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jennifer steinfeldt  warren

April 19, 2005 at 7:41 AM

Well, it has been what, a week? Anyway. I have had a cankerous day. I started out waking up way early and heading out anyway and then having a lot of time to kill so I washed my car at a few different car washes and wandered around in the heat. I had a dr.s appt. that was just a followup on some blood sucking that occured last week and then I was to teach a few hours later. The dr. appt. ended up being depressing. I mean, I thought I was doing well because my mood and brain have been copacetic with life events and I've been pretty hopeful and down to earth. But besides having a 102 fever for the 8th day (on and off, I'm sure), and not so wonderful vital signs, my blood must have been mistaken for someone elses. Or maybe not. One thing is that I'm anemic. No wonder I've not been able to do anything and no wonder I've had to practice in 20 minute increments that didn't accomplish much! I've been forcing myself to keep doing some, but mostly I've been a bump on a log. Except when I have my hours of hyperactivity when I think I'm cured and it feels so good so I, like, wash my car three times...
And then some other trigyceride highness and high cholesteral and of course the sugar was kind of whacked because it always is...on Friday I get to spend my day breathing into things as hard as I can. Yay. And my ear (the one I killed with a q-tip 11 days ago) is still bleeding and crusting. I feel like the last two weeks have not even existed. Life stopped after my recital and I'm just now starting up again. I left the office confused and down and still feverish I guess and I don't have air conditioning in my car so I was sweating buckets. I was determined, though, to teach my lesson because I canceled last week. I drove all the way to school and sat in a practice room. I had about two hours to practice until her time. I just couldn't do it. It took about 15 minutes to finally give in and call and cancel, about an hour to get home and then I researched stuff on the computer. Sometimes I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with the way I approach life because normal people don't have so many health problems and balance problems. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever hold a job besides music jobs. I have never been able to because I get sick. Why is that? NOt that anyone can really answer that. I was telling my husband that I don't even know anymore when I am sick because I'm used to not feeling well but there are just degrees so how would I know that I became anemic and when? Right after I said it, I realized that it sounded like I was having a pity party, but I'm not, really. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I have so much to smile about. And I have been given so many chances. And for some inane reason people have faith and acceptance for me. I have insurance. Not for long, but for now. I started tallying up the cost of my meds alone minus treatment could buy violin...S. And a viola. And maybe an orchestra. I also, looking back through the craziness that has been my college career, both degrees, am amazed that I finished. I am done. No one is more surprised than me. It was something I am good at. Now I have to find a new way of communicating. I know it sounds strange, but the institution has structured my existance for so long, that now I'm a bit lost. It is a built in forced social experience, comraderie, music making, stress, frustration, success, work...the whole nine yards. Now I'm "trained" and more than anything else, I have this sense that my real education is just beginning. How to do all that on my own. I just got a burst of energy tonight and got some good practicing in. The letter of audition times for one of the symphonies came in the mail. Wake up call. I need to clean the excerpts. AKA learn them for real. And I'm putting in bowings and fingerings for the Ciaconne. I'm still on the first page, I keep changing my mind. Anyway. This is getting past long. So.

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