September 15, 2004 at 5:08 AM
I'm completely exhausted both physically, mentally, and musically. But tonight in orchestra we played Wagner's Funeral March. Though it is much ado about Brass and the strings just kind of augment...I was quite moved (counting hard, but moved). Now I"m listening to Lutoslawski. Is it possible to be revitalized and drained at the same time? I had a horrible lesson today. I want to write my teacher a letter to try to explain why some lessons I play like magic and others I can't hit a single note. But I don't know, that might be a bad idea. I went into hte lesson all shook up about something else and there is an issue regarding my medical care that I'd just gotten done screaming on the phone about...it was impossible to play the Beethoven cadenza. It sounded...how did he put it..."lame"? My teacher is incredibly understanding and kind and, well...a great guy and teacher. I just don't foresee how I'm going to make it until Friday running on endorphins and the hyper-ness of exhaustion without blowing a gasket. I know that I"ve been working WAY WAY too hard and pushing myself, but I can't help it. I don't know when, where, or how to stop. I did, however, say no to a job today. Broadway type performance gig. I think that sometimes string players need to wear a teeshirt that says "I 'just say no'" on it. I don't know how it is anywhere but here, but where I am, string players are asked to do all sorts of extra things...play in people's recitals, play in big obscene productions, student compositions etc. I usually don't mind, but right now I"m just so busy. When I try to pinpoint exactly what I'm busy with, it is hard to materialize the details. I teach and have assistantships and practice and play in some ensembles and try to keep my health up to date...it just seems like every minute I'm on the go getting something done and I need a break. I have another lesson tomorrow, so perhaps if I get up extra early I can get in a few more hours of practice and redeem myself. It has more to do with my "state" when I go into a lesson than my level of prepardness with the music, though. I wonder if that is true with everyone? Anyhow. I allowed myself an hour nap after orchestra tonight (now it is about midnight and I"m back up). I have to type out some information about students and their two year lesson plan objectives and expound on my answers in my study notebook for my comprehensive exams and spend some time with my neglected husband. Poor guy. I'm always so occupied these last three weeks since school started. Anyhow.
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