September 2008

Pondering 'Making It' and Self-Realization

September 27, 2008 10:34

I was concertmaster all last year. We just had seating auditions. Now my standpartner has taken over the post, and she really is very talented and an incredible player. I'm happy for her, albeit bummed about losing the chair myself. However, I remarked with a friend of mine how it seems rather difficult to just enjoy music making when I'm worried about living up to the expectations of "concertmaster" and maintaining your seat. It feels like a better place for me for a variety of reasons. I'm now pushed to do better, but better able to enjoy the rehearsals and concerts. Strange, hm?

The discussion I posted about Nerves = Fight or Flight reflex has got me thinking. It's gone a direction I hadn't expected, and has left me feeling as though teachers are insecure about their rank in comparison to performers and vice versa.

I love teaching. My income from my private teaching is what supports me. However, the desire to perform is in every musician's mind. Some pursue but don't make it, some make it, and others give up to pursue other endeavors.

I'm left to ponder what the definition of "making it" is. I think it's self-fulfillment. You're doing what you wanted, doing it well, contributing, and enjoying yourself.

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