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Emily Steele
August 29, 2008 at 4:25 AM
October 28th, 1990...I know that with God's help I can accomplish anything, but right now it seems as if I am so near, yet something or someone is taunting me and jeering at me, saying I will never reach it. I almost believe it. This gets so depressing, just even the thought of failing...
November 5th, 1990
...I could surely use some directions. Should I become a professional violinist? Pianist? Artist? Veterinarian? Or a piano/violin teacher? Or something else? I don't know, but I know what I would like to be. I just don't know if that's what would be good for me. The money's not all that great, either, unless you make it big. Boy, I sure hope Joel Schoenhals does. because then I can say, "Yeah, I knew him once." Or maybe I would be right up there with him. Boy, that would be great! After all, my piano contest judge said I had the makings to master in music. He sure acted impressed. I was quite flattered with what he said. That reminds me: the other day, daddy asked if I was going to be a professional pianist or violinist. He actually didn't say anything against it. It was almost as if he wanted me to. Man, things are really weird these days. I don't know what's going on anymore, but one thing I do know: it's time to go to bed! It's 11:19! Good night!
November 22, 1990
...Oh, I wish (and pray) I could make it in piano or violin. But I also have to keep practicing. Oh, yuck. Anyway, I'm just a dreamer, and that's all I'll ever be...
March 25th, 1991
...I really wish I could spend the rest of my life just making music, whether it be piano, jazz, violin, whatever! I enjoy it so much, and it's been a part of me for so long, I don't see how I could ever get tired of music! I wish (and pray, of course) I could figure out what I'm going to do the rest of my life... I don't know how to get an answer! Oh well...
June 1st, 1991
...It's hard to believe I'm sixteen years old. And not one boyfriend! --yet. ...I want someone who could enjoy listening to a thunderstorm, just sit and listen. I'd like someone who enjoys classical music. I really love playing piano and violin. I mean, more than my friends at school could understand. It has so much more emotion to it, and with it I can express myself. I'm really glad I'm not like anyone else. It just makes life a little harder sometimes. When I was little, I wished I had been born in a different time frame. I still feel that way today...
November 9th, 1993
...This semester had definitely not been a waste of time! I’ve learned that being a famous professional violinist isn’t everything to me–not by a long shot! I’ve learned that there is so much more to appreciate in life and that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life stuck in a practice room...
January 10th, 1994
...I don’t need to worry about my future plans. God knows what he wants me to do and he knows how to get me there. If I can believe that God created the heavens and the earth, and knows everything, then of course He can do whatever He wants with my life. Don’t ever underestimate His power...
Posted on August 29, 2008 at 1:21 PM
Posted on August 29, 2008 at 7:46 PM
Posted on August 29, 2008 at 9:02 PM
Posted on September 1, 2008 at 3:21 AM
Emily, I strongly recommend you read Converstaions With God by Neale Walsch. The main message he/she/it whatever you choose to belive, is that this
>God knows what he wants me to do and he knows how to get me there.
is a fundamental misunderstanding about who we and God are in relation to each other. It is a by product of the distorted view of religion we have created and allowed to dictate our lives since the year dot. We are, at least in this reading, here to create our own lives by making choices on a day by day basis. God has no interest in dictating and choosing where we head. His function is to allow us free will to create our life exactly as we choose as we move on a path to remembering who we are- which is a part of god itself excperiencing being magnificent. (God cannot experience the magnificenc eof being god simply because if one is everything then there is no -not God- to make a relative experience posisble.) She is just there to grant every request, every thought and every desire so that we are constantly confronted with new choices. It is not just prayer. Our whole reality is dictated and created by our undelrying thoughts and expressed wishes. Indeed, everything in the universe is affected by our thoughts and even more so by our words and actions(cf Quantum Physics).
Cheers,
Buri
Posted on September 1, 2008 at 6:51 AM
I went through a period of looking for direct, specific leadings from God as to what He wanted from me. It can be quite debilitating, asking for a sign for everything from who I should date to what shoes I should wear. You could spend a lot of time looking for signs and getting no response, or even following something you thought was a sign from God that later led you into terrible mishaps, which leads you to think that God is cruel and likes misleading people. I was angry at God for some time because I thought He had misled me, but deep down I knew that it wasn't God who erred, but I who had some kind of misconception about Him.
I don't believe in searching for God's will like that anymore. Rather, I believe that choosing a path every day is rather broad, and is designated in part by the opportunities as they present themselves, and in part by my decision to follow them or not. While sometimes they seem to lead nowhere or into hard times, it all "comes out in the wash".
What is God's role, then? I think it's to take every situation in my life and turn it into something good, kinda like growing flowers out of manure. Every experience can make us grow, or it can break us down, depending upon our choice to practice the act of depending on God to shape our hearts and character--to meditate on His teachings, and to choose to do the right thing and think the right things in our minds (based on what we know from the scriptures). This is how "all things work for good, for those who love Him." I don't think He's promising worldly success in that verse; rather, He promises you'll become a better person.
I have no idea how I got where I am today. I think it was a combination of the choices I've made and circumstances out of my control (but within God's control). Those circumstances are how I believe God has shaped my life.
It's been a crazy trip so far. It's been good to review my old journals, because now instead of having regrets over decisions I've made, I can see why it had to be that way, that I needed to take the path I did for a reason, and that lots of good things have come from it. I'm thankful for every bend in the road that has brought me here.
Posted on September 1, 2008 at 10:13 PM
gosh you follow your old blogs carefully;).
>I went through a period of looking for direct, specific leadings from God as to what He wanted from me. It can be quite debilitating, asking for a sign for everything from who I should date to what shoes I should wear. You could spend a lot of time looking for signs and getting no response, or even following something you thought was a sign from God that later led you into terrible mishaps, which leads you to think that God is cruel and likes misleading people. I was angry at God for some time because I thought He had misled me, but deep down I knew that it wasn't God who erred, but I who had some kind of misconception about Him.
At least according to the conversation she has with Walsch this is an ineffective way of going about life. It coonflicts with the notion that we are directly responsible for creating our relaity every minute of the day. The finction of god is simply to grant us everything, and i mean literally -eveyrthing - we ask for. An intersting example in the aforemnetioned book where Walsch loses his job. He complians to god who responds `Was it not true that you were going to work everyday wishing you were elsewhere and hating the work? The universe simply responded to what you asked for.
>I don't believe in searching for God's will like that anymore.
True. Your will -is- god`s will. That is a joyous divinity who allows us complete freedom to remember ourselves as holy spirits. The problem is taht traditonally the rveerse, God`s will is you will, is not true.
Rather, I believe that choosing a path every day is rather broad, and is designated in part by the opportunities as they present themselves, and in part by my decision to follow them or not.
Yes to the last part, but choosing a path everydya is easy. tehre are only two undelrying emotions to all aspetc of human existence: love and its opposite fear. The broad path one chooses is simply to do everythign form a position of love. Nothing more.
>What is God's role, then? I think it's to take every situation in my life and turn it into something good, kinda like growing flowers out of manure.
Sort of. What I`m getting at is that you are god. We all are. We just aren`t aware of it. Thus, it is your responsibilty to turn it into someting good. The more you do that the closer you can get to returning to your dvinie state in the next life if that is what you choose.
>Every experience can make us grow, or it can break us down, depending upon our choice to practice the act of depending on God to shape our hearts and character
You can shape your own heart and character ;) Doing a pretty good job so far.
--to meditate on His teachings,
Now taht`s problematic on ocassion. These tend to be filtered through sources with a vested interest. Hence humankinds creation of things like guilt, punishment and hell. The laytter of which des not exist unless we chosse to create it in our own persoanl life on earth. On the other hand if one can bypass these inaccuracies and learn what one can from incomplete theologies then there is also a whole universe of teaching out their form the many mesangers god has sent us over the years to nudge us in the right direction.
But the real center of learning about god and the divine is -within= you. Its corny, but if you can`t be within, you will always be without. One has to combine the internal witrh external teahcings. Conventional religion, spirituality, cults etc have relied solely on external inpuyt which is then embraced out of fear. The fear that god will rejetc us if we are bad. A fera incidnetally which we learn from our parents- the first god we seem to recognize;)
"all things work for good, for those who love Him." I don't think He's promising worldly success in that verse;
He is promising success in this world. Its just the definiton of success is skewed. Whatever moves you closer to remembering your own divinity, that you are equal to god is success, whether you are homeless, a psycho path or the CEO of a munitions company. But loving him is not done through separation. If you recognize that you are part of god and so is everyone else on this planet then thqat is an abundant an genuine love. Interesitngly, it would also automatically stopp all wars, hunger and injustice on the planet if this shift in globa;l spiritual thinking occured.
Cheers,
Buri
Posted on September 2, 2008 at 7:25 AM
I agree with this. Put simply, God is love. Love others. Love self.
>you are god. We all are.
Sort of. I like to use the term "Made in the image of God," which is a little different. I do believe God is in me. However, I believe there is this self that is me that must die. Call it the part of me that is not love. Whatever you want to call it, it is the part of me that has that free will to make choices to do right or wrong, and likes to shake its fist at God.
I believe in good and evil. God is all that is good/love, and evil is the absence of God or anything that resembles Him. It's the idea of working toward an unattainable perfection that makes me uncomfortable. Whatever I do, it's just never enough. I feel this mission to strive and achieve, but it feels like I'm grasping in vain. If I die and come back, I certainly don't want to repeat this striving--that would be my definition of hell. The world is not getting better and better. People are not behaving any better. The only hope I have is if some form of grace is offered me to cover my shortcomings. Otherwise, I'm afraid all the striving to be God will never get me there.
Grace is why I believe in Jesus, who was God incarnate, whose perfect sacrifice was the only thing capable of righting all of my wrongdoings. I accept that I cannot obtain perfection by my own work, no matter how hard I try; it's just not possible to be perfect by my own effort. If I'm to be united with God, I must be rid of that part of me that is not love. It has to be dealt with. Jesus is God's way of forgiving our wrongdoings. It is only by grace that I have it, not because of anything I did to deserve it, but simply because I believe that I am saved through God's grace and not by my works. Grace is the number one thing I need in my life, and Jesus is the only place I've ever genuinely found it. I don't have to do a single thing to earn perfection. I just believe it and I have perfection; I'm not depending on my good deeds to earn me acceptance and perfection.
My purpose in life revolves around extending this grace toward others, forgiving, loving in every way, shape and form, and showing them how to be free, like I have found freedom through Christ. I love others because Christ loves me. I don't live this way as much as I'd like to think. I will continue to strive to do so, but not under the quest to be perfect; I'm already perfect in God's eyes.
That roughly sums up my beliefs, which I have believed since third grade and continue to believe to this day. It brings me joy to think that they can still ring so true in my heart even after all these years. I don't expect you to agree with me, only to consider the words I have written and try to understand them, just as I have yours.
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