Hello all. I'm a 21-year-old violist, and I don't know what to do with my playing and life. This is going to be a long story, and as english isn't my mother tongue, I'm not sure if I can explain everything properly. I'm going to try anyway.
After high school, in 2004, I was accepted in the only music university in my country, which is absolutely the best place to study music here. From the beginning I had problems with studying - I didn't like the atmosphere in the school, didn't make many friends, and felt I had too much free time. I loved music and playing as much as before, and liked my teacher, but something was wrong. I began to dream about studying something else alongside music. Mathematics had always been my favorite subject in school, and my second career choice after music was computer science. I decided to apply to the university of technology. But I had a problem - the entrancy exam required knowledge of high school physics, and although I had always loved physics in junior high, I hadn't taken it in high school to be able to practice more. So I decided to self-study high school physics, which meant that it was going to take me another year before I could actually apply in the university of technology.
In the beginning of 2006, when I was in the middle of studying high school physics, I realized that it was much more interesting than computer science. I decided to apply for the engineering physics and mathematics department instead. The academic year of 2005-2006 was much better then my first year in the music university, because I really liked the balancing between playing and self-studying physics.
The entrance exams were in May 2006, and I was surprised to be accepted. The engineering physics and mathematics department is the most difficult place of study to get into in the field of physics in this country. I was so excited to be able to study the two things I love the most, music and physics. Studies in the university of technology began in September 2006, and I also switched viola teachers, because I felt I wasn't learning anything from my previous teacher any more. My current teacher is the best I could ever hope for, and I feel I could really become a different player with her. Also studying in the university of technology has been great. I'm loving the courses, the people, the campus, the free-time activities, everything. So everything should be fine.
The problem is that I love both music and physics too much! I'd want to study them both much more than I have time for. I feel as if I'm pulled both ways. I know I eventually have to decide between the two, but I just want to postpone the decision as far as possible. I already know that my future job will most likely be in the field of physics or computers, but I still don't want to quit studying viola. Studying physics is really difficult and time-consuming, but I've taken fewer courses this semester to be able to practice more. But practicing is still another problem. Motivating myself to play has always been a little challenge, but after all I have liked to practice - until recently. Nowadays I rarely feel like practicing. Usually when it is time to practice, I just can't bring myself into it, and the thought of playing is almost disgusting. If I manage to pick the viola up, I usually end up stopping after a few minutes, because I feel I somehow just don't want to do it. And I have no idea why it is so! It's not that I've lost my love for music, I still enjoy listening to it as much as before or even more. Sometimes I have better days with the viola, but usually I have to force myself to play even half an hour a day. Very recently, when I have tried to play, I have suddenly burst into tears for no special reason. My teacher gives me a lot of interesting stuff to practice, and I don't understand why it's so hard to actually start playing it.
Even though I haven't quit playing, I do have a feeling that I have failed as a musician. This might have something to do with my problem. My teacher of course knows about my other studies, and understands I don't have as much time to practice as her other students, but I feel like I'm failing her also, that she's wasting her time on me. We have discussed my problems a bit, but I feel she can't really understand how much I love physics also.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask you. I just don't know what to do. Do I really want to continue playing? Recently I've been playing with the thought of quitting viola, and that has felt quite relieving. But then I listen to some Brahms or Mozart and don't ever want to quit. I think I could pull this double-major thing off, if I knew why I don't want to practice. Anyone been in a similar situation? My writing is so messed up that it's probably hard to even figure out what my problem is, so I don't really expect any advice. Anyway, thank you for reading!
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