Okay, so, I have questions about confidence. Personally, I began playing violin on a mere whim when I was 11, at that point, it was strictly a hobby, I didn't put any time into it, and nearly forgot how to play over the summers between schools. And then something borderline miraculous happened. I was at my school's summer arts intensive, and the most passing, perhaps not even serious remark: "You could totally be a concert violinist" This argument has already dragged out here, and I' rather not continue it, it's not the issue. I became obssessed. I fell painfully in love with the violin, to a degree strange for a person who before wanted to be a quantum physicist, and had never been exposed to classical beyond commercials. The director of the orchestra at my school said that in a year and a half (the time between my obsession and now) I've become as good has her students at the Chicago Conservatory when they were my age. Yet.... all I feel is paranoia. I feel the insidious, awful fear that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I practice, I'll never be good enough to be a serious violinist. At 15 I can play the Viotti concerto no. 23 and the first two movements of the Bruch and the Wieniawski Polonaise no. 1 without too much difficulty, with the onset of this year I started waking up at 5:30 to get an extra hour and a half of practice before going to school each day, but each day I'm afraid. Various times, just thinking about it, I've gone through depressive slumps and approached nervous breakdown. When I try to play for an audience, my compulsion to prove myself plus my lack of the experience that simply comes with time makes it so that my playing is sloppy, and I botch easy parts. Basically I want to know is, how is it for other people? How can I derive confidence from looking at my past? Because personally, if I had one wish, it'd be to go back and start playing when I was 5.
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