April Fool's Day, 2007

April 2, 2007 at 02:04 AM · Today is April 1st, April Fool's Day. So I thought it would be nice to start some rumors:

- Julliard began as a school of cosmetology.

- The musical inspiration for all of the songs by the Grateful Dead is the slow movement of the Beethoven Violin Concerto.

- If you eat processed sugar, it will make your vibrato better.

- Horse tail hairs are used on bows because horses have perfect pitch (and so did Nolan Ryan).

:) Sandy

Replies (26)

April 2, 2007 at 02:50 AM · Buri stops eating prunes and starts playing viola instead.

April 2, 2007 at 04:04 AM · Buri became spokesman for Delmonte.

April 2, 2007 at 04:03 AM · EMI is about to release a 70 year old studio recording of Fritz Kreisler playing his own "Praeludium and Allegro".

April 2, 2007 at 04:32 AM · I got into Juilliard!!!!

April 2, 2007 at 04:57 AM · Bronsilaw Huberman wasn't cross-eyed...it was just a cheap sympathy ploy.

April 2, 2007 at 04:57 AM · The Paganini Concerto #1 was actually intended for the soloist to play in the key of E-flat while the orchestra played in the key of D, not the other way around.

April 2, 2007 at 05:32 AM · Strings were made of sheep guts because sheep those days had perfect pitch and the sweetest tones.

April 2, 2007 at 10:47 AM · This month's Strings magazine (which often quotes me) reveals Stradivari and G.del Gesu never existed. The violins were cobbled together by W. E. Hill & Sons. In fact there were no violins at all before the early 1900s.

April 2, 2007 at 05:56 AM · Welcome to Classical News! Tonight, April 1st, 2007 we have the following quick bulletins.

Britney Spears has announced that she is an avid Mahler fan, while, in a related item, Justin Timberlake claims to have recently gone completely batty for Webern. Not for Berg, however, which a Spears spokeperson claimed is probably reflective of his shorter attention span. Courtney Love, especially while, in her words "drugged silly and staggering", adores listening to Schubert lieder and Russian opera, with special emphasis on Rimsky-Korsakov.

All three have announced plans to team up for a massive "Support Your Local Orchestra" concert at which, organizers coyly hint, wardrobe malfunctions might occur. Or not. It all depends on the need to increase ticket sales.

In other news, famed European crossover artist - and Fabio wanna-be - Andre Rieu has recently come forward with an announcement that his playing has actually been arm-synched for years. The actual performers are Milli Vanilli, with Milli performing left hand material while Vanilli performs with his right hand. Smutty and juvenile comments by those who should know better may now be made while we pause for a commercial announcement:

::cue dramatic movie-style music with sternum-vibrating bass beat::

"FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! Mozart as you've NEVER heard him before! Cicciolina comes out of retirement from pornography - and her role in the Italian parliament. Next Wednesday, in courtyard of St. Peter's Basilica, she performs the 21st piano of Mozart. In the nude!

Come hear Mozart as he always intended to be heard! Come hear GREAT MUSIC finally made accessible to the masses. We know that once you see this show, you'll want to immediately run out and buy a complete DG set of Mozart symphonies. (rapid-fire disclaimer: Ms. Cicciolina has averred that she HAS, in fact, completed her fourth piano lesson already.) And now, back to the news!"

And finally, on the lighter side of the news, rap artists worldwide have united for a business conference in Tibet. Although their initial press release claimed the convention was on "How to make it easier to be a gangsta", reports have since leaked out from the conference that it was brought about for no reason at all. None, that is, except for a desperate need for a story about rap to - in the words of organizers - "make it into the forefront of the public's consciousness. I mean, we positively LANGUISH in the arts sections of the Times but do you see stories about rap or rap artists on the front pages of important news sources, like People Magazine? I didn't THINK so."

Tragically, the Richter-scale scope of the pounding percussion involved in the opening ceremonial concert has caused a small landslide. Rescue workers are working around the clock, pouring molten lead over the top of the pile in hopes of containment.

April 2, 2007 at 06:34 AM · Date set for Emil C. Grand Ol Opry debut!

April 2, 2007 at 06:49 AM · A complete score of the long-rumored Mahler Violin Concerto has been discovered in a feed mill in the Mississippi River town of Alma, Wisconsin. Mahler may have accidentally left it there on an incognito trip to midwest farms, while researching material for "Das Lied von der Erde" (this was during a brief literal period). Although the score had been used to line bags of organic wheat germ, all but one of the six movements has been recovered. A recording contract will shortly be announced.

April 2, 2007 at 01:48 PM · Bach was actually the inventor of the organ. At first he called it the Viagraforte because it never ran out of notes. Then, after thinking it over, he decided to call it the organ (as a kind of in-joke, because he never ran out of children either).

The Beatles' inspiration for their song, "It's Been A Hard Day's Night" actually came from a Bach cantata (BMW 11,207 - "Gott, es ist eine verschtunkena tag nacht")

Mahler's 11th Symphony, "The Symphony of A Hundred Forty-Seven," features a horn solo by virtuoso Ken Nabin's "Wonder Horn."

April 2, 2007 at 01:40 PM · Eric-

That is simply cruel. A Mahler violin concerto would be amazing.

April 2, 2007 at 02:47 PM · Wasn't there already a hoax about that a few years ago? They even said Maxim Vengerov was going to record it...I was so excited.....

April 2, 2007 at 03:32 PM · April 1st - classical musicians remove yardstick from rectum and gain sense of humor.


APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

April 2, 2007 at 03:41 PM · Pieter, for a classical musician, you sure don't think very highly of classical musicians. :) For the record, some of the funniest and wittiest people I know are classical musicians, we're not all uptight and stodgy. :)

April 2, 2007 at 05:01 PM · Maura, I agree on both counts.

April 2, 2007 at 08:26 PM · Jascha Heifetz is alive!

-He only faked his death and went underground, to avoid the paparazi.

He now lives high on a mountain top in Tibet, where he spends his days eating yogurt with the monks. He plays his violin from dawn till dusk, the heavenly sound careening off of the hills and valleys, heard only by legions of yaks and goats.

April 2, 2007 at 08:11 PM · A well qualified, and joyous classical conductor was identified and located - anywhere...

His previous credits include, but are not limited to his mastery and consummate artistry as as a virtuoso violist.

April 2, 2007 at 08:22 PM · " well qualified, and joyous..."

Chris, you left out "humble" !

April 2, 2007 at 08:35 PM · After years of trying to explain away the lack of a woman in his life, Maxim Vengerov has finally "come out" ...

I read this in the paper yesterday - and believed it!

April 2, 2007 at 08:53 PM · The active ingredients are "heather" and "Erica." No wonder.

April 2, 2007 at 08:56 PM · Allan,

It needs to have some degree of credibility!

April 2, 2007 at 09:11 PM · String pedagogy books from Shinichi Suzuki are said to made from hemp. This directly parallels the popularity of the publication and symptomatic munchies after practicing.

Violin instructors worldwide are under investigation for possesion with the intent to distribute.

April 4, 2007 at 02:35 PM · Christopher--I actually know personally a conductor just like the one you mentioned. No April Fool! :)

I can't remember where I read this, but apparently some years back someone claimed to have found the oldest recording ever made, of Chopin himself playing one of his nocturnes. It was convincingly scratchy and faint, Chopin sounded amazing, everyone went nuts...until the hoaxer sheepishly admitted how he had done it. (Grrr, no fair, I want a recording of Chopin!)

April 4, 2007 at 04:49 PM · "Christopher--I actually know personally a conductor just like the one you mentioned. No April Fool! :)"


This person must be in a witness relocation program for their own safety - or in a lab somewhere for extensive research on rare personality traits. (All kidding aside - I have had some very enjoyable conductors.)

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