August 28, 2004 at 2:38 PM
Yesterday was bittersweet. Angering, frustrating, exciting, fun, and depressing. Did I cover them all? I'm recouperating today and trying to get ahold of people to clear up confusions. The main thing is that it came to light that my intense paranoia was, after all, reality. Ow. But it can be worked out. I'm fired up to make this happen. For a few hours I contemplated dropping out and dropping my assistantship and quitting orchestra and just taking my exams and doing my recital to finish up my requirements. But oh, I love school too much and I have this opporitunity and have a job there, so why be an ass and prove them right...just need to talk to some people and express in a congenial way what is going on and that, hello, I NOTICE. And don't like to be lied to. And that I am really upset about some administrative decisions. We'll see how that goes. I just have to keep my cool and remember how much I want to play music with people. How much I want to grow with my music and escape into it and all. I love the people, that isn't the problem. I had a lot of fun yesterday getting back with my "musician" people and joking around. The faculty meeting was especially fun. We passed notes. And tried not to snort too loudly. Ah. Breathe. IT will be o.k. It has occured to me that I am a bit high strung. Isn't that the word people used? I usually refer to myself as "pissy". But it is about the same thing. And I'm a hopeless perfectionist and WAY sensitive. But I really want to play my violin so if I don't get all caught up in my attititude and hurt feelings and confusions regarding my job and orchestra, then we've got a great semester ahead.
p.s. my doc tilted his head and regarded....and upped my meds. Apparantly it is very common for people with Bipolar I who have to take these asthma medications....well, for the asthma meds to make them angry. LIke that makes me feel any better, but at least I understand it now. Whatever. He let me go. My dreams were just that....dreams.
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