Violin Do's and Don'ts

November 25, 2008 at 11:01 PM ·

Anyone who has bought any type of product in the last 10 years has probably noticed stupid warning labels in the instructions warning against nonsense things that are either common sense or something that no one would ever do, for example "product is hot" on a cup of coffee, or "do not drink" on a bottle of toxic chemicals.  What types of silly warnings such as these would you include on a set of theoretical instructions for a violin?  These can either be theoretical or based on a past event, the best of course being something that either you or your students have done in the past that in retrospect was really stupid or when common sense should have kicked in.

 

Replies (47)

November 25, 2008 at 11:16 PM ·

Greetings,

don`t chew rice if you have a cough.

don`t let your cat sit on your lap.

In the same vein ,  don` hang a pair of dice from the scroll to match yur SUV rear window.

DOn`t play Bolero.

Cheers,

Buri

 

November 25, 2008 at 11:40 PM ·

Don't practice for long periods of time without breaks.

(Gray Cat in lap agrees).

November 25, 2008 at 11:45 PM ·

Do not feed your violin prunes......it will not make you stay in tunes.

November 26, 2008 at 12:08 AM ·

Remove from case before playing.

Warning: nut is not edible.

Instrument contains small parts that may pose a choking hazard.

Do not use while bathing.

 

November 26, 2008 at 12:23 AM ·

strings: not for choaking

For indoor use mainly

flammable!

bow can puncture an eye.

playing with a long beared is not recomended! (I'm not a man, but what would someone with a santa type beard would do on a violin if not get cought in the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

100% biodegradable

Anne-Marie

November 26, 2008 at 12:29 AM ·

Having a beard is a natural asset----a beard serves as a natural chinrest   !

November 26, 2008 at 12:31 AM ·

Rosin cake is inedible

rice may be used to clean rosin from interior of violin (uncooked)

 

 

November 26, 2008 at 12:36 AM ·

Oh, a silly thread?

"The Bow is Not a Sword".

November 26, 2008 at 12:55 AM ·

lol Joe!

I haven't thought about that!

Anne-Marie

November 26, 2008 at 12:56 AM ·

Do not try to wag the tailpiece.

DO not try to make the wood grain into bread.

November 26, 2008 at 01:15 AM ·

Don't clean rosin off violin with your beard, unless you have a ZZ Topper-Whopper then you can rehair with it.

Beware of the Dark Side of the Prune!!!!!!!! Leave anger alone, it leads to suffering, suffering to hatred & Internal Tension! This leads too the Dark Side!

November 26, 2008 at 02:24 AM ·

I thought prunes had nothing but Dark Sides.  I ate my share of them when playing Schoenberg.

Ah well, back to practice *grabs prunes from pantry*.

November 26, 2008 at 03:01 AM ·

Just because your bow is not wood doesn't mean it's not gonna break.

Strings snap. Tune with caution.

November 26, 2008 at 03:57 AM ·

the dark side of the prune is referred to as `the backside` for obvious reasons.

November 26, 2008 at 07:12 AM ·

 

you can treat your violin like a baby cello.. but don't ever treat a cello like a violin

;)

November 26, 2008 at 08:20 AM ·

Don't wax bow strings

Lack of frets is intentional, and not a manufacture flaw

Caution: Bow can cause eye injury of others; do not play in crowded subways or elevators

Tune violin to CDAE; use less tension on bow

Finish may be waterproof, but instrument may be damaged by moisure; do NOT play on the roof in a rainstorm

 

November 26, 2008 at 08:26 AM ·

Accidental double post; just pretend I had something witty to say here too...

November 26, 2008 at 11:27 AM ·

On A Serious note:

Do Not Let Alcahol (string cleaner) get on the finish of your violin!

Do Not Let Rosin build up on the violin's finish.

November 26, 2008 at 11:29 AM ·

And dont get it sopping wet or it'll warp, and or  mildew.

November 26, 2008 at 11:52 AM ·

try not to sit on violin.

November 26, 2008 at 12:50 PM ·

Don't play in the shower.

The application of hand creme will not aid in shifting.

Repairs should be made by qualified personal.

Batteries not included.

 

November 26, 2008 at 01:58 PM ·

Caution: Please GIVE to children

Warning: Excessive practicing of this instrument may lead to giftedness, other more expensive stringed instruments, conservatories and universities out of your price range. 

November 26, 2008 at 01:58 PM ·

Warning: Do not use rosin as a lubricant.

Disgard wrong notes immediately after use.

Warning: Do not expose wrong notes to the public.

Misuse of the bow can cause scratchiness.

Never play the violin while you are having bad thoughts.

If you experience a downbow lasting more than 4 hours, call your doctor.

November 26, 2008 at 03:59 PM ·

SANDER-LOL!!!!!  (Down bow lasting more than 4 hours!)

 

Minor seconds played at fff acompanied by Wolf tones rids house/apartment of Rats, mice, termites, roaches and and hungover college students. Curls hair nicely!

November 26, 2008 at 04:00 PM ·

Shouldn't that be an up-bow? ;)

November 26, 2008 at 04:06 PM ·

yes, don't read sandy's 4 hour thingy if your mouth is full.

November 26, 2008 at 04:32 PM ·

May cause excessive practicing, and obsessive behaviors

November 26, 2008 at 04:53 PM ·

If this wasn't supposed to be funny, I guess you are stuck with it now. :) 

Do not put your violin down on the sofa, chairs or stairs. In the case of the stairs, don't even consider doing so w/this violin in the case.

Do not practice while driving. Whether the driver or a passenger.

If you MUST read a book or watch TV while practicing, try to choose something about music.

November 26, 2008 at 05:27 PM ·

 May contain traces of nuts

November 26, 2008 at 06:00 PM ·

"Do not put your violin down on the sofa,"

ok to put it on sofa as long as you tell the whole world, or your dad about it.  the dad mentioned in this clip is a true dork btw.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aa_HARji1FQ

 

"If you MUST read a book or watch TV while practicing, "

well, sometime daddy gives in to too many threats,,,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JraPQ9Euqc0

November 26, 2008 at 07:32 PM ·

"If this wasn't supposed to be funny, I guess you are stuck with it now. :) "

I could see it going either serious or funny, but I'm glad it went this way because my day/week has been somewhat stressful and some of these are downright hilarious!  especially the one about the 4 hour down bow....btw, how long could someone draw out one downbow and still have it sound decent?

 

 

 

November 26, 2008 at 08:43 PM ·

Warning: playing double stops may cause your parents to drink accessively.

Never strip while playing, you may lose your G-string :)

November 26, 2008 at 09:06 PM ·

WARNING - product to be taken in cases of extreme psychosis or neurosis only.  If condition worsens or delusions of grandeur appear discontinue use.  In cases of  dementia the dosage should be lowered by a fifth.

November 26, 2008 at 09:14 PM ·

Do Not Open - No user-servicable parts inside!

and

Do not plug into extension cord or electrical outlet.

 

November 26, 2008 at 09:16 PM ·

Elizabeth, I'm sure Perlman could play Kreutzer 2 in one down bow staccato continuously for 4 hours.  Probably while asleep, too.

November 26, 2008 at 10:30 PM ·

Greetings,

>Do not practice while driving. Whether the driver or a passenger.

I believe a Canadian violnist wa sarrested for doing this a year or two back.  IN your Kayak is not an issue.

Cheer,s

Buri

November 26, 2008 at 11:16 PM ·

Utilize extreme caution whilst attempting your radar equipped finger pads to celebrate any note upon the contained instrument. The continued usage of alcohol,or its derivatives could become an explanation for excessive vibrato without your psyche reminding you to try to relax.............Should ye become intolerant and begin to 'jam' excessively,then place your fiddle back in its case---so you will not have the chance to weep uncontrollably because you 'just happened' to sit upon same...             Others may not be interested in hearing your interpretation of a composer---in this case continue to jam until most are yawning; then notice someone who isn't yawning and play for same....

Use this product at your own risk whilst others may not condone your preoccupation with producing every note from your fingertips.....    Determine your voyage at your own unique involvement,yet rely upon others--who have perfect pitch---to assist ye...     Professionals have their days upon the stage,amateurs live by their hearts.........

Just play your violin and be happy  !

 

November 27, 2008 at 12:29 AM ·

In addition to not being a sword, the bow is also not a light saber, and may not be used to cast spells in or outside of Hogwarts....

November 27, 2008 at 12:37 AM ·

Warning: Do Not Open (Risk of Luthier Wrath)

Refer Servicing To Qualified Service Personnel.

 

November 27, 2008 at 12:38 AM ·

that's not  a problem for us muggles, though, Ms. Thaler.

November 27, 2008 at 12:40 AM ·

Do not study violin if you are pregnant, nursing or thinking of becoming a nurse.  Tell your doctor if you feel hopeless or inadequate as these may be signs of serious side effects.

November 27, 2008 at 02:02 AM ·

Warning, may cause divorce, scare friend and neibours away

May draw jealousy from the other partner

tell your doctor if you are bocoming to like more your violin than you husband/wife

danger, can lead to mental illness such as starting practicing at 2:00 AM for a concert the next day at 8:00PM

Do not use as fire starter

Do not perform in swimming pool

Keep away from domestic cats and rodents

Caution, May lose the natural defenses towards predators the nature gave you: nails and hearing

thus, wouldn't survived more than one week in the woods...

Anne-Marie

 

November 27, 2008 at 02:54 AM ·

Caution : please attempt to spend 1 week in the woods [alone]  before playing instrument contained in the case provided-----otherwise you could be rendered with one of the most horrible of diseases---commonly beknownst  as step dancing---and this could look bad on your resume......

 

 

November 27, 2008 at 09:07 AM ·

"I believe a Canadian violnist wa sarrested for doing this a year or two back.  IN your Kayak is not an issue." 

Do not use violin as a paddle.

Violin does not function as a flotation device.

 

The violin should not be confused with the remote control.

Do not use as a mixing bowl while cooking.

 Violin may be used to wreak revenge on annoying neighbors.

November 27, 2008 at 07:37 PM ·

Warning: Prolonged use of this product can result in good taste.  Side effects include a sense of accomplishment, appreciation of great art and artists, and the ability to inspire audiences.

Caution: The Surgeon General has determined that tightrope walking while playing the violin can be hazardous to your health.

Return any broken chords to your authorized Stradivarious(TM) dealer.

If you are dissatisfied with this product for any reason, return unused concertos for a full refund.

Instructions: Place instrument under neck. Put bow on strings. Play.

Caution: Avoid sleeping while playing minimalist music (unless you want to join the audience).

And remember, kids, a spoonful of Tchaikovsky helps the medicine go down.

City regulations require that a Licensed Physical Therapist be present at all performances of Bazzini.

The management wishes to apologize for a misprint in the program for tonight's concert. The World Wrestling Federation championship will be held in this hall tomorrow night. Therefore, please disregard the statement that "The winner of the Beethoven Violin Concerto will be decided by the best 3 out of 5 falls."

November 27, 2008 at 09:06 PM ·

Buri your first tip made me hysterical

November 28, 2008 at 04:28 PM ·

Warning: don't place the Violin near your left ear - may cause injury

may take 10 years before full sound produktion

Loose parts should not be glued to the violin

does not sound the same up close as in concert hall

this is not an instrument with keys or frets. As the makers of fretless bowed instruments we take no responobility for broken relationships, anger or frustration... or sudden dog attacs!

for complaints please dial : 0001465 Amati

Thank you for choosing Swindler Violins

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