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November 24, 2004 at 11:37 PM

Why is it you have days of feeling so optimistic and happy and chirpy and cheerful for no apparent reason yet then when you have good reason to be happy you feel depressed... *sigh*

I'm sooo up and down with my playing at the moment. If i play scales and exercises for, say, half an hour, i sound really good, my intonation is great, I don't tense up, my sense of rhythm is intact and I can pull a straight bow. Otherwise though I'm a mess. I feel like I'll never be good enough to have a career in music - I want to play in orchestras and travel about giving concerts with a quartet or trio perhaps and get really passionate and into my music but noone I know in college seems to care that much.

And I'm struggling to hit more than 2hrs a day practice because of my timetable. It's soooo bloomin depressing!!!!!!

Okay rant over... starting Shostakovich 8 in quartet which is fantastic - can't wait - makes a exciting change from early Haydn. And I'm playing in the Villa Lobos chorus 7 (i think) which is cool - sightread through it earlier with the cellist and it rocks! And we played through Shostakovich 5 in orchestral repertoire yesterday which was really enjoyable and challenging - was exhausted after but in a good way.

Have to make sure I get my vitamins every day now otherwise i get soo tired. Find it really hard to sleep at the minute tho - annoying immature noisy ppl in my halls being annoying and immature and noisy...and I'm a bit stressed.

All I'm working on at the minute are scales and orchestral excerpts and 1 kreutzer - feels like 4yrs (or 3 and 2/3) is never going to be enough to master half the standard violin repertoire - I want to be able to play all the big concerti and sonatas and solo pieces aswell as the Bach s&ps...

I told my teacher i wanted to work on bow technique but he didn't seem that keen on doing anything that wasn't directly related to my bi-annual exam in February or pieces I've started (ie nothing really) whereas I'd love to work on loads of technical stuff for a while so i feel like i'm more equipped to deal with all areas of performance, be it solo, orchestral or chamber. He even said kreutzers are a waste of time and he doesnn't really see the point in doing studies for the sake of it. I guess he does know best being a top notch orchestral leader, but I was expecting to do a lot more technique in 1st year. And it's not like I'm not progressing with the stuff he does give me - my intonation improved dramatically almost overnight, I always use a metronome now and it shows, i think, and my scales are all coming on well. My study, he said, is nearly ready for my exam already so i don't need to worry about it, and my orchestral excerpts won't take too long as they're all from stuff we're playing anyway. My teacher himself said i pick up things very quickly, which i do. I guess I can just keep taking exercises from Simon Fischer if i'm really bored but..... i just want more of a challenge than double stop scales at the minute... oh well - once I've got all of them perfectly in tune and learnt all my current repertoire perfectly I can say something.....just full of nervous energy at the moment. night night everyone... time to kip, if i can sleep - maybe i need pills?? anyway....have a good day whereever you are!

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