Believe it or not this all pretty much came to me in the shower yesterday. I thought to wait till April Fools but I couldn't keep back that long to inflict it on everybody. So, with apologies to Gogol, here is:
Diary of a Mad Fiddler
After practicing Sev-chick exercises for 3 hours today I started to feel very strange. But I felt better after deciding to finally ban all shoulder rests from my kingdom!
I’ve ordered and sampled 23 different rosins the past year. I decided to crush the last new one into a powder and use it in my coffee in lieu of Sweet and Low. Actually it wasn’t bad! My teeth do feel a little stuck together but…
I was overjoyed to find a Medieval neume in an old bookstore today! Just think of those old monks who slaved away at their music, writing on parchment…
But then I was distressed by this thought: what do you call someone who writes neumes? A…. NEUMEMANN!!!!
I finally decided to confront my neighbor today in the apartment next to mine. I rang her bell. When she opened the door I said “I want to have a talk with your doggie.” “What do you want with my dog?” she nervingly said. “I want to tell him to stop howling at me every time I play on the E string”. Can you believe that she slammed her door in my face?
No date. A day without date.
YestreEday was truly a grrreatt day! I finally proved what I had long suspected – that I am both Nicolo Paganini and Jascha Heifetz!!! Do you doubt me? Oh ye of little faith! Any fool with half a brain and a bottle of fingerpaint can replicate my wonderful experiment: dip your finger into the bottle and scrawl “Paganini” on a wall as I did. It will soon fade and the name “Heifetz” will appear in its place!
I was so overjoyed that at the stroke of midnight I went up to the roof of my building and shouted the GOOD NEWS with all of my might! Then I played Batehoooven’s Ode to Joy as loudly as I could on my Stroh violin! Would you believe that many naybers had the nerve to yell at me??? Jelous lttle plebians! No matter. I am sure that very soon I will be crowned EMPER –ROAR OF THE VIOLIN!!!
There is some commotion in the nayber-hoot. An amulet has pulled up in front of my building and some men in whjite coats have come out. After my repeated complaints to the police, mayor and city counseal I beoieve that they have finally come to take my nay-saying-ber and her little howling doggie a-way…oh joy!
Wait a minute…why are they knocking on MY door? I…it..but…AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!
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