We just had seating auditions. I used to be concertmaster, now I'm not. That's always a bummer, but it doesn't really bother me. The person who was my standpartner took over, and she is amazing, she totally deserves it (yes, she's Asian, I'm not... jk). Please, everyone understand this post is not about jealousy!
Now, auditions. It's like fight vs. flight for me. That word, those circumstances, just triggers a huge reaction that makes me EXTREMELY nervous. I've been working on nerves for a LONG time, and Buri's post about the 5 Whys has been very helpful. However, I still can't stop the reaction. I discovered through 5 Whys that I hate not being in absolute control of my playing (if you get my meaning) especially when it "really counts." I have tremendous external pressure from family, making my teachers proud, etc. I also have this unimaginable internal pressure to surpass all others, get an A+, and just be the best. Always.
I want to play for a living. This is part of that living. I have got to get over these things... but it's like an uncontrollable monster that rears its head during the most important times.
Should I just do it over and over to try to desensitize? Wouldn't that make me backtrack if I didn't get the desired results? I've been doing energy work with my violin professor. However beneficial it is, it doesn't stick with me when it really counts. I've psychologically overcome the feeling that all my bad past experiences performing in recitals are my fault. (I had to play Bach Partita in E Major, Preludio, before any exercises in 4th position...) But this drive to be the best is so intense that it has taken over!
Argh. I really don't want to go the beta-blocker route.
This discussion has been archived and is no longer accepting responses.
Violinist.com is made possible by...
Discover the best of Violinist.com in these collections of editor Laurie Niles' exclusive interviews.