August 1, 2008 at 5:01 AMWell recently I've been having alot of violin related dreams - mostly to do with the same thing. Peforming in front of people.
Now, my issue is - for starters its not even me playing the violin, but someone else who in my life probably doesn't even know WHAT the violin is (Hey I didn't know of its existance till I was in year 10) sometimes they peform on it excellent or just plain suck. Anywho - in one of the dreams, my step-father was playing the violin - after his peformance he came up to me and said "Your an idiot for not peforming!", subsequently - in my next dream (ooo inter-relatedness) I lost my violin on public transport but it made its way back to me, one of my friends tried playing on it in public but was really sucky - I kinda shied away and pretended I didn't even know how to play, but was relieved that I found my violin again.
In my waking life - I do feel the anxiety, and I REAALLYY want to peform but am I just putting excuses here? My pieces/segments/themes (etc etc) that I practise are really just mostly for the technical experience, nothing I'd be too proud of peforming for people.
Sometimes I have friends asking me to peform for them, but in the end I weasle myself out of it - they probably think I don't even play violin (lol), but the way I see it is - If I am going to do it I want to atleast leave a good impression. Maybe I am being too vain? I could run of a billion excuses not to peform and not a single one I want to. I guess I just feel too shy with my pieces - though its the opposite when I'm with my teacher (I guess this is just a normal thing then?)
But how to put up with the pressure? Those who know what to look for see a talented individual, others don't. I don't like to see myself as a people pleaser - I am definantly not playing the violin for the benefits of amazing others I feel I do have a genuine love for the classics and violin itself (ooooo violin porn) - but again I just contradict myself, I feel I'd only ever peform pieces to other people when I can play at a high level.
Its always been an inner concern and im sure it is for many, however if I knew some of those ideal pieces I want to peform maybe I'd be happy to look like a fool stuffing up Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in front of the nation.
As per-usual I think I just confused myself too much, in a nonesense endless sequence of words. Yeah, get used to it hahaha. Sometimes I wake up lost, I'm going to be one of those rambling old people one day. I suppose you get over it once you get better hey?
I can only laugh at these wasted words on the net hahaha. Its like a two sided arguement but only one person fighting. No one wonder people keep me around its like cheap entertainment.... Oh great I called myself cheap.
I just hope I'm like this because of the weather! Yeah blame the world, its not my fault damn it.
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