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