April 22, 2005 at 7:29 PM

Well, I've pretty much decided not to do the audition on May 2nd. It is a hard decision, mostly because I want to feel as if I am working, doing something, earning my keep in this world and that is the way I know to do it. Music. But the raw fact of the matter is that I've not been able to practice like I needed to in order to whip these into shape. Besides, it takes me about a year to learn something solid, and I am of the opinion that excerpts are not to be taken lightly. I mean, I should know them like the back of my hand. At this point it is taking me longer than the allotted rests to find my place for the next passage, you know? The other reason is this recent flare up of health issues and the doctor appointments. Usually you have to maybe rearrange your school or work schedule for a doctor's appointment, but for the next month or two, I'm going to have so many appointments. It really is rediculous. I've got 12 prescriptions in my wallet. That, to me, is a sign that this might not be the best time. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to slop through the music. I'm trying to make myself believe this rationale and not think that I'm being a coward.
Other news...my teacher didn't get his job back. I mean, he didn't get tenure and he lost his appeal. I don't know the details and the politics in the department have been disheartening, turning people against each other...but now I guess it is final. It really broke my heart when he called me and told me the news and so canceled my lessons. NOt because he wasn't going to hear them (orchestra director has graciously agreed to hear them and tell me if they are ready or not and to help me with knowing the pitfalls of pressure and possibly wrong-nesses I didn't know about)...but he sounded so defeated. I saw this coming, but didn't realize how sad I'd be for him. I mean, I'm done there anyway. But I guess it is because I have been his main student and he has been more than just a teacher. For seven years he knew the ups and downs of my life. He watched me grow and fall. He was always there for me. He understands my playing for what it is. Now it seems like he is the one down and out and I want to return the care and consideration and I want to help, but there really isn't anything I can do. It is that helplessness that hurts the worst I guess. In any situation. I wonder what he will do next? He is an amazing player. I kind of hope he plays more. I wish him luck and good opporitunities and strength to rebound. I can't imagine what it is like to have to finish up the semester. Clean out the office. I guess everyone has to go through that at some point. As for me, I'm trying to decide what to do about a teacher. I don't have any money. So I guess that makes the decision for me. I need a job. Anyhow. I'm learning the Ciaconne now. And the Shostikovich concerto 2. Why is the sheet music so expensive everywhere I look? I've got a photocopy of the violin part to work on, but I need to own it at some point. Is it owned by Russia? Anyhow. I was listening to Ives's first sonata. Pretty cool stuff. I'm also recording all of my records onto the computer. Some of them are in such bad shape that I have to just give up on them, but I have a few gems that aren't all scratched. K. Hope everyone is doing well.
Sals,
JW

From Pauline Lerner
Posted on April 22, 2005 at 9:53 PM

JW, I sympathize with you and your teacher. You said that there's nothing you can do to help him. You expressed your appreciation for him very eloquently in your blog. I suggest that you tell him what you said here. I'm sure it will mean a lot to him.

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April 22, 2005 at 7:29 PM

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