Well...I went at practicing...too gung ho and tight, so after about two hours my neck was a mess. So. I'm going to stop writing blogs for awhile because it seems a little arrogant on my part to expect other people to be interested so much in my hour to hour saga. I'll give the space over to some others for awhile. Spend my time orbiting in space and practicing!:)
I feel wreched today. How is that for negativity??!! Everything is spinning so fast and my body is like a space suit trying to contain gravity. I haven't been able to get my violin out of my case yet. We are going to see the new Michael Moore movie, maybe afterwards I'll be slower and can focus to practice. Unless I'm still feeling so discouraged that I haven't YET practiced, that it becomes unbearable to think about at all. I hope other people have days where they can't practice and then a string of days where they are ultra productive and on so on and on. Well, I'm going to log my cheery self off and go eat popcorn and deafen myself in a big black theater where hopefully there are no annoying kids.
Paganini and the Firering
the days are starting to fall in a linear line
the same times forgotten
the same times remembered
The issues tie them together
cub scout knot
and through the medication firering
hands behind our back.
This fire it desires to consume
it's greedy orange eyes scan
the inside of my brain and my body
for something to turn flame.
a speed of night that crept up
day from day
is the manic end of darkened weeks.
the days fall together
the pressure mounts
from intestine to fingers
through them all
my violin between chin and shoulder
propelling body forward
through the firering
Paganini's heart must have beat
faster than mine
We chase the silence
with caprices and knoted hands.
Today has had a pleasant beginning, complete with practicing abilities, leisurely editing, comical cleaning, and a lunch with mother in law soon. I have started a practice journal. I already keep meticulous records of every minute I practice and count and record and compare hours and times...but I wanted something where I could write down what is giving me problems where, and things I notice about technique...and just as importantly...how I am practicing. What is motivating me, inspiring me, and notes to myself about what I want or need to listen to, record, or ponder. I will make myself read the previous day's log before each new practice day. In doing this, I have discovered many things. Flaws in my playing that have crept back over the year and issues with my instrument and bow...and overall mental stamina and growth and shortcomings. I highly recommend doing this. If it isn't helpful in the way it is intended to be, it will at least focus your attention on, well, itself and where it comes from. Anyhow. I'm longwinded today. May the meteorites not crash through my roof and kill my violin today. That is all I ask.
Bach and I just had the best practice session. He was keeping me in tune today. Some people believe in guardian angels...I think the composers help us in some transcendental way to play their music. Like they are contained in the notes on the page and their spirit or the essence of that particular piece transfers through the sound into us. I don't know if I really believe that. It was just fun to think about for a minute. Anyhow. Practiced hours of Bach and feel much better about myself.
I asked the doctor how long
between standing up and
passing into the white cheerio head
slowing down and drifting to the floor...
Blood pressure closer to zero than one hundred
-how long do I have?
About seven seconds, he said
after a minute contemplation
I was still standing-
helicopter fuzz ears
floating into the ring
and deaf blindness of almost
slumping to the floor.
Well-if I have seven seconds
what can I play in seven seconds?
Perhaps half of an arpeggio
I do the math.
Not even three octaves.
At least, not down.
So, GM gets some good practice, hey? I tell him,
In first position..
before I hit the floor.
It didn't occur to me until days later
that the violin can be played sitting down.
Maybe I'll be a 17-second Perlman.
A million times a day.
Three octaves of GM arpeggios-
sounding like a closer to zero pro.
This afternoon I'm being admitted to the hospital again. So I won't be on the message board or blogging for awhile. I don't want to go. I didn't practice today, but I'll be able to take my violin in with me. So perhaps when I'm feeling better, I'll practice up a storm and drive the nurses bonkers!
the glass angel that plays glass violin
fell this morning into the coffee cup
it was heavy and there was a big mess
the carpet turned pasty dark
the wall got splashy brown
at that moment i wished i spoke french
perhaps i should have said something like
"c'est la vie" like the movies
or like the poster on mrs. adcock's classroom door.
but i just left it
and when i got home after dark
she was still lying on her face
sticking out off the coffee mug
playing the violin.
I only practiced 40 min. today. It was so hard to motivate myself as I felt like a walking zombie that could float away at any minute. No brain. No body. Anyway. Fourty minutes with the practice mute on since it was late when I finally forced myself to open my case. How will I live with myself? 40 min!!! Oh wait...it is almost tomorrow...and I can make it all better tomorrow.
The time is 12:19 and finally I am in the mood to practice...to really practice. Too bad I live in an apartment and can't. I practiced for about two hours earlier, but I never feel that two hours is sufficient. Now I have the urge. Before I was forcing myself. Ah..the trials and tribulations of a path that requires constant attention and work. Not always with constant rewards, either. I'm really tempted to put my practice mute on and play anyway. How I want to play etudes NOW NOW NOW!!! Note to self: next year's new year's resolution....look up the definition of patience and commit it to memory. Then perhaps the year after that I'll try to learn how.....Anyway. Tomorrow I'll try to get my urge earlier and maybe the four hours will happen. Oh, and my back is twitching. I want to zap it.
Hey guys. I got married today. I also recieved my package from Southwest strings. I ordered a bow cleaning kit. I hope that the harsh sound it has now will go away when the rosin gets built up correctly again. I also put a Titanium E on and polished my violin. And got a dampit. The litte humidity colour thingy says that my apartment is 20, which is "danger of cracking, warping, or opening seams". I still feel wierd about putting something full of water into my violin, though. Oooh! I have a good story about a carton of milk being poured in my violin (my old one). I won't share it unless you want me to, though. End of the story is that after I, panic stricken and frantic, dumped all the milk out and held it in front of a fan for hours...weeks later it sounded better than it ever had. Smelled a little funny, but....Anyhow. I'm married now. Feels weird and great at the same time.
hands fold over
i watch as i
melt down my chest
suspended the light
drinking though the glass
with hands of hilt
too timidly like it is
tinderstick porcelain ash
with contact will dissipate
fold into gray paste
if i am tearing
if my ducts flush out
the dirt i hold in my gut
where the melting stops abrupt
my face lies (there is no truth
in this song)
there is no pulse
ripping through my tendons
flowing across gut
where i left myself standing
alone on the stage
i laugh at how dumb
how fear is written in my
the music lost somewhere
why i can’t hear it,
i don’t know
the dust forcing itself
raping my performance of
stealing the paint
i was using to make life beautiful
at least here
i call her
to terms only she can
The day is rolling by slowly but surely. My violin case is open and on the couch, where I frequently go over, pick it up, and work for about 20 min. before getting sidetracked by other things. My hands are shaking something terrible, but I can still work on intonation. My goal for this week is to get the first three pages of the Beethoven in tune. Maybe with a shaking bow, but in tune. I've discovered that when I'm nervous, I play way too close to the bridge. Also, my bow is in despirate need of rehairing. I have to press so hard to get anything to work, and there goes the fluidity needed in the Beethoven. Frustrating practice day, but I'm very glad to be practicing. I've got the curtains drawn and the time of day eludes the atmosphere. I just go, stop, go. I'm also revisiting the Flesch scale book. I am amazed at myself sometimes...how much more fun playing scales is than working on my piece. Makes me think that I'm not focusing when I'm doing the Beethoven, therefore not noticing things that would or should challenge me. That, and I need a new E string, but don't want to put in an order for just that. I'll have to fancy up some other items that I all of a sudden "have" to have. That should not be hard! Mmmm. I love new stuff for my violin. Some polish, new rosin, perhaps a video or some music. No Jennifer...PRACTICE, DON'T SHOP!!!! I need somewhere besides my apartment to practice. I like long marathon hour hour hour days. I feel better about myself. Even though i improve better with 20 min. increments throughout the day. May the force be with us and our scratchings today.
Ahh. Sunday morning with a pot of Folger's coffee and a re-arranged apartment and Bach. What more could one ask for? After the fiesty battle with furniture and doorways in the attempt to make every room an office/practice room/reading area/meditative palace, I'm ready to slow down and admire my work while simultaneously preparing my mind to see how much of the Partita No.3 I can get through this morning on the first try. Stockhausen plays from my beloved computer and the coffee pot gurgles and pops, filling the living room with essences of myself. Today is going to be a marathon practice day. Beethoven Concerto, Ysaye "obsession", and Bach. Turning the phone to mute and digging in. I love Sunday mornings.
More entries: July 2004