September 29, 2004 at 3:19 AM

Orchestra rehearsal every Tuesday night is always such an emotional deal for me. I'm not sure why. I either am totally hyped up and pumped at the end and full of energy and life and enthusiasm....coming out of my skin...or I'm angry and frustrated the whole time so that by the end of rehearsal I'm numb and turned off completely...or I sometimes have days where I realize I don't care and just kind of float and want to be somewhere else. THat rarely happens and usually is more the anger part. TOday, it was weird. I was having a decent time. Feeling good...but I've been fairly ill lately and shaky. So I was really shaky tonight. It didn't seem to matter, though. MOst of the time I can have pretty shaky hands and it won't show up, no one will notice unless I"m trying to write ont he music. But bowing still appears controlled. THen, near the end when I was really tired, there came a solo for the first stand. It was really simple. Easy easy. PRetty. But I knew I was shaky so I barely played. I only used the end half of my bow. If I'd played more, just given more, it wouldn't have been shaky at all. But I wimped out. That bothered me. I should not be wimping out. NO reason to. ANyhow. So now I don't feel so hot about playing the Bach on THursday. WHat if that happens? It probably wont because it is solo so I don't ahve to try to play orchestrally soft....I can give my all. It is totally different playing. But still. I'm nervous now. Good thing happened. I was asked to run sectionals with the PRep youth orchestra some THursday nights for ahem..cough..pay. I'm exctied about that. It isn't going to be every THursday, but still. I will relish the job. It will give me experience in a specialized thing. I can go to a job and say that I have experience running sectionals.
JW

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