September 11, 2004 at 3:40 AM

Kismet....can I zap into your head for three minutes and then unzap and write like you do? If I could only be articulate...oh. That was this week. The inarticulate one tries to speak, do, write, play. I didn't realize it was possible to be inarticulate on the violin. Newsflash. Anyhow. It has been a week of ups and downs. I'm totally and completely washed out. At least I have tomorrow in which I can do anything I want. Hang around on V.com all day (which I guess I'll have to neglect during the week now...whimper...sigh...whine), practice, wander around Walmart for hours until I remember what it is that I went there for. Black pants. First concert in a while on Monday. I'm excited. But for all the wrong reasons, I think. I can't wait to wear my concert clothes, which, like the ULTIMATE DORK I tried on today. But it is a good thing I did because my pants fell to the floor. I guess it was a stressful summer. I am feeling pulled and pulleyed by the stage. LIke, I can't wait to be on it with people in the audience. No one will even see me, but all of a sudden I'm romanticising the crummy blacktopped stage and the uncomfortable chairs. Remembering the blinding of the lights...looking out into the audience and seeing spots. Playing the national anthem to start things off and forgetting how it goes and making up harmonies because I'm a little nervous. Thinking about the sweat that will drip from my lip and my back as the concert goes into the final lap. The wierd post-concert feeling as I walk back to my car and drive home in a sort of zombie state...sometimes good, sometimes bad depending on how I played or how we all sounded. We aren't doing anything hard, so it will most likely be good. I get so pumped when I play in the symphony or in orchestra or in chamber music. Solo, too, if I'm not crippled by nerves. Some of you would hate watching me play because I just let go and have supercharged amounts of energy and my body is like a lightning bolt covered with skin. I perch on the tiniest corner of my chair and plant my feet on the floor (do they stay there? no). I try to focus the energy...sometimes it works. Others...anyhow. I'm excited. Today I threw a tantrum on the phone...several times until I finally screamed at the supervisor and hung up. I think my adrenalin is already pumping. I was right, though. Very right. I am never wrong. Ever. Nope. Except sometimes. Not today. Got some GREAT practicing in this morning. Even had the focus to sit down at the piano and play the end of the Beethoven 1st mvt. cadenza and sing the note before playing it and then play it and hear a completely different pitch. Ugh. I've got the chromatics wrong in my head. I practiced them a whole half step off all summer. I hope no one was up that early and in the music building to hear that atrosity. I had to console myself with four shots of espresso....GOOD MORNING MTSU!!! Well. Night all.

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September 11, 2004 at 3:40 AM

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