Limericks - Part 3 (Oh, no!)

July 26, 2007 at 04:08 PM · Oh, for a muse of fire (and rhyme),

Limericks get to me all the time.

So please create a dilly,

Even if it's silly,

It's the Olympus of verse we climb.

Replies (99)

July 26, 2007 at 04:26 PM · :)

A tightwad used once - with great success!

a tamed alligator as shoulder rest

he played with such ease,

the gator agrees:

this fellow's now playing shoulderless.

July 26, 2007 at 04:53 PM · Oh'm'God!

July 26, 2007 at 04:53 PM · Sander's gonna start doing limericks at Walmart before it's over....

Me thinks the price,

is way too high.

Go to Isle 8,

for a much better buy.

July 26, 2007 at 05:13 PM · There once was a fiddler named Maura,

That gave off Hungarian aura.

She worships Szigeti

And plays a Moretti

So now Joska tips his fedora!

heh heh.

July 26, 2007 at 05:18 PM · A time warp brought Beethoven to '08,

he went to a doc for an hearing aid.

When he heard afresh,

it's been such a trash,

that he switched off the aid and went back straight.

July 26, 2007 at 06:04 PM · There was a performer named Cage

who sent audiences into a rage.

At the piano he'd linger

but not raise a finger.

Till a guy said: "at least clean the stage!"

July 26, 2007 at 06:33 PM · I don't care if Cage was the tannest.

To me he was the blandest.

What I want to know,

Instead of a prepared piano,

Is a well-prepared pianist.

July 26, 2007 at 08:40 PM · And then there was Sibelius,

brilliant if somewhat rebellious.

How could such a muse

survive all that booze?

I must confess that I'm jeal-i-ous.

July 27, 2007 at 02:42 AM · Anne, that is f***ing brilliant. ;-) Although I'm (whenever possible) going by my Hungarian/Czech/pan-European/pronounceable name, "Mara", now...glad I stuck to the Irish version long enough for you to write that limerick!

July 27, 2007 at 06:32 AM · Now we are all lyrical junkies,

Who seem to be acting like flunkies,

We need to get down,

The Bridge with James Brown,

It's Friday, so let's 'Make It Funky!'

July 27, 2007 at 03:27 PM · Milstein or Heifetz, we pontificate.

Shoulder rest or restless we vacillate.

Then we spend time,

with ridiculous rhymes

But with scales and etudes we procrastinate.

July 27, 2007 at 04:18 PM · All these obsessive contests of rests,

All these gabfests of protested tests,

I am not impressed,

They make me depressed,

All these inquests: ridiculous jests!

And young Gerety, watch your language please! :)

July 27, 2007 at 04:30 PM · Jim wanted the name of the wine,

T'was mentioned in previous line,

But if you were to,

Try Ali's home brew,

You would lose track of space and time.

July 27, 2007 at 04:52 PM · Violin or Viola we jest.

It's time to put it to rest.

A viola might find

A right note sometimes,

But man are they good at the rests.

July 27, 2007 at 05:09 PM · I practice early because I must work late,

It's scales and etudes as I don't tempt fate.

With bubble gum in hand, thank God for solid land,

Christopher on this one you were wrong my man.

July 27, 2007 at 05:45 PM · Yes, my language occasion'lly is coarse,

And I've been known to shout myself hoarse.

When all logic's in shambles,

That's when my speech resembles

That of a hussar who's mad at his horse.

July 27, 2007 at 07:02 PM · Some of us post tall tales.

Some shoot straight as nails.

Although we don't know

What's true or for show,

Albert plays etudes and scales.

July 27, 2007 at 07:12 PM · Christopher should look at himself.

I would suspect he 'he' tells the tales.

Rather point fingers, at folks he don't know,

now Christopher, do go practice your scales.

Make Oliver proud if you would.

Just serious practice if you could,

Caprice 24, waits at the door,

as I pick meself up laughing down on the floor.

July 27, 2007 at 07:10 PM · Hey Albert,

This is supposed to be fun and light. I meant no harm.

July 27, 2007 at 07:14 PM · Honest and diligent

Hurtful and militant

Albert is wrong

To sing such a song

"Why can't we just all get along?"

July 27, 2007 at 07:20 PM · Absolutely....

July 27, 2007 at 07:23 PM · Christopher's memory isn't so long,

fun at other's expense is what's wrong.

I poke enough fun at me self,

I need no help, but thanks just as well.

July 27, 2007 at 07:27 PM · Whether misunderstanding or hearts on our sleeve,

I had no intention to hurt my colleague.

With a promise of friendship, and quite humbly,

Please accept a sincere apology.

July 27, 2007 at 08:40 PM · Heartily I'd partake of the home brew

and in classical style, perhaps drink from her shoe

and while drugged by her grace

forget time and space

and give good hospitality its due.

July 27, 2007 at 08:37 PM · “More bow! More bow!”

I’ve heard all my life

“I try! I try!”

With diligent strife

“It’s hard! So hard!”

To play crescendos

When my bow is haired

With hair from my nose

July 27, 2007 at 08:44 PM · Limericks only, no rapping.

July 27, 2007 at 08:51 PM · There once was a freshman at Oberlin

who went by the nickname of "Sober Lynn."

Once her roommate, she drank

till, returning quite rank,

she passed out after getting sick all over Lynn.

July 27, 2007 at 11:54 PM · Another for Gerety:

A naughty word just might be spicy,

But such salty language is dicey!

An end to this Sitcom

If you drop the F-bomb,

So please pick your adjectives nicely!

July 28, 2007 at 12:20 AM · Hey, at least I used asterisks...

July 28, 2007 at 02:35 AM · All in good fun.

July 28, 2007 at 03:00 AM · Just adding a little extra-spicy paprika to the mix...don't mind me. ;-)

July 28, 2007 at 03:27 AM · An occasional F-Bomb is okay.

It's just a brief reference to noo-kay.

Just don't overdo it

and generally, eschew it

(and make sure not to play hoo-kay).

July 28, 2007 at 03:57 AM · [My favorite music limerick, from my late father when I was young back in the 1950's. Try reciting this quickly.]

A tutor who tooted the flute

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor:

Is it harder to toot,

Or to tutor two tooters to toot?

July 28, 2007 at 10:40 AM · It's Sander who this thread has skippered,

With Anne's criticism now peppered,

So What? 'Och well',

'We'll a' flame in hell',**

For what we've writ, we'll a' git kippered.

** Alternative ending nicked from Curtis Mayfield in case you can't understand my Scots accent.

If there's hell below,

We're all gonna go,

July 28, 2007 at 08:11 AM · Once you've got your tootin' right,

If tongue twisters you really like,

Just put your teeth in,

Do some deep breethin',

Say quick, 'I saw a ship in sight'

July 28, 2007 at 08:31 AM · Christopher Christopher my friend,

forgive my obsessive Chagrin.

I live life's real drama

with lovely persona,

my fiddle is truly, my friend.

I truly work like two men. And, I'm rathah pretty as well! ;). (Henry Fielding pronunciation)

July 28, 2007 at 01:00 PM · The weekend is too lazy to nag,

I'll stop acting too much like the drag.

D scales, they do call me

And etudes, do thrall me,

It's too hot to make a finger wag!

July 28, 2007 at 06:09 PM · There was a blond fiddler of yore

Who thought OshKosh was Haut Couture

In the Gardens of Spain

She played Old Refrain

Gosh, was that Kreisler, Pugnani, or Spohr?

July 28, 2007 at 05:28 PM · My rosin is sticky

My teacher is picky

The music’s so tricky

I’m lost all the time.

My neck is so itchy

Darn violin hickey

I do wish the hickey

Was the other kind.

July 28, 2007 at 08:18 PM · There once was a rhymer in Canton

who took liberties with limericks that were wanton.

They were plain old rhyming lines;

and eight at a time!

That dog it just ain't huntin'.

*We're a tough bunch on this thread, Christopher:))

July 28, 2007 at 10:52 PM · A sonnet would be nice right about now,

But to write one, I fear, I know not how.

Ah Shakespeare, egad!

How I wish I had

Such brains that to write would allow.

July 28, 2007 at 11:51 PM · Mitch it is true, my posts have been plenty.

Amends have been made, for being too pithy.

With an offer of peace, there’s no need to fight

But frankly, I think your G-string’s too tight. :)

Disclaimer:

The author of this post has no ill-intent regarding work ethic, moral principles, religious convictions, mental stability, or skill level. It just rhymed real good-like. :-}

July 29, 2007 at 04:59 AM · Please take note of the rhyme

you disgusting nonlimericking slime.

It's AABBA

if you want to play.

We're not here to have a good time.

July 29, 2007 at 02:00 AM · My ignorance - I apologize.

What an idiot I must seem

To friends held high in esteem.

Shed form for a time

To show my behind

Geez, can you tell I'm green?

July 29, 2007 at 02:33 AM · I transformed his poetic catastrophe

into wonderful limerick mastery

Now he'll have a ball

outdoing us all

and I'm out of debt to humanity.

July 29, 2007 at 05:40 AM · Now Pauline could not solve the riddle,

Of where was the guy playing fiddle,

That made her think,

He'd had too much drink,

And he had gone off for a piddle

That was close, I nearly put the punchline in the link at the beginning.

July 29, 2007 at 08:37 AM · A man just popped up in a bow spat,

and pronto this fellow made clear that,

he knew everything,

of price, style and swing.

An expert? No, just Morbus Bo(w)rat.

July 29, 2007 at 09:16 AM · Since Maura enjoys literary references...

Some think that the British are haughty,

(In fact we have always been naughty),

Chaucer's Wife of Bath*,

Was good for a laugh,

The old stuff could not be more saucy

*Alison, Wife of Bath, was a strumpet, which fits very well with crumpet. But that's too cluttered.

July 29, 2007 at 02:20 PM · A violinist, begging for alms,

Announced, "I don't have any qualms

About living this way;

It's how I get my pay

Every day that I practise the Brahms."

July 29, 2007 at 05:06 PM · There once was a luthier lad

Who's fiddles weren't all half bad

With wine he's up late

Graduating his plates

With enough wine, they all sound like strads

July 29, 2007 at 06:01 PM · A violinist, lacking in flair,

Who, playing Bartholdy, did err,

Said, "Now, don't get me wrong -

It's ~called~ 'Wings of Song',

But right now it's 'Wing and a Prayer'".

July 29, 2007 at 06:06 PM · A violinist, coming unstuck

In a difficult passage by Bruch,

Said "Now that bit's not right,

But was OK last night,

And, anyway, who gives a damn?"

July 30, 2007 at 11:39 AM · My playing is so scary that,

It's emptied the surrounding flats,

Have done too much work,

D'blestopping Bartok,

That no-one will want to move back.

July 30, 2007 at 12:50 PM · Reading these limericks, you think none can beat us?

If Heifetz were alive, he'd want to meet us?

Our playing's better (I hope),

'Cause these poems just mope;

They're a sort of musical fetus.

July 30, 2007 at 05:40 PM · Bach's music was inspired by worship,

Producing wonderful workmanship,

But the origin,

Of his religion?

InterPlanetaryFunkmanship

July 30, 2007 at 06:33 PM · A busker was playing Dvorak

when a passerby said "play some more, Jack."

"Give me a fin

and I'll play more violin."

And the guy said "you're now on ignore, Jack."

July 30, 2007 at 06:35 PM · A kitten once played Shostakovic

but she played with (let's call it) low pitch

her luthier - that stinks! -

used her for some strings

her very last thought? "... life's a bitch!"

July 30, 2007 at 10:11 PM · Paganini, when teaching Miss Xet Xiang Ho,

Said, "You're going to progress ere I'll let you go!"

They started Cantabile,

Progressed to Amabile,

And ended up Moto Perpetuo.

July 31, 2007 at 02:23 AM · A tourist traveling alone

will get ripped off in Barcelone.

And with any wisdom

you'll avoid Lisbon.

And don't even ask about Rome.

July 31, 2007 at 02:36 AM · A pianist and very hard worker

tried so hard to play a mazurka.

But though he was hell-bent

he was lacking in talent

so now he's an internet lurker.

July 31, 2007 at 06:45 AM · Travelling in Europe is painless,

You can visit monuments endless,

Or go past the Med,

And get very red,

And keep asking, 'Doo Yoo Speek Aingleesh?'

July 31, 2007 at 12:24 PM · If French or Spanish makes you skittish

consider a vacation British.

Useless artifacts

the Brit Museum never lacks.

But one must never get snittish.

July 31, 2007 at 11:59 AM · A lewd dude, who sang his last farewell,

expelled by a stone guy to flared hell,

(his scout had to log

all chicks in his BLOG):

that's Don Giovanní in a nutshell.

July 31, 2007 at 12:07 PM · If for Istanbul you book a flight,

Then your holiday will be alright,

Fresh spice you can get,

Close to minarets,

And to finish - some Turkish Delight!

July 31, 2007 at 01:12 PM · Oh how I love southern Europe.

At times yes my eyes even blur up.

In the cathedrals

I feel protected from evil

(but some of the foods make me bur-up.)

July 31, 2007 at 01:53 PM · It's hot in that region this year,

Romania's melting, I fear.

Hungary's roasting,

The Balkans are toasting!

And the Czechs are too hot to drink beer.

July 31, 2007 at 02:32 PM · When the Czechs are too hot to drink beer

you know that the end is quite near.

And they're roasting like wieners

all over Slovenia

so together let's all shed a tear.

July 31, 2007 at 04:53 PM · Close inspection of threads would relate,

That the most oft-repeated debate,

Is 'Whether it's best,

To use shoulder rest?'

IF AFFIRMATIVE, EXTERMINATE!!!!

July 31, 2007 at 09:15 PM · Kreisler was a king to bestow

With vibrato and passion aglow

From Sicilienne to Corelli

In the style of Pugnani

He gave us Love's Joy and Love's Sorrow.

July 31, 2007 at 06:12 PM · The shoulder rest thing is a nit

to pick while with fiddle you sit

when you started late.

Bbw's you'll date,

so why not just get on with it

July 31, 2007 at 06:54 PM · Me fiddle's got perfect proportions,

no gravity inspired distortions,

may have started late,

but don't believe in fate,

Age has no bearing on who one should date.

All women are alright with me,

it's what inside I'm lookin to see.

And do they have hatchets,

in purses as ratchets?

Now this, could make me take flee.

July 31, 2007 at 07:10 PM · A salute to ol' Scarlatti,

who got accused at times of being snotty.

Being totally immune

to attempts his motives to impugn,

he went to work on another sonat-y.

July 31, 2007 at 07:46 PM · As a student I can attest

My playing was laboriously stressed

With a well fitted rest

I found effortless zest

Play without, if you haven’t a neck.

July 31, 2007 at 08:39 PM · Oh Mitchell, now give me some credit,

I've spotted that you've done an edit,

With Buckingham,

Went Prince's b*m?,

Too late, I had already read it.

Off with your head!

(Actually my first thought was the artist called Prunce, and jam)

July 31, 2007 at 09:17 PM · On re-read I thought it too randy

so I found the edit mode handy.

I redid it quite tamely

and I must confess, lamely,

But at least someone saw it: that's dandy.

July 31, 2007 at 11:51 PM · Playing Liebeslied, I'm Kreisler's clone.

But then I got a call on the phone.

It was a musician,

Who took the position,

"Why don't you just liebus alone."

August 1, 2007 at 06:39 AM · To compare with Bach there is nothin',

And for Kreisler I am a glutton,

Rimsky Korsakov,

Can't get enough of,

But Bartok pushes all my buttons.

August 1, 2007 at 01:24 PM · Bartok was to percussion

as Alaska is to mushin'.

His use of celesta

just outdid the rest o'

the composers, whether British or Russian.

August 1, 2007 at 03:27 PM · Buying a new fiddle is wearing,

Selection criteria's ailing,

Shrill French, not for me,

Forget Italy ($£$£$£$£),

Bring on the Big Bellied Bavarians

August 2, 2007 at 05:25 PM · There was a violinist from Buckingham

Who did lewd things with ducks before cooking 'em,

Playing "White Cliffs of Dover"

To a clutch of their ova

And instructing his granny on sucking 'em.

___________________________________

There was a violinist called Ilya

Who campaigned to get Bach played much frillier.

He waggled his thumb

While extending his bum,

But it just made it sound even sillier.

August 2, 2007 at 09:36 PM · For the rudest lyrics in the land,

Which could never be described as bland?

British Sea Shanties,

O'which there are plenty,

Though in modern times, they would be banned.

If we are lucky this chronicle,

Will achieve the highest pinnacle,

Get out your fiddle,

Have a quick diddle,

Shouting out loud, 'Bless Me Barnacles'

But Captain Pugwash was innocent. He didn't say those rude words.

August 3, 2007 at 01:59 AM · Now that we're talking about naughty lyrics, ever heard any Russian chastushki?

August 3, 2007 at 02:27 AM · Ha! That's some sick stuff.

August 3, 2007 at 09:28 AM · Chastushkis would make some here sea sick,

the editor'd act with some mouse clicks:

it's not just one f-word,

it's f-content alert.

(I know that as tight-lipped Chastushknik.)

.............................................................

Still Allison fancies this poem thread

and pityingly with shaking head she said

to us prosa losers

and U.S.-muse-abusers:

"While thou livest, keep a good tongue in thy head..."

August 4, 2007 at 08:14 AM · Ignorance is bliss, so they tell me,

And for all I know it might as well be,

Now you can surmise,

That I'm not streetwise,

Cause I never heard a Chastushki

We Celtic people are spiritual,

It's said that we even have rituals,

We dance round the stones,

Cast Fortune from bones,

And that will stop us getting wrinkles

August 4, 2007 at 08:40 PM · I'd write you a good chastuski

but it would get me the nooseki

the babushka would go

"Sergy, spasibo

for not forgetting about my cabooski."

August 4, 2007 at 11:05 PM · Oh Alison, cast me a charm

That will not only keep me from harm,

But will make my up-bow

No longer cause woe

And make me play like Gil Shaham.

August 5, 2007 at 11:24 AM · Jim H, we'll try some faerie voodoo,

With pixies, kelpies and Ghillie Dhu,

We'll get out the pot,

And give it a shot,

And make a Yehudi out of you*

No matter what life you are livin',

You're judged on the fun you have given,

You don't need to fret,

Or harbour regret,

Chastushkniks will all go to heaven

*If there is any magic left over, I badly need it

August 5, 2007 at 11:33 AM · Well, once Macedonian freaks

went out to lampaste all those Greeks,

the Persians deep-fried,

half Egypt just sighed:

"Antique Alexander-technique".

***

Frustrated of playing Bach-fugas?

Your Bártok sounds messed up and FUBAR?

play Mozart goes Doom

in timely costume.

Salieri? Just reload your Luger...

August 5, 2007 at 02:36 PM · "Alexander technique"....*GROAN!*

September 9, 2007 at 01:01 PM · If Hilary's Hahns weren't their nicest,

And Repin was wrestlin' his Vices,

Suppose Vengerov,

Had a Chestikov,

Then Prunes would cure all of their Crises

September 9, 2007 at 06:37 PM · To Jim, the muse for this limerick, this is JUST a joke. Don't take it personally or seriously. It was just too much fun to write a "poem" about you, and once I did, well, I couldn't just let it go to waste. You're cool despite being cantankerous. ;)

-----

Jim Miller’s a flippant curmudgeon

Who causes folks to want to bludgeon

Lucky for him

Such acts are a sin

Or he might end up food for a gudgeon

-----

September 9, 2007 at 04:53 PM · When attempting to do a vibrato

Keep it simple- that is my motto

If you yank and you twist

I'd say stop and desist

You'll have better luck winning the lotto!

September 9, 2007 at 04:56 PM · Ronald,

Excellent. :)

September 9, 2007 at 07:28 PM · There once was a fiddler gone mad

That drew on the neck of his strad

His beautiful wife

Who had lost her life

To cover the frets that he had.

===

There's tell of a fiddler named Sam,

Who played with a single hand.

His bow never strayed,

Though a hook with he played!

Hats off to that fiddling man.

===

Before there were Strads and Del Gesui

People played quite profusely

On the rubber band box

And dried cats with pox

But now we are all so choosey.

September 9, 2007 at 08:19 PM · La-rry, you're about to discover,

That this thread can't go on much farther,

Pay no heed to Jim*

We'll never please him,

But here you can get off with murrrder

*Actually that's a really funny site with a lot of dry humour like Jim's, but I should still 'do a Prince' now and change my name

September 9, 2007 at 10:00 PM · Alison,

*chuckle*

Ian,

The same. ;)

September 10, 2007 at 12:15 AM · Well, I had so much fun coming up with that last limerick about Jim, that I just couldn't stop myself from trying another one. Though, for this one, I'm afraid I had to sort of make up some words. ;)

-----

When Jim becomes much too cantankerous

You'd do well to be equally spankerous

A whipping, you see,

Causes most kids to be,

For doing good deeds, rather hankerous

-----

September 10, 2007 at 04:40 AM · There once was a violin web site

which brought much joy and insight

Just don't say the "best"

or the words "chin rest"

or you'll be reading well after midnight

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