Viola joke transcribed from violin joke.

March 12, 2007 at 03:50 AM · Greetings,

a man goes to the doctor and complains of pain allover his body

`When I touch my head , oww, hurts. When I touch my foot, ow it hurts. When I touch my butt, ow it hurts.`

Doc: `you are a viola player arent you?`

How did you know?

Doc: Your finger is broken.

Cheers,

Buri

Replies (61)

March 12, 2007 at 01:32 PM · I don't think that we ought to denigrate violists. (And for those of you who are violists, "denegrate" means to put down.)

[Many thanks to Bob Newhart for that joke]

Sandy

March 12, 2007 at 12:56 PM · a student came up to a famous violin/viola teacher and asked:

how much is a lesson?

i charge 100 dollars for 3 questions.

wow, isn't that quite expensive?

what is your third question?

March 12, 2007 at 01:56 PM · Then there is the story of the violist who bought a new D string. But since the other strings were all false, the new string didn't sound right to the audience. The violist was severely criticized and was never allowed to play in that hall again.

And there you have it - In the world of viola playing, no good D ever goes unpunished.

Sandy

PS. Don't ever tell a violist to put his new A string through his A hole....or to tighten his G string. He'll end up becoming a countertenor.

PPS. Why are violists and countertenors no fun at parties? Because neither one can get very high.

PPPS. When composing music for a countertenor-violist duet, what is the best style to write in? 24-tone music.

PPPPS. What is the only kind of music that countertenors and violists have trouble reading? Sheet music.

PPPPPS. What do countertenors, violists, and excommunicated nuns have in common? Bad habits.

March 12, 2007 at 11:25 PM · Ahhh, but Sandy many of us violists can at least manage to spell "denigrate" correctly twice in the one post. Then again, I wouldn't go out of my way to denigrate a violinist.

:)

Neil

March 13, 2007 at 12:42 AM · Ooups! (I mean, Ooops!)

Sandy

March 13, 2007 at 01:59 AM · Greetings,

does a viola player pronounce `oops` as `1234, 1234, 12, stop?`

Cheers,

Buri

March 13, 2007 at 02:51 AM · viola players atleast know where they hurt...but violin players don't admit the pain!

Let's admit the pain all over the fingers....^^

March 13, 2007 at 02:50 AM · Please click on my name for my viola joke.

March 13, 2007 at 08:06 PM · So a violinist marries a violist. They are so miserable together that the violinist puts a gun to his head. His wife (the violist, if you haven't figured that out already) starts laughing and laughing. The violinist says, "What's so funny - you're next."

(Just to show you that violinists can aren't perfect.)

Sandy

March 13, 2007 at 09:50 PM · What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.

HEYO!

March 13, 2007 at 10:54 PM · What's the difference between a viola and a cat in heat?

There isn't one.

March 13, 2007 at 11:19 PM · Well ... people like cats.

March 14, 2007 at 01:10 AM · What is the similarity between a violist and a trial lawyer? They are both happy when the case is closed.

March 15, 2007 at 12:22 AM · and when the case is reopened, a travesty of justice must ensue.

March 15, 2007 at 10:24 PM · What do you call a viola player that has just broken up with his girlfriend???

Homeless ^_^

March 18, 2007 at 12:22 PM · V I O L A

March 18, 2007 at 03:46 PM · Add 2 more letters, and you've got "violate."

March 18, 2007 at 03:53 PM · Etudes: Dont for violinists, Won't for cellists, Can't for violists.

What did a violist make, who comes full of blood from the stage? A shift.

Violists prayer: Dona Nobis Tacet!

March 18, 2007 at 06:40 PM · and of course... a prostitute knows more than 3 positions...

March 18, 2007 at 09:27 PM · a v. player comes home and finds his wife in bed with his chief conductor.

he runs in the other room, phones his stand partner and with great joy says: something incredible happened man! guess who visits now my house...i am so happy... our maestro !!!

March 18, 2007 at 07:11 PM · My friend told me this today:

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?

-Both are paid to fake climaxes.

March 19, 2007 at 01:04 PM · What's the difference between a violist and a stand-up comic? ..........

The violist makes people laugh.

March 19, 2007 at 03:25 PM · traffic jam due to a police filter.

he (the violist!!!) arives at the filter.

what`s up sergent, why all this trouble?

we search for a rapist.

hmm.. ok... i`ll do it..

March 19, 2007 at 03:30 PM · Boy, it's a good thing this isn't violist.com...

March 19, 2007 at 04:21 PM · as an outsider and a v.com kinda newbie, there are several certainties in life here:

1. prunes are omnipresent and omnipotent.

2. violas and violists are or are not prunes.

3. hefeitz is hefeitz, probably not a prune which is probably not true.

March 19, 2007 at 10:40 PM · I bet if Heifetz was a violist...

*checks for attorneys*

...we'd have some res-PECT around here for that thar instrument.

yeah.

March 19, 2007 at 10:41 PM · is this a syllogism?

March 19, 2007 at 11:04 PM · at least it tries

March 19, 2007 at 11:22 PM · No, a syllogism would be more like (*checks for informers*): Heifetz was a great violinist. He was not a violist. Therefore, there are no great violists.

;)

March 20, 2007 at 01:53 AM · Greeitngs,

although like Oistrakh, he was oblidged to learn viola and was insistent his studnets worked on the instrument at UCLA.

Cheer,s

Buri

March 20, 2007 at 02:42 AM · Why do people insult violists?

There's no violists, so nobody gets offended.

March 20, 2007 at 03:19 AM · William Primrose! The GREATEST violist! don't count him out...

March 20, 2007 at 04:09 AM · Difference between a violist and a corpse? Body temperature

Difference between a run-over violist in the road and a run-over skunk? Track marks in front of the skunk

How do you know the viola section is playing out of tune? Their bows are moving

Positions on viola? First and Emergency

Similarity between a viola solo and...er...being premature? You know it's coming and there's NOT A BLESSED THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

Little boy goes to his first-ever viola lesson and comes home very excited. "Mommy, mommy!" he hollers, "I had a great lesson today! The teacher taught me to put my first finger down on the C string and I got a D!"

"Well done, son," mom beams.

After the second lesson, the little boy is even more excited. "Mom! Today's lesson was even more awesome! I got to put my second finger down on the C string. And I played an E!"

"I'm proud of you, honey."

After the third lesson, the boy is simply overcome with enthusiasm. "Mom! Mom! Today's lesson was just incredible. I learned how to put my third finger down on the C string. And I got an F!"

"I'm very happy for you, dear."

After the fourth week, the boy comes home after his lesson time and...doesn't give his mom a progress report at all.

"What's the matter, honey," she asks, concerned. "Didn't your lesson go well today?"

"Oh," he says, "I couldn't make my lesson today."

"Why not?"

"Eh...had a gig."

And, of course, the violists' revenge: Why are all viola jokes short? So violinists can remember them.

And orchestral musicians' revenge: [Name three disliked maestros] are passengers in a plane that goes down in flames. So, who is saved? ... Well, Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert, Mahler...

March 20, 2007 at 07:43 AM · the viola is a joke in and of itself.

March 20, 2007 at 08:05 AM · >William Primrose! The GREATEST violist! don't count him out...<

Yes...but think of what he would have done on a REAL instrument.

I admit - you can go far with the viola. Very far indeed. Just don't return it.

March 20, 2007 at 08:34 AM · How far away is the last stand from the first stand in a viola group? Usually one bar.

How to make a cellist playing forte? Write espressivo in his sheets.

What is it called, if 2 violists get one free position in an orchestra? Double-zero option.

What's Devils Trill sonata for violists called? Für Elise.

What is the similarity between a violists group in an orchestra and The Beatles? The last time, they were together, was 1970.

March 20, 2007 at 01:57 PM · The finest recording of the Hindemith Viola Solo Sonatas is...

Music Minus One

(Didn't Primrose start out on violin?)

March 20, 2007 at 08:21 PM · How do you find the best viola players?

Just follow your nose.

Why do violists have to go to the bathroom often?

It's where they give their best performance.

Why can't violists play left-hand pizzicato?

They can't figure out the bowing.

How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they're used to being in the dark.

What do violists call the fingerboard?

The what?

Why do violists wear a watch when they play?

To keep time.

What do violists consider an advanced technical skill?

Putting rosin on the bow.

March 21, 2007 at 10:45 PM · Actually, Scott Slapin said that Heifetz had given but one performance on viola in his lifetime - playing the Bach Chaconne.

March 21, 2007 at 11:05 PM · Interesting. Heifetz required all of his students to play viola, and put them to the test in occasional chamber music, according to one of his students.

March 22, 2007 at 12:10 AM · He did? How cruel of him.

March 22, 2007 at 05:24 AM · That is why I used to call my lessons "torture sessions" (past tense, please note). :)

March 23, 2007 at 05:05 AM · True story:

I joined the audience recently for a silent film with live music accompaniment (I love that, as the audience and/or as a performer!), and was able to meet the organist afterwards. He's considering teaming up with more musicians and doing more of these shows, and I have substantial experience in improvising silent film music, so we got talking, and I handed him my card. It has "oberlin" in the e-mail, so he asks me "Did you go to Oberlin?" I say "yes" (that was twenty years ago), and he GASPS and asks me "Do your parents know?". Me: "!!?!". And we keep talking, and it comes up that besides violin, and especially for improvisation versatility, I switch-hit and love to play viola as well.

"You play viola!" he gasps again: "Do your parents know?"

March 23, 2007 at 07:23 AM · ouch - now THAT'S harsh.

March 23, 2007 at 10:59 AM · And that's supposed to be funny Armand?

Ignorant, yep; poor taste, definitely; but funny, don't think so.

Neil

March 23, 2007 at 01:45 PM · You might consider putting that [Edit] function to work Armand.

March 23, 2007 at 09:05 PM · I think it was Oscar Wilde who quipped that the definition of a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the viola, but doesn't.

March 23, 2007 at 10:10 PM · 1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person

Yes, since amusement and laughter are often triggered by subjective stimulis, then yes, yes it can fit that category.

Irony is one of the main points of laughter, as the brain can respond so to unexpected occurences.

Comedians often choose touchy subjects for this reason.

Poor taste? Mind elaborating on that one? I assure you that the dead don't mind. A lack of brain functioning often gives that benefit.

March 23, 2007 at 10:30 PM · Armand, you missed "ignorant", but the fact you're even trying to defend your post as humorous kinda provides the proof of that.

Neil

March 23, 2007 at 10:56 PM · Holocaust jokes just aren't funny. That's not "political correctness" or a case of us having no sense of humor, it's the simple fact that something like the Holocaust can just never make a good joke.

Trust me on this one. It is indeed an art form, to make absurdist black humor out of terrible events (just ask any Czech or Hungarian, they're the masters of it), but there isn't anything in the Holocaust that you can make a joke out of. It's just too awful, way outside the bounds of even morbid humor.

March 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM · who cares

March 24, 2007 at 12:50 AM · Couldn't agree more. Nothing about the Nazis was even remotely funny.

March 24, 2007 at 01:42 AM · "Armand, you missed "ignorant", but the fact you're even trying to defend your post as humorous kinda provides the proof of that"

Eh, how can you argue it's not humorous?

It's not really something that can be universally tested, since it's nature is very subjective, though it has common roots in many humans.

For example, one person can find one thing vastly amusing, while the other does not.

I'd say it's ignorant to claim that any taste is universally poor or correct, since emotion is going to be displayed differently based upon the individual, and due to this varying nature one can merely use themselves as the tool of measurement.

And that will merely give off opinion.

Take morals for example: many people agree upon basic moral principles, yet whether or not an action is 'correct' or 'incorrect' depends upon the moral system you are comparing the information against, as different systems will yield different answers.

Over all it gets into circular logic.

March 24, 2007 at 02:02 AM · Ray's usage of "Nazi" is not as part of an analogy, therefore Godwin's Law does not apply. Carry on.

March 24, 2007 at 02:18 AM · Oh no! Reductio ad Hitlerum! Here we go again!

Armand, just wondering, what in the Holocaust do you find humorous?

March 24, 2007 at 08:18 PM · Oh no...not again.

March 24, 2007 at 04:49 PM · Viola jokes, Armand, not racial ones. Please.

And now, back to the original topic.

March 24, 2007 at 08:48 PM · Why do violists get lost on trains?

They don't know how to follow a conductor.

Why don't violists give you the finger?

They're not sure which one (And even if they were, they can't separate it from the other 3).

Why don't violists swear?

They don't want to be like the audience.

March 24, 2007 at 10:53 PM · Greetings,

re the following:

"Armand, you missed "ignorant", but the fact you're even trying to defend your post as humorous kinda provides the proof of that"

Eh, how can you argue it's not humorous?

It's simple. The holocaust is almost universally recognized as evil. It frightens us not only because of the scale of the horror but also becuase at some level we acknowledge that all cultures under the right (?) circumstances can and do commit similar horrors.

This understanding has a concomitant sense that it is outside the social norm to make jokes about it. There is no accepatble pseudo intellectual argument about "what is humor and how subjectively the issue can be dealt with." People on ocassion may let slip humor that trivializes the issue and it is often very revealing about their prejudices and bigotedness. Anti semites have no problem with this stuff . Persisting in defending that nastiness serves to reinforce the impression.

May 17, 2007 at 05:32 PM · I'm completely lost on the whole Armand holocaust thing. What holocaust joke did he make, not that it should be repeted of course but I am confused.

May 17, 2007 at 08:48 PM · It's been deleted, presumably (and tastefully) by the forum moderator.

This discussion has been archived and is no longer accepting responses.

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