Well, I opened my big mouth and told them I can play Last Rose of Summer, and it is in fact true, I can play it... in a very segmented form, which is why I've never commited to A)Recording it B) Playing it in public. Music takes a long time for me to feel like I can play it in public. I have the most horrible nerves, freezing hands and Nausea which I finally grew out of, but now it's the problem of thinking it's never good enough which is the next fear of overcoming.
I think it's this deep desire to not be seen, but to be heard. I've spent my life try to fit into the picture of the perfect violinist, I.e. One who memorizes the music, One who is comfortable performing in front of others, and one who is confident in themselves, and above all love the violin deeply. I've never had a strong desire to perform for others by myself, I like groups and people. But the violin has actually made me more lonely because all the people that don't play don't understand me, understand why I need to play, or carry sheet music everywhere I go, or singing phrases, I'm always being told can you just stop for a bit. And my answer is usually no. Lost alot of NORMAL friends because of that. I can count the number of friends I have on Two hands, friends that are actually at my core, not just people I know and am nice to when I see them. That's sad to me. It's been like that ever since I started the violin , the violin became my friend, and now I don't want to put it down. I fit my life around the violin, people will come and go but I'll always have the violin. All the kids I grew up with and were in orchestra quit, I only know one other person that still plays and I talk to her all the time because understands. I'm looking for violin friends, people that I can actually see and play with. Which nobody does anymore where I am. Which is the reason I've almost committed myself to solo violin music. I don't have an orchestra to practice for. I have just myself and the violin and music that's in front of me.I play about 12 hours out of the day. everything else gets put to the side. I don't have a regular job, but I'm looking for one now because we're running really low on money.
Money has always been my enemy, Think about, how do you get a violin you have to purchase it, and if you don't have money you have to borrow one. I did that from elementary to Highschool. I finally got my OWN violin under a year ago. A good bow, HA, I barely know what that is.. I've played with one before... but it still did the same function as the cheap one I had. I have a friend that I teach and he pays for my strings. I don't ask for money in return because I think that getting strings for my violin is a good trade. I have a few students and usally it's on a barter system because they have no money. I want to teach people that are desiring to create music but don't have the means to do it.
My brother has recording software, and I'm going to use it, but after just playing and listening to how my violin sounds played back to me makes me sick, I hate the way it sounds recorded, like the life is gone and no amount of studio magic is going to fix that problem. I"ve never Video taped myself either because I hate the way I look.... but I'll try to find one of those devices to record with.
I'm really doing this recording thing to prove that it's possible for a regular person to play "difficult" music. The reason is because I finally dropped the idea that it's impossible, people perpetuate the idea of difficult so others will be too afraid to try it, and while it's nice to be the only one that can do something (So you can sell yourself) it's not fun to be by yourself. My idea is that if you love something, you're going to put the whole force of your being behind it until you push through the difficult and realize that you're finally in that place where other people said you could never be, and you'll smile, and in the end laugh at all the others that said you'd never be able to do it.
I have something to prove, because everyone said I couldn't. A poor person that was never going to get the chance, who begged and pleaded and finally got the one thing he wanted. A violin, and a chance to make the music he heard of, and the few teachers who saw what I wanted and made allowances for me to learn.
if there is the will, there is a way.
More entries: May 2010
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